how to reprogram your
yup, how to reprogram your inner drill sergeant.
hmmmmmm. easier said than done.
when life or illness renders me unable i can't. i cannot think so it doesn't bother me. i'm down to the essentials, water, food......bathroom privileges. getting my legs to carry me to the necessary destinations and hopefully return to soft seating or bedding.
then there are other days. the frittery ones, the ones where you should be pacing yourself more. slowing down. taking y o u r t i m e. think hospital zone to assist you to truly reduce speed, brake if necessary, sit down and rethink your day.
living is sorta like kenny roger's song "the gambler",
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,Know when to walk away and know when to run.You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.
we need to have goals, make plans, aspire, dream and hope.
sometimes honeydos are my undoing. they get in the way of pacing, resting, a best plan for the day.
i got up late this morning, .........and then I:
went upstairs and got "Flybreaker" to hang over the fireplace
(Sam painted it when he was 4 or 5......and I had it framed years ago, sleek modern maple frame.)
I talked myself out of going upSTAIRS and getting it for days. But my decorating self wanted that picture and did not want to wait anymore. It looks great by the way.....shamedfaced giggle)
I went up one slow cautious step at a time and came back down sideways, stairs and I do not play well together.)
This also meant taking down the existing picture, cleaning the one going up and moving stuff around to accommodate. Lots of mad spoon spending going on. Seems like you could cheat and use paper spoons sort of like writing checks against an overdrawn account right?????? but no, once your spoons, like money is gone, it is gone until the next rainbow.
so then i:
picked up cat dishes, swept cat feeding and cat litter areas.
washed the top of the trash container lid.
emptied the dishwasher
filled the dishwasher
windexed the stovetop
washed the microwave glass plate
replenished food and water for Annie & Rio
fluffed pillows on couch
swiffered furniture in living room
86'd old bed pillows
put cases on new bed pillows
put removed picture back in storage
put hanging clothes in closets (pants in one/everything else in the other)
slowly punted one still full laundry basket into the bigger closet, resisted the urge to empty it, but it is sooooo bugging me, knock off the anal tendencies, seriously, KNOCK IT OFF.
de-cat-haired the kitchen chair cushions
pulled random dead leaves off houseplants, plants need water........do that later.
pick up stuff Rio knocked over........rio is a scamp, shoot he knocked off a door stop, he is hiding.
wipe off counters, wash the sinks.......lots more teensy tiny almost unconscious little chores going on.
i have not vacuumed or mopped or really cleaned since ??????? i do not remember, but based on the dust factor, it's been awhile........yes more than a month, maybe two? i do basics.....keep things tidy on the surface and try to keep my gratitude in place that i can do what i can do. inside i am fighting with my "paperwork deadlines" for insurance and the filing in box is spilling over.......shut this down for now. for today. regroup, shhhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. slow down, you move too fast, gotta make the morning last.......sigh, hello.
my inner drill sgt struggles. i know what to do, but i struggle with the "reprogramming feature".
In other news........yesterday i saw my rheumy and she asked me if i was doing any consulting work and then she said...... if not why not? what???????????????????????? it is not the first time she has asked me about this........i don't have the ability physically or mentally to sustain projects and somehow when she says this stuff to me i feel GUILT, PreSSure, huRt.
she asked me if i could do certain tasks. i said yes, i can do one or two of lots of things......but i cannot sustain anything for long. yesterday i was feeling pretty chipper in her office.......a temporary reprieve......a nice thing to be sure, but by evening i was shivering, so cold, achy and miserable, shuffling into the living room and piling on every blankie i could........i was in so much trouble.
is it that my rheumy HOPES better for me or does SHE NOT TRULY understand what these conditions do to a patient?.....i've been her patient for .....well since 1998. she also said she couldn't believe she finally convinced me to stop working........she said she thought i would be back to renegotiate......if i hadn't died first..................sadly it is so true. i was plotting and planning on how to keep my hand in at work, continue working..............but here is the reality........my stubborn ways were going to put me six feet under. this is not being dramatic, or playing the diva, i was headed for forest lawn. my rheumy will be happy to tell you what a bad place i was in. she is happy enough to tell me still. mercy.
