Hurting , sad and lost
I thought things were getting a little bit easier but what a roller coaster of emotions, I feel like I did when Giz first passed, it may be my own fault . First I changed my vanity plate and have my Giz's nickname on them and his little harness on my rearview mirror and I put what was an awesome pic of him on my computer screen, but when I look at it he is laying in the same spot where I last saw him before he passed, his eyes are so wide open like they always were , questioning taking it all in , its one of my fav pictues of him, I have found myself touching the screen, actually kissed it , no I am not crazy. I need him with me, even if a pic. I do not want time to erase his face from my mind I want to see him daily, in front of me..I know you'll say , take that pic off the computer , you have your memories, hes in your heart, if I take that pic off ,what ....just press delete ??? Remove ? How can I ? I cant...does anyone know what I mean ?? I have cried so much lately , it hasnt been that long June 7th...I thought the tears had lessened , that I was empty, unable to feel, and here I am ..I have my garden am worried about when winter comes and I cant see where my Giz lays..he hated the winter , the cold, his little feet wet , maybe I am crazy..I just know I love that little boy with all my heart and it hurts so much to be without him...I love you my little GizzyMoMo
Replies
No sweetie, you\'re not crazy for wanting Giz\'s pictures all over. I did the same thing with Lindsey and I also have a picture of her on my desktop that I *KISS* everynight before I go to bed.
I had typed up a story of my experiance with what I went thru with Lindsey from the moment I found out about her illness till the end and then some.
When I was downstate visitng my family this weekend I read it to them. In the middle of the journel I started to cry uncontrolable. The emotions that ran through me. It was so unbeleavable. My mother started to hug me as I was trying to read her the rest of the story. I\'ts been awhile since I cried that hard.
I know Lindsey hated thunder storms. So every time we have a storm I find my self tearing up knowing that she\'s out in the storm and there\'s nothing I could do about it......
I do know what you\'re feeling and you\'re NOT crazy with any of the above. You just LOVED your Giz so much as I did Lindsey that we are going to have these feelings everyday. Somedays might be more than others. Don\'t think you\'re crazy sweety because you\'re NOT........ Just remember your not alone.
((((((((((((((((((HHHUUUUUUGGGGSSS))))))))))))))
Love, Michelle xoxoxox
God Michelle this is so hard isnt it ? Just when you think phew, maybe things are getting a bit easier some foolish little things sends you spiraling back into that dark place that you crawled your way out of. I just dont know when it will get easier, you are so fortunate to have a family that is understanding..I could cry at the drop of a hat but control my emotions til my hub leaves..I was doing somewhat \"okay\" , I just dont understand..right now I hate my job , my life..all I have in my head is I wont ever see my Giz again..I know you understand,my father died and all my life he was my world, as long as I can remember even as a small child I worried how I could ever be without him, and he died and everything fell apart but I moved on, got thru it and did fine...why is the loss of my Giz , cant finish that because I know why, because I believe I was responsible,I see his face and think why didnt I bring him right in,I cant change that but dont seem to be able to get past that..I\'m sorry Michelle for going on and on, I just needed to vent to someone that knows just what I\'m saying and feeling..thanks for being here..I thank god for you and this site, I dont have anyone here..sorry, such a baby
{{{HUGS}}}}} Love Bonni
I know what you mean about wanting pictures around. I keep Pinky\'s pictures around. I have on as my computer desk top as well as a picture by my computer for when I am working on other things. Sometimes the pictures make me sad and I want to cry, other times they make me recall happy times.
You are not crazy and you can\'t blame yourself. Huge {{{{hug}}}