I am what I am
Hello SOTH - I had a busy week-end sorting through many of my daughter's things. For the most part I felt close to her and with everything I have found it helps me to understand her a little more. Jennifer only let me know what she wanted me to know and only "let me in" when she wanted to "let me in". So as many of you moms, we cherished those moments of being a part of their life and prayed when we weren't there. Oh how I miss those moments!
During this week-end I said to my husband (step-dad to Jennifer the last 15 years) "why didn't Jennifer tell me she was in pain, why didn't she tell me she was nauseated, WHY DID SHE ACT LIKE SHE WAS FINE around me? Yet on her phone, she was trying to get Oxycodone, edibles (brownies with marijuana) - Jennifer rec'd steroids with her chemo so the main side effect that she struggled with was intestinal problems, I think....Chemo destroys your body so again common sense tells me that of course she was feeling bad, of course she was nauseated at times, of course she was in pain at times....BUT SHE DIDN'T TELL ME..She always had a smile, always positive, ALWAYS PRAYING.....in the midst of wanting meds to HELP????
My husband said to me - YOU ARE FRAGILE, YOUR EMOTIONS ARE FRAGILE AND JENNIFER KNEW THAT AND DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BECOME EMOTIONAL.....What kind of person am I? My husband went on to say that - "emotions are a good thing and you are the most sensitive person I know and I love that about you. BUT when it comes to Jennifer, she hated my sensitivity because she saw it as a sign of weakness not strong....I am strong in other areas but when it came to my daughter, I JUST DON'T KNOW. There were times I wanted her to be like me, I wanted her to....... what kind of a mother am I?
I struggled with acceptance of my daughter sometimes and I know she felt that....I loved her so much but she knew I struggled with her. didn't understand, her mind, her OCD, her hoarding, her extremeness with my grandson....She loved Hunter but wanted him perfect - "not imperfect" . She struggled with her imperfections so she wanted her son & mom to be perfect and at times being around her was difficult as we all know WE ARE NOT PERFECT.
Did she know I loved her? Did she know in spite of everything, I would have done anything to take away her pain, struggles, ...... YET SHE KNEW I WAS FRAGILE - REACTING AT TIMES EMOTIONALLY. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER WAS I?
Wish I could go back and redo......I am left here with my thoughts in my head and I am questioning WHY AM I LIKE I AM? AND WHY WASN'T I DIFFERENT SO THAT MY DAUGHTER COULD TRUST ME?
REGRETS....REGRETS....WILL I EVER FORGIVE MYSELF?
During this week-end I said to my husband (step-dad to Jennifer the last 15 years) "why didn't Jennifer tell me she was in pain, why didn't she tell me she was nauseated, WHY DID SHE ACT LIKE SHE WAS FINE around me? Yet on her phone, she was trying to get Oxycodone, edibles (brownies with marijuana) - Jennifer rec'd steroids with her chemo so the main side effect that she struggled with was intestinal problems, I think....Chemo destroys your body so again common sense tells me that of course she was feeling bad, of course she was nauseated at times, of course she was in pain at times....BUT SHE DIDN'T TELL ME..She always had a smile, always positive, ALWAYS PRAYING.....in the midst of wanting meds to HELP????
My husband said to me - YOU ARE FRAGILE, YOUR EMOTIONS ARE FRAGILE AND JENNIFER KNEW THAT AND DIDN'T WANT YOU TO BECOME EMOTIONAL.....What kind of person am I? My husband went on to say that - "emotions are a good thing and you are the most sensitive person I know and I love that about you. BUT when it comes to Jennifer, she hated my sensitivity because she saw it as a sign of weakness not strong....I am strong in other areas but when it came to my daughter, I JUST DON'T KNOW. There were times I wanted her to be like me, I wanted her to....... what kind of a mother am I?
I struggled with acceptance of my daughter sometimes and I know she felt that....I loved her so much but she knew I struggled with her. didn't understand, her mind, her OCD, her hoarding, her extremeness with my grandson....She loved Hunter but wanted him perfect - "not imperfect" . She struggled with her imperfections so she wanted her son & mom to be perfect and at times being around her was difficult as we all know WE ARE NOT PERFECT.
