I can't
New financial year at work. I find it quite exciting, its like New Years for your professional side. I have a temporary boss who is very, very type A. I get that, so its a welcome change but boy he's going to drive us into the ground this year!
So the month started with me very engaged and excited. Lots and lots of analytical thinking, meetings etc. Then I had my 1 week mini crash. I think that was just a warning.
Monday I woke up feeling good, but crashed 1/2hr into my first meeting. Unfortunately Monday was one of those days where I had meetings from 9:30am to 8:30 pm. I wasn't looking so good, and had a few rough patches, but I survived it.
Yesterday I had 2 external client meetings back to back. Whoooo. After the second meeting ended at 2:30pm I was done ..could barely walk or see straight. Drove home like 20km per hr.
Today I am working from home, but really useless. Just had a meeting where I was required to analyze stuff and it was rough! I have a bunch of stuff to review, chances are that is not going to be happening today...
Today I am in pain and my brain is scrambled but I'm not resting. Tired but wired, can't focus on reading even simple articles, but can't fall asleep..aargh!.
This is my problem! The year has just started and I am EXHAUSTED! I desperately want to meet my targets because I need to prove to MYSELF that I am still competent. But trying to be competent in a demanding high stress job ... not so good for CFS.
Please pray for me. I love my job. I need to keep my job for at least 3.5 more years. Once my son is out of high school then the financial disaster of not working will be far more bearable.
I drive myself hard and am having a really tough time with any sentence which starts with "I can't..."
So the month started with me very engaged and excited. Lots and lots of analytical thinking, meetings etc. Then I had my 1 week mini crash. I think that was just a warning.
Monday I woke up feeling good, but crashed 1/2hr into my first meeting. Unfortunately Monday was one of those days where I had meetings from 9:30am to 8:30 pm. I wasn't looking so good, and had a few rough patches, but I survived it.
Yesterday I had 2 external client meetings back to back. Whoooo. After the second meeting ended at 2:30pm I was done ..could barely walk or see straight. Drove home like 20km per hr.
Today I am working from home, but really useless. Just had a meeting where I was required to analyze stuff and it was rough! I have a bunch of stuff to review, chances are that is not going to be happening today...
Today I am in pain and my brain is scrambled but I'm not resting. Tired but wired, can't focus on reading even simple articles, but can't fall asleep..aargh!.
This is my problem! The year has just started and I am EXHAUSTED! I desperately want to meet my targets because I need to prove to MYSELF that I am still competent. But trying to be competent in a demanding high stress job ... not so good for CFS.
Please pray for me. I love my job. I need to keep my job for at least 3.5 more years. Once my son is out of high school then the financial disaster of not working will be far more bearable.
I drive myself hard and am having a really tough time with any sentence which starts with "I can't..."
Replies
I just read your last journal, Max!! Obviously you are struggling with your CFS BIGTIME right now. I know how hard this must be for you....wanting to keep your job. Any stress is HIGH STRESS with CFS. I hope that you will not push yourself over the edge and end up with a nasty LONG crash. I did this to myself and it was awful. I did have to eventually quit my job, but I was older than you, and my daughter was almost out of the house. I realize our situations are different. I\'m just concerned about you.
I will absolutely pray for you....with all my heart, than you will be able to discern whether you can keep pushing at this job....maybe go a little easier??? Can you go part time???? Just thinking outloud!! I want you to be ok!!! xo
Can sooo relate. I have been an ambitious, type A, most of my life. I had about 2 decades of cfs in cycles of remission, relapse, each about 3-4 months. No one ever defined it for me. Along the way maybe a Naturopath or Homeopath did notice some patterns but I could never afford to go long term. This illness is crazy making! Your fastidious note taking is excellent, obviously you analyze well. Give yourself alot of credit for being so organized and insightful . What are weaknesses that us Type A\'s have ? I was always so pumped about achieving and loved my work, school, etc.. That I would keep pushing. I was a single parent with no consistently available family, just a few friends. I feel that I was also lonely, therefore I loved the interaction of the work. You are an expert on your own observed tendencies. I think I may have Bi- Polar type 2 as you suggested. (By the way thx, haven\'t looked it up yet!)
I will make a bossy suggestion, see what you think. Can you put yourself through an exercise and document exactly what you would do should your job end and you cannot work for at least 5 years?
We tend to worry so much, especially about our children. Your son also needs a healthy mom(to some extent-healthy, you know what I mean). It may seem devastating to think about loss of income and how to support him. Is welfare an option? Not sure what you call it in the U.S.
I faced very difficult decisions when raising my daughter alone. I even got an inheritance which I fraudulently did not claim, after much soul searching. I was willing to go before a court and tell them how hard my life was, if caught. It never happened.
Try to work out a plan B, while you finish the 3.5 years. Only you can make the decision. You seem to know how,crazy and up and down the cfs is. I don\'t think any of my friends or family ever understood how crazy and scary it was for me. Trust yourself and we will all pray for you. Pls take the advice the DS friends and insist you get your stomach checked.
You are very strong to go through all this. I hope the red tape will not burn you out, it is so hard sometimes to get medical support. Good luck xxoo