I am alive but confused about my purpose in life. I am surviving the loss of Smokey.

I am alive but confused about my purpose in life.  I am surviving the loss of Smokey but just barely.  I need a job as well.  I am getting many resumes out but no interview and no bites.  I am totally depressed.  I don't want to be medicated because it doesn't take away the pain and hurt with the loss of my Smokey.  I don't want to work at McDonalds or Tim Hortons as many many people have suggested.  There must be a purpose why I am alive and breathing.  I just don't know what that purpose is for me.  It seems once Smokey died my life fell totally apart and I don't know how to put it back together again and make it whole.  Sigh!  Sigh!  Big Sigh!  When it gets too much for me, I seem to yell at my brother Don who has Asperger's Syndrome.  This is not a good way to vent my frustrations.  I just have to realize the symptoms and not get together with Don until the symptoms abate.  I feel my life is falling apart rapidly and there is not one thing that I can do about it.  It is like I see my life passing away as an observer.  I am not the observer and it is my life or the one God blessed me with in the here and now.   Oh me, oh mio...my heart is broken up inside and full of pain  When will it get better?  This week I am feeling all the pain pretty intensely.  Of course, I have not been going out as I normally do.  I get to hang out with my daughter, Grandson and Carol tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it greatly.  My grandson is the light in my life but I would like to find a love of my own and someone to hang around with or go out on an actual date.  One day at a time.  There is no rush that is for sure.  I am not going out of my way to find someone but my heart is open to a new love.  I have not shut the door on that one.  My thrill from this week I finally got underwear that actually fits me.  I went down one size so I am happy about it.  I got two bras that fit me snuggly the way there are supposed to fit.  I found a pair of white jeans on sale that fit snuggly and comfortably.  I don't see the need of sexy loungerie because who sees it anyways.  Newly married or new relations (some believe in marriage and some do not) if you get together with a guy, the stuff comes off and you are naked.  I used to buy it for Smokey but realized it was so useless.  I gave it all to my daughter Lisa when she was dating.  After the baby, I don't think she wears it anymore.  I am just venting anything that comes to my mind.  What do men expect from women over 50?  We don't have the tight bodies of a twenty year old.  We can be in shape but we are not 20 anymore.  I think I hate dating at any age.  It is hard.  I just have been out of the dating world for ten years and don't know the rules anymore or if there are any rules.  If there are guys who are single in their fifties, they probably want a 20 years old.  If they don't want 20 years olds, what do they expect from a woman their own age.  I am scared of it all.  I think of all these things.  Before I write a manual, I will say bye for now and until I write again from Diane