I AM SO NOT OKAY!

11-21/22-09:  It is VERY late/early depending on how you look at it.  I miss Scott so badly I can hardly stand it!  I seem to be okay for a bit and then I just tumble totally back!  My heart still hurts so much! Tonight Adam went to Melissa's home to get a couch & chair.  Melissa's mom & dad got a new one.  Anyway, Melissa's mom sent a scarf/hat/glove set, home with Adam, to give to me.  It was a set I gave to her just the Christmas before she passed away.  She thought I should have it.  It made me so sad!  I am barely processing Scott's death.  I don't think I have even begun to process Melissa's!  My itty-bitty Tinkerbell is gone.  I know this.  But, I just don't think I really "know" it.  And now, Adam has another girlfriend named Melissa!  She is a sweetheart but not my "Tink". Maybe it is the holidays, maybe it is that I have'nt had my anti-depressent in two days, maybe it is just that it just doesn't make sense.  I don't know!  All I really know is that I feel awful!    And, more than that, I feel awful as a friend.  I have not been in contact with any of my friends.  Oh, I have forwarded a few e-mails...but, I have not really been in contact.  I am just BLAH!   I guess I just want a little cheese with my whine!

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You are allowed to write your feelings my love.. we have all had similar thoughts and feelings and it helps us all to hear what you have to say.. I am so sorry you are down and please know that we are here for you.. love to you my friend...
deleted_user
deleted_user

How about some bacon & eggs and a good rant from me? Honey, I\'m here and I\'m still living it -which seems intolerable at this stage of the game, but I\'m with you 100 per cent, had a nice outloud conversation with Shaun last night - Oh yeah, let\'s have some swiss cheese - OK???? It\'s ok, they\'ve gone and taken me off my \"crutches\" for two years without letting me determine when to stop - So, I know.
Can you get back on the anti-depressants to help get you through the holidays?
I have those but they took me off my sedative and plopped some non-narcotic gems in a bottle and said \"Take these\", you\'ll feel better - HA.....maybe if I layed comatose for a week, I could wake up and say \"Hey\", thanks therapists I feel great - I love you - I\'m here - going to lay back down because I was up mopping floors at 4:30.............so it\'s not you - it\'s us and our contunued journey with grief and how it costs - and we\'re not going to give in now - we\'ve come way to far to collapse now - My heart goes out to you, love you so much,
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Just lean into all these feelings and be gentle with yourself. I know your friends do not have expectations of you at this time. Prayers for continued healing beamed your way my friend. We are with you on this journey of mothers with broken and splintered hearts. Love and Hugs, Joanie
KellyLee105
KellyLee105

Oh Ginger, I understand your heartache, sooo much, missing your prescious scott ...I noticed you are a year behind me, in your grieving process... From my experience through the loss of my Ryan, was sort of the turning point in my grieving process...B/C I don\'t think any human being, can take much more of that life threating heart ache, for to long...Something happened all of a sudden..I kept praying to God, to please take away the intense pain, over & over & over again..The pain lessoned, to the point of, I can finally bare it.. It almost feels like Ryan is holding my hand, and he is helping me walk through life, without his physical being...I hope this helps, Love Ya, Kelly
deleted_user
deleted_user

It IS the holidays...it is the absence of something so precious.....it is not having your meds...(please be careful)....it is the heartache that makes us know pain like never before...it is a condition that eases at some point...but as Kelly says...the intensity lets go at certain intervals...who could withstand such gripping pain for an extended length of time? God has helped me as I do really pray and pray and pray...that he will take \"this cup\" from me...and although I won\'t see Brandon again this side of Heaven. I have the hope of being with him forever in Heaven. I won\'t allow anyone to steal that hope from me. So, please know you are in good company...all of us who grieve and know you will always have bad days when you want Scott so badly...and anyone you have \"lost\"...they aren\'t lost really, they are \"just around the corner. All is well.\" (from Death is Nothing At All)...a poem read at my son\'s memorial. God please be with the mother of Scott...she needs Your mighty hand to uphold her through this sorrow. Please give her peace...the peace that passes all understanding. In Christ.....Dale....Brandon\'s Mom
rcoco
rcoco

You echo what we all feel at one time or another on this path. I am finding that for me, this year has been a series of steps in realizing the finality of death. Actually integrating the reality that my son is not coming back is taking a year. It seems like I have woven a cocoon around the horrible truth, and each passing day reveals another memory, or another flash back that stabs my heart.
Yes, the holidays are a powerful trigger, I feel like in order to deal with them, I will just zone out. I guess I am not lending a helping hand right now. I can only say what we all know, there are no words to describe the profound sorrow of a mother who has lost her child. I hope you can move through the holidays with grace and peace. I know our sons would want us to find peace.
love and light, Rebecca
KimRW
KimRW

Ginger, your feelings are all so familiar to me. It is just such an up and down ride and now with the holidays starting, it just seems to be worse. Just try and continue to take one day at a time.....it\'s all we can do for now. Thoughts are with you...and hoping you have some better days ahead. Hugs, Kim
deleted_user
deleted_user

There is a story of a little girl who got home from visiting her friend later than her mother had expected. When her mother asked the reason for the delay, the child said, \"I was helping Jane. Her doll broke.\"
The mother asked, \"Did you help her fix it?\"
The child said, \"No. I helped her cry.\"
~Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for working Through Grief
by Martha Whitmore Hickman
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh Ginger, the knocks keep coming and we haven\'t healed from the one before. How do we ever recover from losing our children? Then everything after that hits us twice as hard. I am often the same with my friends, I slink away into my own world. I haven\'t even written a journal on here for ages. trying to keep our head above water all the time takes all the energy we can muster, I\'m sure our friends understand that. Big hugs, Carlotte. xox
deleted_user
deleted_user

Ginger, it seems like this time of the year can trigger almost anything. I will pray the all will be well with you....Hugs to you my friend, Connie
biowoman
biowoman

This time of year this loss is even harder...think of Alex all the time...miss him...and then the next minute I think...I am okay...love my family and my friends...it is like we are two different people...love to you...Karen
BinkyH
BinkyH

Ginger, it is a rough time of year. I hope your spirits lift soon as we approach the holidays. Love and hugs to you, Belinda
deleted_user
deleted_user

I agree with Belinda, it\'s a rough time of year. Hopefully the cloud will lift. You\'re a better friend than me. Love and hugs Cathy