Hyper

Don't figure anyone will read this and guess I don't care -- have no one to explain this insight to who would understand or care, guess journaling is all I can do.  With ADD and a horrible anxiety disorder, and being female, I've always been trained not to let the hyper show or to be confident about it.  Authority figures don't like hyper -- most men I know don't like women who are both hyper and confident (well, I do work for some very reactionary males, so maybe not all are like that) -- even other women don't really like women who are hyper.  I've had trouble with the ADD lately; as my diabetes gets under control some of my energy is coming back, and as soon as I get a little energy I start getting hyper -- and then I start getting anxious.  Spent my whole life hiding what I am from other people, since no matter who the other person is there's some facet of my personality that they really don't like (even my friends).  But I can never seem to get enough done, and I know that part of it is because I'm so busy squashing myself down I won't let myself access the energy that comes with the hyper part.  It's hard to harness and focus that part, but I used to be able to do it on occasion, and I need to learn to do it again.  And I need to be not afraid of what other people's reactions are going to be.  I'm 58 and I'm tired of hiding. In the last year or so I've started using multi-syllable words, not stopping to"dumb down" what I'm saying.  (Dammit, if someone doesn't understand a word they can look it up online or buy a dictionary!)  So now, I need to learn to do the same regarding teh hyper -- (1) stop being afraid of the hyper, (2) learn to tap into when I have it, and (3) stop being afraid to let other people see it.   It would be great if I could take meds to focus and direct my energy, and on my next shrink visit I'll ask about that.  But at my age that's probably not going to be workable; after menopause your body responds differently to medications.  So whatever works, it's going to have to be something that changes in my own attitude. I have at least one friend who is able to harness her "hyper" and is not afraid or ashamed of it.  (Of course, she doesn't have an anxiety disorder.)  Anyway, I'm going to try to think of her when I get cowardly.