I asked myself

What motivates me in life? Is it achieving my personal vision and goal? Or is it making someone happy and serving others. Or is it something in between??It's like filling a form to a certain extent but truly it's about meaningful service.

i have loved what I've learned here at the monastery, and I've realized that the people here are really really well suited towards this life. A kind of superstructure that the elder uses to organize folks and get things done. People who are really good at following rules and living by them.

im finding from asking myself what motivates me. A question I wish I had been healthy enough to ask and perceive when I got out of college. Things would have been so very different.

Now I'm seeing that I love the fight of life. I feel a great sense of darkness building up in me. I will keep at meaningfully serving the sisters and the community here but I'm not so sure this will last, I am not sure I am the correct piece for this puzzle. It is so peaceful here and so calm and so easy. I'm finding myself getting lazy and indecisive but the austerity has help me realize productive and constructive things for my life outlook. I can see them and I can see myself and what I'm capable of doing.