hurts

its crazy how a feeling can just overwhelm you within a matter of seconds, out of no where. how emotional pain can make you feel like you're unable to breathe, to have you on the floor crying not able to get back up.the pain i have right now is indescribable.because i know anytime from now to my actual due date, december 12, i would have josh in my arms. i was going to have a c-section done a couple weeks early.and just to know that its not going to happen, that the reality of it is that he's gone, hurts so bad.i dont know how a person can survive feeling this pain. i dont know how i am alive right now. i didnt know it was going to be like this. having this reality of whats happening just shoved in my face. i didnt know i could feel this hurt again. its like the day i lost him. i need something, i need some kind of help. im too afriad to ask for support. im too, i dont know what, to go into my moms room and just cry and have someone be there for me. i dont want people to see me like this. i found myself screaming silently at god, how could he do this. im so angry, any faith i felt like i had is just gone. i want this to be a horrible nightmare. i dont want this to be real anymore.  my friend just messaged me and i told her i was too upset to talk and she knew it was from josh. and like she basically tried making me feel better by saying the past is the past. and then i told her i appreciate it her helping but i dont know how to talk about it right now and that i was sorry that i was too upset. and she goes on bitching about some guy that she was dating for a month and how he left her and how her life is so horrible. i just to shake her and be like how can you say these things. my baby is dead and youre talking about such petty things to me. and that might sound insensitive but its how i feel about it. nothing anyone can say can make this better, so why would i even try.i just want my baby.