I am STUCK!
Hi DS Family, I have run out of patience and tenacity for moving forward. I feel STUCK in despair and depression and I think it may all be from radiation treatments and the medication I am on for breast cancer,,,,
Now I might have ti consider getting to a professional for antidepressants, because I am being held hostage by this form of chemo medication that is eating away at my bones causing osteoporosis! My oncologist now tells me I must take this drug for 10 years instead of 5. She also wants me to get an IV reclast for my bones , and it seems like I have to take more medications for side effects of other medications...grrrrrThe IV Reclast also has serious side effects that the pharma claims are low.
I am alone on this journey I know I have God, which is why I am not a basket case. I just wish I had some support and here is the only place I get it None from family including my son I like other humans need a human hug and support. I am not without imperfections and truly desire human contact.
The fact that I have no vehicle prevents me from going into nature and rebuilding my inner strength I will try to get a bus ride to the beach and stay there with water, lunch, a good book, umbrella and nontoxic sunscreen ;)
This would be healing and soothing to my body and soul. I would go into the healing ocean and sponge up the Beauty of God's magnificent creation. This may help a great deal. Just walking on beach picking up shells helps me to meet other women doing the same.
I also have been hit Very difficult reality recently. My mother has told my entire family that I am NOT her BIO daughter. My son took a DNA test and she isn't lying. She said my mother was English from the UK and I grew up my entire life with a lie thinking I was Italian and family.
My son's DNA shows 46 percent UK and some other European background. I need to take a DNA because my son reveals his father's DNA mixed in, I want to know my background, I would like to know about my maternal parents.
My parents swore to each-other Never to reveal this truth and My dear father passed never mentioned it and treated me like his daughter with love. My dear grandmother favored me of all her grandchildren never knowing this lie. I LOVED her Soo Much,,,,,
This is too much to process at this stage in my life. My mother always was abusive towards me and now I know why. As a matter of fact she revealed this to hurt me and she has done a good job.
All my cousins could care less and consider me blood family. Dealing with CFS, cancer, and this DNA revelation is a bit overwhelming presently and I needed to journal it all here to my sisters and brothers.
I have lost enthusiasm and feel very weak. Thank God for my sweet pooh, for he makes me smile and feel loved as well as being able to give him love. I have powerful love to share and miss grandsons to share it with .
Presently I am tapped out and numb. Decisions, decisions,,, just not making any now. Please pray for me, as I feel betrayed by so-called family, as well as my son.
I am having a good cry and trying to let this all go, however i think I am in grieving more. :(
Much Love to all
Now I might have ti consider getting to a professional for antidepressants, because I am being held hostage by this form of chemo medication that is eating away at my bones causing osteoporosis! My oncologist now tells me I must take this drug for 10 years instead of 5. She also wants me to get an IV reclast for my bones , and it seems like I have to take more medications for side effects of other medications...grrrrrThe IV Reclast also has serious side effects that the pharma claims are low.
I am alone on this journey I know I have God, which is why I am not a basket case. I just wish I had some support and here is the only place I get it None from family including my son I like other humans need a human hug and support. I am not without imperfections and truly desire human contact.
The fact that I have no vehicle prevents me from going into nature and rebuilding my inner strength I will try to get a bus ride to the beach and stay there with water, lunch, a good book, umbrella and nontoxic sunscreen ;)
This would be healing and soothing to my body and soul. I would go into the healing ocean and sponge up the Beauty of God's magnificent creation. This may help a great deal. Just walking on beach picking up shells helps me to meet other women doing the same.
I also have been hit Very difficult reality recently. My mother has told my entire family that I am NOT her BIO daughter. My son took a DNA test and she isn't lying. She said my mother was English from the UK and I grew up my entire life with a lie thinking I was Italian and family.
My son's DNA shows 46 percent UK and some other European background. I need to take a DNA because my son reveals his father's DNA mixed in, I want to know my background, I would like to know about my maternal parents.
My parents swore to each-other Never to reveal this truth and My dear father passed never mentioned it and treated me like his daughter with love. My dear grandmother favored me of all her grandchildren never knowing this lie. I LOVED her Soo Much,,,,,
This is too much to process at this stage in my life. My mother always was abusive towards me and now I know why. As a matter of fact she revealed this to hurt me and she has done a good job.
All my cousins could care less and consider me blood family. Dealing with CFS, cancer, and this DNA revelation is a bit overwhelming presently and I needed to journal it all here to my sisters and brothers.
I have lost enthusiasm and feel very weak. Thank God for my sweet pooh, for he makes me smile and feel loved as well as being able to give him love. I have powerful love to share and miss grandsons to share it with .
Presently I am tapped out and numb. Decisions, decisions,,, just not making any now. Please pray for me, as I feel betrayed by so-called family, as well as my son.
I am having a good cry and trying to let this all go, however i think I am in grieving more. :(
Much Love to all
Replies
It\'s no wonder you are tapped out DEar One. With all you are going through and your family\'s lack of warmth and support, not to mention all the DNA results. How confounding and confusing an epiphany. I am glad you hae your faith and do not feel alone. I think your trip to the ocean is the perfect antidote for all you have been enduring. Soak it all up and let it fill you with its beauty and power. I will say a prayer for you and send it your way. May you be blessed with the beauty of the ocean, God\'s love and undefeatable presence. LOve,
Denise
Wow! It\'s no wonder at all that you have the wind knocked out of you. My mom had breast cancer and got radiation too. She had bad side effects from the drugs she had to take afterward. I can understand why you feel overwhelmed. Sometimes we get through so much and then we hit a wall because it is exhausting to keep fighting on.
