Hurts
It has been a long , rough day. I am much more affected by Robin Williams suicide that I thought I would be. I feel so awful for him. He had endured so much pain for so long. I imagine this was not an easy choice for him to make.
I know how exhausting it is to keep holding on and to keep trying. Sometimes we just can't get up one more time.
Besides that I just feel such a loss on so many levels. I am really disappointed with my friends. Maybe I am just being too sensitive lately. I feel like once again I must compromise for them though I know the other 2 compromise as well. I know they love the SCA but it seems to consume them. I need to leave room in my life for other things as well. I have always had the sense that in order to keep their friendship it was something I had to participate in. I enjoy some of it but I do not want to commit to the same level they have. Like I mentioned, I have other interests.
I would have enjoyed spending an hour or 2 with one of my friends but that will only happen once her kids go back to school and i take a day off from work. I won't take a day off from work to hang with her like I usually do. She says weekends are family time and summer days she has to be home with the kids ( totally understand except the oldest is 16 and could help out on occasion) Her rules make it difficult.
They are such good friends in so many ways and I don't want to loose their friendship but I wish I could just come as I am. No garb, no costumes, no persona. I'm just really confused.
Confusion and loneliness, pain. I want to be held. I feel so fucking isolated right now.
I once again wish I had the strength to die. I am so tired of the pain, the constant starting over, the constant failure.
I hurt pretty bad right now.
I am afraid to go to sleep. I have been having panic attacks in my sleep. As far as panic attacks go they aren't too bad. I have had worse. I will take my phone to bed with me just in case. Some nights it has only been 2 or 3 but some nights have been 6 or more.
Too much shit running around my brain right now. I don't want to take the xanax unless I need it. I want to learn how to not have the panic attacks or how to soothe myself without drugs.
Gonna sleep now.
I know how exhausting it is to keep holding on and to keep trying. Sometimes we just can't get up one more time.
Besides that I just feel such a loss on so many levels. I am really disappointed with my friends. Maybe I am just being too sensitive lately. I feel like once again I must compromise for them though I know the other 2 compromise as well. I know they love the SCA but it seems to consume them. I need to leave room in my life for other things as well. I have always had the sense that in order to keep their friendship it was something I had to participate in. I enjoy some of it but I do not want to commit to the same level they have. Like I mentioned, I have other interests.
I would have enjoyed spending an hour or 2 with one of my friends but that will only happen once her kids go back to school and i take a day off from work. I won't take a day off from work to hang with her like I usually do. She says weekends are family time and summer days she has to be home with the kids ( totally understand except the oldest is 16 and could help out on occasion) Her rules make it difficult.
They are such good friends in so many ways and I don't want to loose their friendship but I wish I could just come as I am. No garb, no costumes, no persona. I'm just really confused.
Confusion and loneliness, pain. I want to be held. I feel so fucking isolated right now.
I once again wish I had the strength to die. I am so tired of the pain, the constant starting over, the constant failure.
I hurt pretty bad right now.
I am afraid to go to sleep. I have been having panic attacks in my sleep. As far as panic attacks go they aren't too bad. I have had worse. I will take my phone to bed with me just in case. Some nights it has only been 2 or 3 but some nights have been 6 or more.
Too much shit running around my brain right now. I don't want to take the xanax unless I need it. I want to learn how to not have the panic attacks or how to soothe myself without drugs.
Gonna sleep now.
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