Did she know I loved her? Did she know in spite of everything, I would have done anything to take away her pain, struggles, ...... YET SHE KNEW I WAS FRAGILE - REACTING AT TIMES EMOTIONALLY. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER WAS I?
Wish I could go back and redo......I am left here with my thoughts in my head and I am questioning WHY AM I LIKE I AM? AND WHY WASN'T I DIFFERENT SO THAT MY DAUGHTER COULD TRUST ME?
REGRETS....REGRETS....WILL I EVER FORGIVE MYSELF?
Replies
I believe Jennifer didn\'t want to hurt you. She loves you.
I also believe that we have little power over our reactions. Some of us are more sensitive than others (I prefer sensitive rather than fragile). We feel things deeply, especially when it comes to our kids. We love them more than anything. We want them to be happy. When we see them in pain, it hurts us; I think Jennifer just didn\'t want to see you in pain.
Oh Vicki, we all have regrets. I just keep telling myself that I did the best I could at the time. If we knew then what we know now, things might have been different but who really knows?
Please do forgive yourself. You are worth it!!!
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
Those regrets are a killer - the what ifs and if onlys. I think we all would love to go back and do something differently thinking that it might have changed the future in some way - I, too, struggle with that guilt constantly but like Marlene, try to tell myself we did the best we could at the time. You loved your daughter and were the best mom you could be and she obviously loved you, protecting you. Really, that\'s all we need to know - that we loved our children and would have done anything possible to prevent losing them. But sometimes it\'s just all out of our control. Sending a big hug ~ Joanna x
I don\'t think you were the reason she didn\'t go to you. You said it yourself..she wanted perfect. She just did not want to deal with what she saw as a weakness. But the truth is, it is not you, but how her illness saw you. You were as loving and normal a Mom as we all are. You can\'t be fake and parent well. She knew that you were the one that would see through and try to fix it. You are not supposed to be different. You are a work in progress.... Beautiful to me...Lauri
You were the best mother you could be to Jennifer and in her trying to live an independent life, she naturally wanted to shoulder much of what she was going through herself. This is about Jennifer and her perceptions, her reactions and her way of dealing with her life.
Can you look back on your own life and see when you might have made the same kinds of choices with things you were dealing with? I know that I can and it is a protective nature that we begin to feel with those we love. Instead of always dumping each of us tries to learn ways to sort through and to cope. Coping is what Jennifer was doing and perhaps it looks so very different from what you might have chosen or wanted yet it was her choice.
You must enter into all these feelings as you are and not look outside yourself for your answers. Your heart knows and so does Jennifer that you would have given her the moon if you could have. Please do not doubt that for a moment as that is punishment that your being does not need at this time.
Forgiveness of self is a life long progress I have discovered and most especially when it comes to our children whether in their earth suits or not. My late mom used to say that as soon as they are handed to us as babies the big \"G\" for guilt is handed to us as well. They are our teachers and you are learning my friend and how to forgive ourselves for the empathic failure of not being able to \"protect\" and \"keep\" our children here safe with us is a mountain to climb. I know...
Releasing the need to know everything is huge and learning how to give the same kind of forgiveness that you so freely offer others to yourself is too. A moment by moment choice and some days more easily done than others.
Loving care as you poke around and sort through the myriad of feelings that come and go and please know that you are not alone in any of them. I have them as well and learning how to carry them is where the healing is.
Release, release, release...
Heartfelt (((hugs))) and moments of peace,
XO Joanie
In the midst of their illnesses our Jennifer\'s wanted to protect us as much as we did them...
Hugs, marylou
Jennifer loved you,,, Jennifer loves you.... still and always.... nothing was done intently to hurt you... I know Morgan did not do to hurt me...... love, love and more love...
Like Marlene I prefer the word \"sensitive\" too. I like your title to this journal as well. \"I am what I am.\" We are ALL that we can be to our children. We raise them to be independent and when they are, it seems to turn around and bite us. They grow up and as independent adults make their own decisions, not consulting us on every issue. This is a blessing and a curse. Yes, I have regrets too, I have mulled it over and over in my mind and yes with the help of our soths, we are mostly able to forgive ourselves. Time is the hardest element!
