I am quite worried...
I have been noticing that the last few nights I have been having difficulty falling asleep...and frankly, with the stuff that's been coming out regards my people issues -- both public and private -- maybe I really do have reason to be scared.
So far, besides the obvious, it's come out that apparently it's taking a lot of energy for me not to be beating random people up. It really does seem that I have a very long grudge that has effectively been imputed to everyone I see, and I just don't know what to do about that. I mean, I've been told that I really only need to forgive myself and not my HS classmates...I'm starting to doubt if I will actually be able to do that.
Not really anything else to add right now...
So far, besides the obvious, it's come out that apparently it's taking a lot of energy for me not to be beating random people up. It really does seem that I have a very long grudge that has effectively been imputed to everyone I see, and I just don't know what to do about that. I mean, I've been told that I really only need to forgive myself and not my HS classmates...I'm starting to doubt if I will actually be able to do that.
Not really anything else to add right now...
Replies
you will be able to get through it and whether or not you hold a grudge against them for life is irrelevant. the issue here is you are imposing that on the innocent, my suggestion is you need to find an outlet for that frustration. you have a gym at school presumably, might i suggest using a punching bag, or weights, or something else that you can pour that agression into?
I agree with WyndWytch,now is the time for some physical release.There are lots of ways we work things out sometimes on paper,sometimes over long conversations but actual exercise is a great way to force those old demons out of our brains and benefit physically as well.Even if you just start with a brisk walk that\'s good,walk quickly and far,the movement will carry your thoughts away from stomping random people.Journalling alot does help,not all entries have to be a complete revelation of past horrors,some can be just you nusing over ideas or asking yourself questions.Any information plugged into the brain through any means(writing,exercising,comversation)gets churned around and worked into a solution,maybe not always a permanent solution but something for right now to stop the mental discomfort,provide relief.It is bound to be uncomfortable as past terrors come to light but without exsposing them they can all too easily fester and grow into something too big to deal with.I think you are doing awesome,you are letting your story come out little by little and also being honest about how that makes you feel.I think most people would be blatantly lieing if they said there was some past perpetrator of nastiness to them that they didn\'t want to punch,we all do!Yes the key is forgiveness and self love,the trick is also to not bring further hurt upon yourself by doing anything violent or negative.Also there are some things you cannot forgive,then the goal is to admit as such but also remind yourself to think rationally whenever this topic comes up,know you have a problem,a sore spot,as time goes by it will become less painful and eventually you will be able to worl on it and remove its hold/power over you.All these things ,your sleep being disrupted,feelings of worry,feelings of anxiety,they are all healthy reactions to negative happenings in your life.Now you are at the stage of being able to look back at them and analyze them,tear them down,and finally kick them out.You can leave these things behind and start off unencumbered by a load of \"baggage\".Yes these things happened,yes they terrified you,but you survived these things you are older now and capable of an honest dissection of the events.Do you really want high school maliciuosness to rule your adult life?I don\'t think so.Young people can be extremely cruel but realize high school is done and you don\'t EVER have to do that again.I was once advised to write long letters to my high school bullies and pour out everything they made me feel,how I cried,how furious I was with them.Pages poured forth,I put it in an envelope,tucked it in my dresser drawer and whenever the memories upset or plague me I take out those letters and work through it again letting my own words re-heal the wounds.There is a reason you came on this site and started communicating about your past,it is bothering you and holding up your current developement,you need some change therefore you are being prompted to act.Yes things will never be the same again but that is good,keep talking,exsposing,cleaning out it is wonderful.I hope you are getting some benefit from coming on here and I think you can deal with whatever memories come up just fine,it takes time and work but you can do it!!!