HypoMANIC
Yup, we are definitely in a bpd up cycle. How do I know? Running on 4 hrs sleep and waking up bright and bushy tailed at the ungodly hr of 2am EVERY morning is a clue. Or perhaps is running all day with little desire for food .. Or perhaps its pushing myslf fo exhaustion and still being unable to unwind...
last weekend for the first time in over a year i was able to work on my house .. Got my power tools out, got down and dirty side by side with the workmen. Was stll jazzed yesterday so i decided to try laying a hardwood floor with just my son to help. it literally took 4 hours to get the first board in .. No kidding. My muscles were tired andsore, i have no physical strength so even drivinganail is out of thequestion, my body hurt so much i spent the day scooting around on my behind because getting up was just too painful. .. But this is wherethebpd comes in ..didnt matter the the progress was pathetically poor, i was driven to do SOMETHING, i could not spend another day lying in bedfrustrated at all the things i cant to. It took me12 hrs to lay 6 floorboards and walking today was tiugh.. But i am so grateful that i felt well eno ugh to do that much.
hoping i will get the chance to do another round this weekend.
Yes i am pushing too hard, but i truly dont know any other way of being, if its only a day in each year, i savor the feeling of being self sufficient, of having the ability to do something most folks would not even consider trying and even though 90% of the projects i take on remain unfinished .. I cant help myself. I have to Keep going for the big prize.
ps: still trying to decide whether to pronounce the reno project a success or an absolute fiasco. Money is all gone..man it went fast .. And nothing is finished. Masonry,carpentry, grillwork, flooring, plumbing all in various states of completion. ita been about 8 weeks now and i declared last weekend the door close date. No more wo rkmen allowed in my bouse. I am exhausted, i am drained physically,mentally and financially. They are not welcome nymore.. So its another unfinished chapter in my long journey home.
i remain grateful thuoghfor every day that i held up. Grateful that i have been able to deal with thedust, and the running backand forth, and trying to hold my temper and not curse them out for incompetence.. Grateful taht thegood Lordkeptmemellow for themost part and brougt me through it. Gratefulmost of all that i canseeanother piece of thevision taking shape, thecanvas is not complete but if i step back and squint really hard.. I can see it.
I am grateful for inspiration and hope and courage ..they keep me going and gives back some ofthepower thatcfs takes away. I remain.. Trulyblessed.
last weekend for the first time in over a year i was able to work on my house .. Got my power tools out, got down and dirty side by side with the workmen. Was stll jazzed yesterday so i decided to try laying a hardwood floor with just my son to help. it literally took 4 hours to get the first board in .. No kidding. My muscles were tired andsore, i have no physical strength so even drivinganail is out of thequestion, my body hurt so much i spent the day scooting around on my behind because getting up was just too painful. .. But this is wherethebpd comes in ..didnt matter the the progress was pathetically poor, i was driven to do SOMETHING, i could not spend another day lying in bedfrustrated at all the things i cant to. It took me12 hrs to lay 6 floorboards and walking today was tiugh.. But i am so grateful that i felt well eno ugh to do that much.
hoping i will get the chance to do another round this weekend.
Yes i am pushing too hard, but i truly dont know any other way of being, if its only a day in each year, i savor the feeling of being self sufficient, of having the ability to do something most folks would not even consider trying and even though 90% of the projects i take on remain unfinished .. I cant help myself. I have to Keep going for the big prize.
ps: still trying to decide whether to pronounce the reno project a success or an absolute fiasco. Money is all gone..man it went fast .. And nothing is finished. Masonry,carpentry, grillwork, flooring, plumbing all in various states of completion. ita been about 8 weeks now and i declared last weekend the door close date. No more wo rkmen allowed in my bouse. I am exhausted, i am drained physically,mentally and financially. They are not welcome nymore.. So its another unfinished chapter in my long journey home.
i remain grateful thuoghfor every day that i held up. Grateful that i have been able to deal with thedust, and the running backand forth, and trying to hold my temper and not curse them out for incompetence.. Grateful taht thegood Lordkeptmemellow for themost part and brougt me through it. Gratefulmost of all that i canseeanother piece of thevision taking shape, thecanvas is not complete but if i step back and squint really hard.. I can see it.
I am grateful for inspiration and hope and courage ..they keep me going and gives back some ofthepower thatcfs takes away. I remain.. Trulyblessed.
Replies
Just read your Jan 2 entry, so I know you had a bad body relapse from that. You sound so much like me! I have had strong bpd tendencies, never diagnosed but have cfs/fm. I feel very physical type explosions that I have to get up and do something sometimes. However I\'ve come to see that our own journey and intuition will in the end be enough. It is very individual what each of us wants \"to work on\" for a creative outlet. Remember to give yourself credit for each amt you have done, and keeping cool, etc.. My thoughts are with you.