THERE IS NOTHING TO FORGIVE SISTER. Your daughter had her own journey. If she was a hoarder (and I know this to be true from your reports), then she struggled with \"safety\" issues and this part of a mental illness, not caused by anything but biology (so far as Psychiatric \"science\" can come up with, what an oxymoron that is: psychiatric science). Marijuana has been legalized now in a few states (including New Jersey) as medicinal for counteracting nausea and lack of appetite in patients receiving chemotherapy. It was up to her Doctor to prescribe this or at least inform her of this. There ARE ways to obtain prescriptions from Doctors in another State where it is legal that must be filled by a pharmacist in a State where it is not (yet) legal for this use. How could you know this? Can you READ MINDS? If so, can you read MY MIND? No, of course not, all you can do is listen to me, read me (in this context here), commiserate with me, and try your best to understand me. BUT...what is REALLY in my mind is beyond you or any other living Human on this planet. And thus it was for your daughter, as well. She had a child. She understood the furious love of a mother for her child but she was also compromised by whatever drove her hoarding experience, and that\'s the difference between you and her: you are not so compromised.
Your daughter loved you. I don\'t think she was trying to protect you, I don\'t think she perceived you as weak, I think her perceptions were warped by whatever mental or emotional dysfunction she had which may not have been recognized or treated properly (medically). You COULD spend the rest of your life nailing yourself to that cross, over and over again, as I have done to myself and all of us have done, all of us Moms here. BUT this will do nothing but feed into the LIE that you have \"failed\" (WHAT KIND OF MOTHER AM I).
I have an answer for that question, as do the other SOTH here. You are the \"kind\" of mother who suffered for, and with, your child in your very soul, who was tormented by worry, who sought guidance and did not receive it (because it isn\'t really available in this world), who loved with all your heart. You are the \"kind\" of mother whose daughter felt loved, validated, and supported in her life and death struggle.
It\'s impossible for a \"healthy\" mind (I have to sort of laugh at that because who among us thinks herself mentally \"healthy\", yet we are) to comprehend mental illness or behavioral aberration, impossible. I was very cruelly told by a make-believe psychiatrist (he was not board certified, he was part of the therapy group where April\'s therapist was the primary therapist) ON THE PHONE: \"Put aside all your expectations, she will never be able to do anything but sit in front of that computer, she is too sick.\" From that moment on, I put aside my expectations. But I wasn\'t prepared for what so rapidly happened to her, the rapid decline into very seriously manifesting mental illness. I was angry about it, not at her, but because it WAS SO UNFAIR.
Yes I am sensitive; I am also \"fragile\" in a weird way because underneath that fragility is an enormous strength given me by God through my lifelong experiences and impossible to destroy HOPE and JOY. The hope, the joy, they are not there now. Perhaps in some manner they will return, but different, just as I am different, just as you are now different.
Forgive yourself for being a fallible Human who was taken to the outer boundaries of emotional strength and stability where so many others are not taken. I know this is very hard. I am trying to forgive myself even though intellectually I know I AM NOT GUILTY OF ANYTHING. Do you have a very qualified grief counselor? If not, I urge you to try to find one, and it isn\'t easy to get a good \"match\" but it can be done.
I understand this burst of horror, I have them too. We all have them. It\'s sadly and horribly \"normal\". Know you are loved and supported here, but also by God, whether or not you believe that.
Remember, fear, stress and worrying wont change one damn thing!!
A wonderful and wise friend told me that and she was right!!
We are moms. We love our children. We have absolutely no control, over what our adult children choose to do.
Be gentle with yourself. You are not to blame !!
((((HUGS))))....Julia
I\'ve heard that those who loved the most.....hurt the worst.
Im beginning to believe that. Hugs of understanding
I believe that you have done and continue to do the best that you can. You love your daughter...you would do anything for her...she knows this..It takes time...but when you have moved through things a while and looked at everything over and over, finally.allow yourself to let go of regrets...they serve no one. Love and gentle hugs...Karen