i abstained today

I didn't cut today. I made it thru. Don't know how I felt so great in the AM, but it faded by midday.  Why?  What did I do?  Why does this keep happening?  What is wrong w/ me?  Everything I try fails.  I'm so sick of that.   I realized the 1 bona fide confidant I thought I had was an illusion.  And I thought I was ok w/ that.  But it turns out I'm not.  It turns out that it makes me so incredibly lonely.  I think b/c I got my hopes up for actual camaraderie.  And usual, life bitch-smacked me & said, "Just who do you think you are?  You know damn well you are a pathetic creature.  You don't deserve confort, love, or any of those things nice ppl get."  And I crawled back into my corner & apologized profusely for wanting what others have. Then I got home & found a sympathy card from Spike's vet.  It's pushing me to the edge.  I tried to talk to Tony but just couldn't make the words form.  Pitiful. Why do I keep trying?  What's the point anymore?  After 32 years, I've lived enough of this sorry existence.  So, what keeps me going?  I used to think it was hope.  Is it?  Why do I hope in the face of adversity?