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Sisters,
I am feeling so odd today...I have come to trust expressing my feelings here...I love being told I am "normal"...I just know somwone will know what I am feeling and why or maybe how to calm it down. I am extremely nervous...like a prolonged anxiety attack. I feel like I am not getting any air. I concentrate on my breathing, I see my chest going up and down...I KNOW I am breathing but I am having to work very hard to not hyperventilate because I feel such panic, starved for oxygen.
I suddenly became overwhelmed this morning. I was working on a painting that just wasn't going right. It was too frustrating. Then I looked around at all the clutter. I immediately knew I never wanted to paint again. I packed up everything...my paints, my canvases, my brushes, all of my supplies. It is supposed to be a relaxing hobby and was causing me anxiety. I didn't throw everything away, but I packed it all up. I spent a lot of money on my things, if I don't change my mind then I will give it away. But for now, I don't ever want to pick up a paintbrush again...impulsive, I know...then I started looking around...everything seemed cluttered, I feel so clausterphobic. So I threw away some stuff, organized other stuff, still don't fe4el better...took more Xanax, took a bath...my hands are still shaking...still can't catch my breath.
I have a counseling appointment today. I can't go. I can't drive. I know I need it, I KNOW...but I can't go. Does any of this sound familiar???
I am feeling so odd today...I have come to trust expressing my feelings here...I love being told I am "normal"...I just know somwone will know what I am feeling and why or maybe how to calm it down. I am extremely nervous...like a prolonged anxiety attack. I feel like I am not getting any air. I concentrate on my breathing, I see my chest going up and down...I KNOW I am breathing but I am having to work very hard to not hyperventilate because I feel such panic, starved for oxygen.
I suddenly became overwhelmed this morning. I was working on a painting that just wasn't going right. It was too frustrating. Then I looked around at all the clutter. I immediately knew I never wanted to paint again. I packed up everything...my paints, my canvases, my brushes, all of my supplies. It is supposed to be a relaxing hobby and was causing me anxiety. I didn't throw everything away, but I packed it all up. I spent a lot of money on my things, if I don't change my mind then I will give it away. But for now, I don't ever want to pick up a paintbrush again...impulsive, I know...then I started looking around...everything seemed cluttered, I feel so clausterphobic. So I threw away some stuff, organized other stuff, still don't fe4el better...took more Xanax, took a bath...my hands are still shaking...still can't catch my breath.
I have a counseling appointment today. I can't go. I can't drive. I know I need it, I KNOW...but I can't go. Does any of this sound familiar???
Replies
Hi! You are going to hear it again. It is normal grieving. I too often felt short of breath. I didn\'t realize it was panic for quite awhile! I found that going for a walk helped the claustrophobic feelings. Clutter bugged me but I had no energy to do anything about it (maybe that is why I went for walks - I didn\'t have to look at it).
I am glad you didn\'t throw away your paints. But putting them away was what you needed to do. My son paints - the pieces he did after Lisa died were heartbreaking. He paints from his gut so a lot of his work is hard to look at.
I understand not being able to drive but I wish there was some way to get there. Please don\'t take more Xanax that the doctor ordered.
I wish I could be there to drive you to the counselor!
Love and hugs,
Marlene
for you it\'s painting, for me it was knitting and sewing..... it took so long for me to pick up me knitting and even longer to sit at the sewing machine.... don\'t give up on painting,, just give it much more time,,,,, tis those baby steps,,,, love ya!
You MUST go to your therapist appointments! Your increased anxiety is possibly a subconscious reaction to that appointment. Have you ever had a toothache, and you just KNOW the tooth needs a root canal or an extraction, but on the day of the appointment IT STOPS HURTING?
What you feel is normal. You are entering a phase of very high anxiety, generalized fear, unnamed horror, inability to concentrate, lack of interest in former activities, compromised appetite, probably disturbed sleep. Be careful with that Xanax! Do NOT take more than the recommended dose. If it isn\'t helping within 20 minutes, you aren\'t LETTING it help, it\'s not the drug, not this soon after beginning it.
You have got to REFUSE to allow yourself to blow off your therapy appointments. You can allow yourself to feel any way you are feeling but you cannot allow yourself to NOT go to therapy. Just as you would a recalcitrant child, take yourself to that \"dentist\" no matter the anxiety, the feeling you can\'t breathe, the heart palpitations, the shaking hands....YOU MUST GO. Trust me. This \"toothache\" will get much worse if you don\'t get help.
You can do this. Friedrich Nietzsche, in \"Beyond Good and Evil\", Aphorism 146, dated 1886, said:
\"And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. \"
You are gazing into the abyss. It is terrifying. This is a journey you make alone but you have a guide and that guide is a therapist you can TRUST and feel a connection with. If you are not able to trust your therapist or make a connection after a few visits, find another one. A grief counselor with many years experience with parents of suicides is preferred. But you must gaze into that abyss, the sooner the better. Remember one thing: every single feeling you have...the panic....the anxiety....the mourning....the hopelessness....this is all a NORMAL reaction to a horrific life experience. There is nothing \"inside\" of you, nothing in that \"abyss\", you can\'t learn to live with. That\'s the tiger in the lifeboat, sister. You will find a way.
Hi Gina --- I too have begun having anxiety, panic attacks and remind myself daily minute by minute to BREATHE!! You are normal and your therapist is there to help - there are some things that if not done, it\'s okay but seeing your therapist will help you. It\'s okay to need that help - this is a time in your life that is horrible but because of SOTH, us mom\'s who are in the first few months, have HOPE! Much love to you - hugging you tightly! Vicki.
Our lives are topsy turvy from the stress of our bereavement-everything may seem extreme for awhile--therapy can be a big help-keep going! Love, Donna
Our bodies do react to this most horrific of a body slam called grief. Also, you are taking different medications that your body might be trying to adjust to so I believe the combo of all of this sets one up for this. When in doubt check it out and perhaps a call to your doctor to let them know what you are experiencing would be wise.
I remember feeling so nervous the first time I visited our family therapist and my shirt was completely pitted out when I left. I had released so much on every level and it wasn\'t easy to go back, yet I did and she was integral in my healing in those early months. Each time I left I felt validated for how I was feeling and she helped me to reframe areas where I was feeling stuck. Hoping you can make those appointments when you are able to.
Hopeful today is a day where the breathing does not feel quite so labored and that you continue to feel heard, cared for and supported on this path. This \"new normal\" is really a hard shoe to get to fit, yet one day it will slip on with more ease and you\'ll find going barefoot is what feels best of all. It will not always be this gut wrenching, tear your heart out of your chest kind of feeling... I know it is now so just keep holding on and taking those baby steps as you are.
With love and care,
XO Joanie
Hello Gina, I remember the first months. I experienced anxiety too. Clutter bothered me but it was an extreme reaction; maybe trying desperately to get some control/order in my life again after the worst explosion of chaos a mom can experience happened.
if you cannot get to therapy look up in home therapy. Many therapists offer this service now.
It is good you come here. I am proud of you for reaching out.
Sending love and peace, Linda