I AM TIRED OF THIS!
Sat. Night: I am so tired of this! Living, but not. Just doing time. I don't want to be here anymore. Even with family that loves me. I am tired of the pain. I am tired of trying to explain myself. I am tired of going through the motions. I am tired of putting one foot in front of the other. I am tired of sleeping when I shouldn't. I am tired of not sleeping when I should. I am tired of financial worries. I am tired of getting sick. I am tired of crying. I am tired of trying to find a way to feel better. I am just TIRED!
Replies
I know. I know. Please know that it is good to write these things in your journal. It helps us to know how to pray for you. It is such a hard thing to do...this thing called life. Keep talking to the ones who will listen. Nothing that anyone can say will make this pain we have go away. Crying is not always a bad thing. as a matter of fact it is normal. Your feelings are normal. It is still so fresh. But know that it will not be like this for ever. It only feels like it will. I cry everyday. I don\'t really care if it offends anyone. It is what we do as mothers. And as mother\'s we go on. I share your heart today. I will lift you up to the one that gives comfort and pray that you feel a double dose of love this week.
Ben\'s mom 4ever
debi
SO tired with you! Wish I could say it gets better... truth is - it doesn\'t! My pain is the same (almost 3 years now). I died on 4/27/05. We just keep moving, faking it, trying to smile and dying inside. I know what you are going through. SO sorry we are both in this place. I\'ll hang tight to you... please do the same for me. Only out here can you find others that REALLY do know your pain. Sending you a hugback - you sent me one yesterday. You are NOT walking alone. I am here for you.
Kim
Isn\'t this such a tangled mess we are in....and we thought things were tough before??!! We are caught between trying to appreciate the people and things we are blessed with, and then mourning all we have lost...and yes, it is draining in every way. I felt tired for so long...then it seems one day I woke up and I was numb...and then the bitterness creeps in.I could care less if I went through my entire day not having to see or talk to anyone. No more small talk....no more flippant statements, no mopre listening to people argue about petty B.S.....just....SILENCE, PLEASE!!! I often ponder the life of a homeless person, and how they came to live that way, and so many became this way by choice, and have no desire to have it any other way....it sure makes us see both sides of the coin now.....I pray every night for ALL THE GRIEVING AND HURTING people in the world, and that is pretty much all I pray for anymore. I want nothing. I need nothing....just my son, my life before, the bad and the good...but I know that will never be....so I don\'t bother to ask. I am giving you a huge cyber-hug right now....please know that you are not alone. Love, Carole
i understand ((((((hugs))))))))) i understand that it would just be easier for me to let go but i hang on , sometimes just barely exist thru the days and nights. its like being here but not existing in any meaningful way. just breathing. sending love and understanding to you now.
Aw, poor you, you sound like you really need a break, something to take you away from all your sorrow, something to look forward to. I wish I could give that to you. Have you told your doctor you feel this way? Remember your family loves and needs you. I hope you have some sunshine in your life soon. Hugs to you Claire
My Alex\'s anniversary date is this May 18th. I miss him so...but I do not hurt like I did immediately after his death...or as bad as I did for the first 6 months. I find that now, happiness trickles in every once in a while each day or each week. It is not how I thought my life would be OR how I want it to be. But I have found that every day...sometimes many times during the day...I have to choose to look for good things and look for happiness. It is our choice. In fact WE are the only people that we can control. I hope that in time...and I know it is different for each of us...that you will allow something more into your life...and that you will not have to fake being okay...you WILL be okay. Please know that I have been where you are. In fact, I still \"go there\"...that is what we call the roller coaster...that our life is right now. Hang with me and IF you can\'t do it alone anymore...maybe it is time to go to your medical doctor and you may need a \"jump start\" to being okay. I do not know you as well as other people know you here at DS, but please know that my heart feels a love for you, we share this horrible loss...and also know if you need me, I would be honored to chat with you. Love and hugs...Karen
Sounds like you were talking about me. I just want to go away. But my Son always wanted me to do my best. I don\'t want to hear him say, \"See I told you you couldn\'t do it.\" I am trying to remember what he wanted in life with his family. He was my best friend and we talked about so many things. He was never a quiter. He would keep going even after everybody else quit. We will never be the same person as we were before. But I know if I would have been the one to go, I would want him to have a good life and not waste it. I am trying. I have a few tolerable days. My Son is here with me a lot. But I know when its my turn, he will be there waiting to hug me. Love Joanne
Ginger,
I hear ya! I was just like that about a month ago and went to see a psychologist , taking Prozac, read a lot and went on a vacation for a week and I must say something worked cause I feel much better. You don\'t have to feel like you do and you need to come up with a plan. If I can help please let me know. Hugs, Inga
I go through those times too, where I just don\'t care and don\'t want to do anything. Tired of it all. Then I think of Melissa and how pissed she would be at me. She would want me to get of my butt and enjoy life. She would not want me to just flush it all away. So I continue and I try for her. Of course I do have my low days and allow myself those, I don\'t have much of a choice when it hits it hits. But I try to push through them and get moving again, cuz I know how angry my angel would be. I wish you peace. Love and Hugs.
understand totally.....its a long rough road ....were all with you....i keeping falling down, but i also get back up and keep trying....its the hardest thing ive ever tried to do, and im not doing so great either...love u
I\'m so sorry that things are so hard right now. Remember that we have all felt that way and this journey is difficult. I echo everything that biowoman wrote above. It is a choice. It\'s a choice that seems easier to be sad and wish for things that will never happen. But we have to make the other choice and continue our lives. We must take all these puzzle pieces of our new lives and put them together. The picture won\'t look like it did before when we had our children here but the picture can still be beautiful if we let it. I know that I don\'t always practice what I say because I too go to that place where I simply exist in a world I long to escape but those times a fewer than in the early months. I just do what I can to pull up my boot straps and think what our kids would want us to do. I think what I would want my kids to do if I were gone, it\'s no different. Peace and comfort to you friend in the days ahead. You\'re never alone. Love Robin
Tired....a condition we all know to one degree or another. I don\'t think I will ever have the energy I had before Weston died. It\'s so tiring trying to live and find good in my life. But what else can we do? We just will never be the same people we were before we lost our boys. I\'ve given up trying to be that person. Just know that you are not alone. We share this pain! Love and hugs, and hope for just a little peace to come to you, Cyn
God love us - because of our common bond, our common feelings and emotions and the way we each live through each day of our loss.
Exactly - it\'s like a pattern of emotions that we are all following, because I know the tiredness of all of it Ginger. I will say more prayers for all of us.
love & hugs,
I so hear you. I too know that defeating tiredness, but believe it or not it no longer controls my life. As John\'s second anniversary draws near, it feel the unease, the pain, the longing once more so intensely. Is it the same as day one maybe but I\', stronger and better equipped to deal with it. I now have some tricks and knowledge which allows me to spend time in the pit and to come out when I need too. I know that I can feel better and not forget. I know I can feel laughter and joy with no disrespect for John\'s memory. I know life will go on regardless and it will be as we choose it to be, so for the most part I choose to live my life to the best of my ability as a memorial to my son. I let the sun shine and laughter ring out again in my world and it\'s getting better and easier to accept my son has gone ahead to prepare a place for me and I will see him again. Each person\'s journey is different and I hope you too will find the route. Love and hugs Cathy