I was totally shocked by the revelation that you were kept in the dark for years about your heritage. And now your mom reveals it to hurt you. That is cruel. I am so sorry that your mother is treating you this way. I already knew that your son was not treating you well. I see what you mean about not having human comfort. I think we are often made to feel guilty about the fact that we need people, but God made us that way. Our brains heal in community. People say, \"All you need is God,\" but that is not true. God is the source, but people are a resource. Sometimes God has to have some \"skin on Him.\" Honey, I don\'t know where you can find community. Of course, you have us, but we can\'t come over and hold you. And you need someone to hold you. I will join you in prayer that a friend will emerge. I prayed for the same thing and a few have appeared. I can\'t say I am super close to them, but at least, I have a few people I can call in an emergency. I met some dear Mexican ladies who are determined to heal me with herbal tea and bone broth. Bless them. But, I do so enjoy sitting in their kitchens and feeling loved. May you find someone to fuss over you and share a cup of tea with you. I pray that for you with all my heart. Much love.
Growing up in Maine, the beach was ALWAYS where I headed when in the middle of trauma. There is something about looking out at the vastness that is so calming.
One of the hardest things for me to do, and the many \"issues\" I have with my energy levels, is acceptance of what is. I hoped ALL my life that I was indeed adopted. My Mom told me how much my brother and I were \"wanted\" but man - she sure did not act that way. With time, distance and a whole lot of inner work, I finally came to a place where I realized she was acting from her own place of hurt. And I came to a space of forgiveness. My belief system tells me that I chose those parents because I wanted to work out more karma in this lifetime. (And I am asking for really nice, compassionate, understanding parents for my next lifetime!!).
And I learned compassion.
Now - I agree you need to find community. In fact, at the risk of telling you what to do, I would make this a daily prayer request in the most positive terms. Believe it IS happening in your life now. Hugs calm the parasympathetic nervous system (as do animals - thank Goodness for your dog) and human relationships give you people to call and just let your hair down.
You have a whole lot going on. It took me a very very long time to learn NOT to go to the people that SHOULD have been there for me (parents, toxic friends) and begin to develop relationships with people who were there for me. Your Mom has issues. You are not one of them. Know that. Much much love to you. I am here if you need to talk.
wow- I cant believe your evil mother- but seriously u need to push that out of your mind (I know easier said then done) but we cant let evil win, remember that, and evil is winning if u are upset- she will face herself one day, and that\'s all I wish on her.
On the good side, shes not your real mother- that means there may be a better woman out there who is..so much to process..was your father your biological father?..
ok- I know u feel horrible and u probably don\'t want to move or think u have the strength- but u can- pray as u go- get up, take a shower, and get out of the house- one thing at a time- if u only take a shower, that\'s still good (Im not insinuating u are unclean- just saying from my own personal- sometimes when I feel so weak like I cant move, I cant take a shower, and I force myself and I ALWAYS feel reenergized after. Without fail.
Is it possible for u to go to a psychopharmacist (I think that\'s the name) basically they work with all your medications- for your greater good. Focus only on the things u can change, u cant change your substitute mother, or your son, but u can change your focus onto what is healthy for u, and put yourself first, if not now, when??
when u get out in nature, even if u only make it to the backyard, or sitting on the steps- that\'s where u make your decisions- your body and your emotions are being hijacked by outside sources, but your mind and your spirit are still yours. Its time to have your own back, and remove toxic ppl from your life, u will heal much quicker that way. Sending u prayers and strength. Start now.
My dearest soul sister.I just want to fly to you and hold you in my arms and ease all your physical and emotional pain.You are the most compassionate and gentle soul , always giving so much to others and I am so sorry that you are going through so much at once and worst of all alone. You need to let your mother go right now because your survival is the priority.You cannot deal with all of this extra emotional burden right now.It is just too heavy.When your physical strength returns, then you can address this new found problem.However , right now you need to focus on you and your healing. I am wondering what organizations are in your area ?. I feel you need to call for help.Be it a church or another spiritual group.You need to put it out there.You need comfort and support and human hugs . It\'s not fair that you have to carry this heavy load all by yourself.Yes you are eternal and not this body, but right now you are in your body and suffering without support.None of us could do this.I am going to pray to the supreme Lord to give you strength and protection and bring some people to you. I am also going to pray for money to come to me, because you need a car.I have been mainly bedridden for several mths now and unable to work and also grieving the loss of my brother.Still, I have support and would never be as brave as you , if I were alone. Please keep believing that things will change.Please do not give up hope or feel defeated by all of this my dear friend.God is in your heart and understands all that you are feeling.
Feel my love.It is very real. I am wrapping my arms around you .Know that you are loved by many others also.
You are a blessing to all who know you here.Love and gratitude and all healing beautiful soul.xoxoxoxoxoxo.
Back again.You have been on my mind most of today and I asked Frank to read your journal because I needed him to understand how I was feeling about you. I hope it\'s cool with you.He asked me to give his love to you. Actually it was only about 15yrs ago that Frank discovered that his father was not his father and also the name he had been given all of his life was not the name on his original birth certificate.That also meant that my married name was not actually legal or my children\'s names.His true identity was kept a secret by his mother and siblings all his life and he never had a clue . It\'s a long story but by the time he found out, his biological father had died. You know Debra...your adopted father loved you like his own and your grandmother loved you dearly also.So don\'t lose focus of the value of that part of your life story, despite your mother\'s harsh treatment towards you.I understand how hard it must be to heal these deep wounds. Also the shock you must have felt upon hearing the recent news.
I have never seen one single baby photo or toddler photo of myself and I often thought it strange.However I am sure I\'m not adopted.Do you know if you were adopted as a new born? OK.better go. I\'m here for you.Hang in there.Bye love Di xoxo