I am hurting worse now than when my husband 1st died

It seems that I am hurting worse today than when Smokey passed away on Nov. 15, 2009.  At first I went into a state of shock but now I am feeling everything and it hurts.  On my worst days, I don't want to make it to 2010.  On my good days, I feel there is a purpose why I am still alive.  It all sucks and I wouldn't wish this experience to anyone in my life at all.  It sucks. Diane Baillie