I am the Evil One...
...that's what my colleagues at work call me. Don't tell me it's not deserved. I've gotten so cynical over the years that I can't go through a week, and oftentimes not even a day, without something really sarcastic coming out of my mouth.
These days, it's getting really bad, because I seem to be perfecting these born-in-the-Arabia-region "may your" curses that I first heard watching Carnac the Magnificent segments from the Carson era of The Tonight Show. I try not to target specific people, but that hasn't stopped me from blurting out some of the following. These are for the most part implausible, but still...
"May your pet camel grow fat on the carcass of your worst enemy..."
Yes, I said this. One of the drivers had come in under the weather last week and wanted to know who had given him his illness. To shut him up, I said I put a curse on him (not true), and then added that.
"May his arse turn into a bowling ball, and leave him in the gutter."
The husband of one of the pharmacists at work is a known and proven airhead; he's causing trouble for her almost every week. I really wanted to convey this one to her.
"May your Burmese tiger trap designed for someone else net you...a Burmese tiger."
I have a few double-talk ways of saying be careful what you wish for, this is one of them.
There are others, but you get the idea. I hate sounding like a cynic, but that's what experience has taught me to be. I definitely have days when I wish I knew someone would accept me for the kind of person I've become, but what I've just let it out seems so dark...Idk if it's possible.
These days, it's getting really bad, because I seem to be perfecting these born-in-the-Arabia-region "may your" curses that I first heard watching Carnac the Magnificent segments from the Carson era of The Tonight Show. I try not to target specific people, but that hasn't stopped me from blurting out some of the following. These are for the most part implausible, but still...
"May your pet camel grow fat on the carcass of your worst enemy..."
Yes, I said this. One of the drivers had come in under the weather last week and wanted to know who had given him his illness. To shut him up, I said I put a curse on him (not true), and then added that.
"May his arse turn into a bowling ball, and leave him in the gutter."
The husband of one of the pharmacists at work is a known and proven airhead; he's causing trouble for her almost every week. I really wanted to convey this one to her.
"May your Burmese tiger trap designed for someone else net you...a Burmese tiger."
I have a few double-talk ways of saying be careful what you wish for, this is one of them.
There are others, but you get the idea. I hate sounding like a cynic, but that's what experience has taught me to be. I definitely have days when I wish I knew someone would accept me for the kind of person I've become, but what I've just let it out seems so dark...Idk if it's possible.
Replies
Those are some \"interesting\" curses. I have anger issues, too and am always lashing out at my family. Since I\'m struggling with the same thing, I\'m not sure what advice to give you, but I\'m always reading your journals and listening.
How often do you see your therapist? Can you discuss this with him?
For what it\'s worth, I\'ve become very cynical my own self. The difference being I don\'t verbalize most of what I\'m thinking. IF I do so anything it\'s usually something along the lines of \"kharma will get them, if not in my lifetime, in their\'s\". I never used to be this way but life experiences have brought this latest character \"flaw\" into my consciousness. I\'m so glad you opt to journal what \'s happening within your own self. As Meggie asked, have you been discussing this with your therp?
It sounds to me, and this is only my opinion, you need a safe venue, i.e. your therp. to get these emotions out of your mind.
I have no trouble accepting you just as you are, in my mind, you are a dear friend that also happens to have issues that tend to push you to the limits.
You can never know how much I wish I had constructive ideas to help you work through all that you are facing!!!!
All I can offer you is the fact I\'m not bailing out on you just because you are currently struggling.
At the least, I hope you are in close contact with your therp to work through this, at the best, I hope you will continue to journal your thoughts. Sometimes, just getting them out of you and onto \"paper\" or this journal, can help lessen the intensity of the pain.
No matter what, those that are your real friends, will stand by you, even if we don\'t have answers.....we can always listen.
Peace be with you this day dear friend....
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((Meggie)))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((immarcie)))))))))))))))
I did try to bring this up with therapist today, but the results are inconclusive. Problem is, when I\'m coming up with these things the colleague I\'m saying it to is LOL, every time. That\'s making it hard for the therapist to see the problem, which I THINK is two-fold:
1) As immarcie implied, I wish I could keep my mouth shut, and
2) It does seem to have become part of me as an anger management coping mech...one that is clearly not working.
It\'s complicated. I\'d love to take the hint that I\'ve been given on FB and give my gameplay/vocal cover channels another chance, but I conceded there that the possibilities are numerous enough that the fear it will feel like a second job is very real...which would defeat the purpose of me doing them.
You said \"the colleague I\'m saying it to is LOL, every time\" Is it remotely possible that person is essentially \"laughing off\" your comment rather than engaging in some sort of even minor conflict that would upset you even more?
Some people have an incredibly ability to take things like what you said as just \"funny stuff\" and not give it a second thought rather than saying something negative back to the original speaker..
Did you have any kind of expectations of the other person when you said those things to him? As in, were you hoping he\'d have some kind of snide remark to throw back at you? Show some other reaction rather than laughing if off?
We all have a tendency to verbalize our anger and it\'s not always in the \"best\" possible way, if there even is a \"best\" way to do that.
I\'ve \'shot from the hip\" more than once, made other people very angry but at that very moment in time, the anger over-rode anything else.
I\'m so sorry I can\'t help you see your YouTube channels as a relaxing \'hobby\" to do rather than a second job. They are not anything you \"have to do\", but rather, just something you\'re doing for the fun of it rather perceiving it as more than that.
I fear carrying so much anger all the time is rather like \"drinking poison and expecting the other person/people to die\" as the old clich goes, I really hate clichs but this one seems to fit your anger at the moment.
No matter what, keep working on discovering new ways to deal with your anger on a day to day, person to person level.
Have you thought about printing out what you\'re thinking in your journal and taking it in for your therp to read? Perhaps that would an easier way to explain where you\'re at.
No matter what, your friends fully accept you no matter what!!!!
(((((((((gentle hugs)))))))))))
I certainly don\'t think you are an evil one. You are a kind and caring man. You just have a different way of looking at things and there is nothing wrong with that. You are also very intelligent. I surely wouldn\'t understand your jokes.
Your friends are here for you and care about you and how you are feeling. Please don\'t ever forget that!!!!!!
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))