I am Off Balance

My pdoc warned me that i should call him as soon as I found out I was prego because my medication would stop working.  Well I'm pretty sure that is the case.  I still feel mostly in control, but I'm taken with monstrous waves of emotion and passion and feeling! I feel so much right now!  it is out of control!!!!!  I really want to tough it out the first trimester if I can. I want the baby to be as healthy as possible and I have been taught many techniques to deal with this.  I feel so much passion and am increasingly bored!~  I want to go dancing, smoking, playing!  I want to do something other than all this work and work and work.  I just went out and watched the movie Twilight!  Holy crap was that the best movie ever! I'm madly and deeply in love and lustful of Edward.  Terrible I know since he is 8 years younger than me!  Awe but in vampire years he is at least a 100 years older than me :-).  I have always been fascinated with vampires.  I think it is because of being bp.  It's like giving my internal self the self that I try desperately to control a name... vampire.  Being bp can suck the life out of our loved ones so it isn't that far fetched right?  What a movie it just crawled inside me and it is all I can think about.  I'm obsessing like crazy over this movie!  And it isn't the hotness of the man, but really it's the passion and excitement and danger of the story.  I forgot how much I crave that!  And really my cravings for danger are just rearing their ugly head again!  I'm not sure what to do about it, but for now... deep breathes and calming thoughs have been my track.  I'm going to try and point all of this new obsessive energy into the things that I'm supposed tob e doing.  Problem is I can already see my school suffering from the lack of medication working.  I just can't bring myself to work on it.  I don't want to so therefore I don't.  HA I wish that were ok... Oh well. What is even crazier is I feel like I get to visit myself again.  Stop pretending and subdueing myself with all of these drugs.  I get to be passionate again, and feel again, and write music, and stories.  I'm excited to meet my creative side again because I have missed her.  Sometimes I'll walk past my piano and remember and wish i was driven to play, create... Music... the language of emotion.  It is one of the greatest outlets of this disorder for me.  Or at least it was when I was bothered by this disorder.   So... I am supposed to go see the pdoc, but I don't want to.  Not yet.