hurts so bad

why is this happening.why did this happen.i want to hold him again, just one more time, id do anything in this world. please just make this stop. i want to wake up and have this not be real. how can this be real. how can my baby be gone. why did he deserve this...what did i do to deserve this, any of this...what if it wasnt in gods plan to take him, what if it was something i did. what if i wasnt resting enough like i should of been. i wish i could go back and change so many things. i dont even know if he was in pain before he passed. what if he was in pain, and i couldnt do anything to help him. i would do anything for him not to be in pain and i dont even know if he was. it was a mistake to take him, it had to be a mistake.i dont want this to be real anymore.