I am alone because NO ONE can deal with the reality of being around someone so depressed.
I don't feel right. I am watching myself slip over the edge. I slip quietly. Some people jump and scream on the way down. I am just dissolving. No one is noticing. I think they are probably tired of hearing me talk about being depressed and/or stressed. People are funny. When someone close to them commits suicide they are all broken up. Maybe they blame themselves. maybe they are angry. Accusations of taking the cowards way out. They can go fuck themselves. Society only wants to see happy people. Depressed people are hard to live with. I know. I am depressed and I still couldn't deal with my daughter's issues. Medications don't have a good track record. The reality is they only work half of the time. They don't work for me and the constant switching up of meds is worse than not being on any. I feel like I am edging closer to dying every day. People who think suicide is for cowards have obviously never been close to it. Death scares the shit out of me. Life hurts so deeply. The old standby that it is a permanent answer to a temporary problem is over simplified. Many times the problem is far from temporary. I have never. not once in 45 years, been "normal". If you are reading and want to spout off about my use of the word, " normal", please STFU. Yes, I do leave this diary/journal open to the public so yes you have a right to comment as you see fit and I have the right to say STFU.
Hope and fear have been what keeps me alive. Hope is gone now. Fear is keeping me here for now. My tdoc is frustrated with me and pdoc is too. For my part I admit I am not willing to have to work daily at being ok. By that I mean I am not interested in living a life where I have to work the DBT shit every minute of every day just to be ok. I just spent 15 minutes googling I term I read about a few weeks ago. It describes someone who rejects all possible solutions. I feel like I am that person. The person who says " I am so alone" Then join a group. Me :No, I can't, I'm too shy. On and on. What the hell is the term for that??? I am that person. I hate to admit it but I am. It is one of the things that frustrates tdoc. I reject all the solutions (or so he says) He is not always fair about that. I have had valid reasons for some of the rejections. I think this is him saying that I am choosing to be a victim. Maybe I am. Another reason I suck.
Hope and fear have been what keeps me alive. Hope is gone now. Fear is keeping me here for now. My tdoc is frustrated with me and pdoc is too. For my part I admit I am not willing to have to work daily at being ok. By that I mean I am not interested in living a life where I have to work the DBT shit every minute of every day just to be ok. I just spent 15 minutes googling I term I read about a few weeks ago. It describes someone who rejects all possible solutions. I feel like I am that person. The person who says " I am so alone" Then join a group. Me :No, I can't, I'm too shy. On and on. What the hell is the term for that??? I am that person. I hate to admit it but I am. It is one of the things that frustrates tdoc. I reject all the solutions (or so he says) He is not always fair about that. I have had valid reasons for some of the rejections. I think this is him saying that I am choosing to be a victim. Maybe I am. Another reason I suck.
Replies
Maybe you feel powerless to change anything, maybe you are tired of trying and failing, maybe you have stuff inside that you don\'t think you can bear. Maybe there\'s some reason that you are angry at everyone but your abusers. That\'s a mystery I would like to solve - I wonder why that is? And I\'m not being rhetorical or patronizing, I really do wonder.
Yes, I do feel powerless to change. The hurt and anger are so deep and I feel so alone with them. I am just really feeling the anger towards my parents and their role(s). I think that maybe from the outside looking in I appear to be stuck in victim status. It might be true. The day my father drove me to the abuser\'s house to shame me was the day I decided to emotionally disconnect from my parents. I was about 9 or 10 years old. I did not consider myself a victim. I thought I need to be strong now. I need to take care of myself. Don\'t trust anyone and learn to protect yourself. There were a few times So maybe I finally got a chance to be a victim. I got a chance to be weak. I want to be looked after. That is what we do for victims isn\'t it? We take care of them? Yes, I\'m fucked because no one will take care of me. I\'m pissed about that. It fucking hurts.
I actually do not agree that you are powerless or that you are playing the role of \'victim\'. Anger is a very powerful emotion and you have felt a lot of it. And it is all justified anger.
What I have learned is that anger is one emotion that keeps us safe. It protects us from the hurts of the world and the hurts within us. I am sure you have seen how your anger can keep people away from you - this may be why you feel so alone. As we hold onto anger it protects us from the hurt we feel deep down inside. You say you are feeling the hurt so that is actually a good sign that you are moving on from the anger (because all other emotions are hidden by anger). It does not mean that the anger will go away but if you have let in the hurt then it is at least sharing the spotlight (so to speak).
Is anyone working with you on how to safely release the anger? Or are they telling you that you must calmly look at it and \'let it go\'? I was fortunate to have a therapist who believed in releasing the anger and she taught me safe ways to do this - rip up a cardboard box; rip up a phone book; punch a pillow (I have a punching bag); scream and yell at the tops of your lungs at the person/people who hurt you (I did this in the car all the time); cry as this will release anger and hurt; write what you are so angry about and then, if you feel like it, burn it. These are all ways to safely release the anger a little at a time.
I understand wanting to be taken care of and loved. I wanted that too. I craved it just like you do and you know what? We have every right to crave it and demand it because when we needed it most the adults who were supposed to protect us and love us...didn\'t. And that is something to be very angry about. But please stop pointing that anger at you - which turns into depression. Please point it where it belongs and try to use some of the safe release methods I mentioned above. You CAN release all that anger Cecil and you CAN heal. You DESERVE to heal.
((hugs))
How are you kind to yourself?
How do you love your little girl? She\'s an awfully brave little girl, to make that warrior\'s choice at the age of ten. It\'s horribly sad that she had to go through that, but she is very, very brave and strong. Very courageous.
BTW, missed you posting and in general.I can\'t get online at work anymore, am around less.