i was so ill with added medical complications that were life threatening, AND nobody was gonna tell me, to me it meant GIVING UP. there is a huge difference between changing your life so it works and letting go of the life you had ---- the one that no longer works for you. a huge difference between tweaking and tuning and regrouping, finessing and finding what can work, what can provide success (for me it is about peace and joy) within your life.
something was pulling me back from the edge of the cliff.........i believe now that God had been nudging me, trying to get my attention for a good while, but i kept pushing on in my way. finally i just sort of knew, it was time.......to care enough about myself to stop working.
the problem for me was not knowing how to life another way, that took time.........
i don't define success the same way anymore.......now i put God first, let him guide me and lead my days. but then, on that first day when she ordered me home and in the days that followed i felt that it was the death of me. i crawled home and curled up into the fetal position for weeks, then months......too ill physically and mentally to deal with anything. the illness is powerful, but if the illness, if that life lays claim to your spirit.......then you are in serious serious trouble. we all need to grieve, amend, adapt and adjust.......to me it felt like after all those long years of struggle i had lost EVERYTHING. i didn't know that i was stronger........i did not know that faith could and would restore my spirit, renew my hope and help vanquish the harsh grip of depression. it was life changing.
sorry i think i've overtalked, starting to sound goofy.........just hope that you will keep your life simple, break it down and stop beating yourself up, stop judging yourself, stop thinking about the actions and motives of others.........clean out the closet of thinking that hurts you and keeps you upside down and inside out...let stuff go and start with a clean fresh slate. it can't hurt......God had been nudging the angry frustrated ticked off pushy stubborn stuffing out of me and helped me reclaim my inner SPARROW........he did that for me, sometimes i just can't get over how much he loves..........each and every sparrow.
peace and joy to you this day,
ruth
hmmmmmm. easier said than done.
when life or illness renders me unable i can't. i cannot think so it doesn't bother me. i'm down to the essentials, water, food......bathroom privileges. getting my legs to carry me to the necessary destinations and hopefully return to soft seating or bedding.
then there are other days. the frittery ones, the ones where you should be pacing yourself more. slowing down. taking y o u r t i m e. think hospital zone to assist you to truly reduce speed, brake if necessary, sit down and rethink your day.
living is sorta like kenny roger's song "the gambler",
You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,Know when to walk away and know when to run.You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.
we need to have goals, make plans, aspire, dream and hope.
sometimes honeydos are my undoing. they get in the way of pacing, resting, a best plan for the day.
i got up late this morning, .........and then I:
went upstairs and got "Flybreaker" to hang over the fireplace
(Sam painted it when he was 4 or 5......and I had it framed years ago, sleek modern maple frame.)
I talked myself out of going upSTAIRS and getting it for days. But my decorating self wanted that picture and did not want to wait anymore. It looks great by the way.....shamedfaced giggle)
I went up one slow cautious step at a time and came back down sideways, stairs and I do not play well together.)
This also meant taking down the existing picture, cleaning the one going up and moving stuff around to accommodate. Lots of mad spoon spending going on. Seems like you could cheat and use paper spoons sort of like writing checks against an overdrawn account right?????? but no, once your spoons, like money is gone, it is gone until the next rainbow.
so then i:
picked up cat dishes, swept cat feeding and cat litter areas.
washed the top of the trash container lid.
emptied the dishwasher
filled the dishwasher
windexed the stovetop
washed the microwave glass plate
replenished food and water for Annie & Rio
fluffed pillows on couch
swiffered furniture in living room
86'd old bed pillows
put cases on new bed pillows
put removed picture back in storage
put hanging clothes in closets (pants in one/everything else in the other)
slowly punted one still full laundry basket into the bigger closet, resisted the urge to empty it, but it is sooooo bugging me, knock off the anal tendencies, seriously, KNOCK IT OFF.
de-cat-haired the kitchen chair cushions
pulled random dead leaves off houseplants, plants need water........do that later.
pick up stuff Rio knocked over........rio is a scamp, shoot he knocked off a door stop, he is hiding.
wipe off counters, wash the sinks.......lots more teensy tiny almost unconscious little chores going on.
i have not vacuumed or mopped or really cleaned since ??????? i do not remember, but based on the dust factor, it's been awhile........yes more than a month, maybe two? i do basics.....keep things tidy on the surface and try to keep my gratitude in place that i can do what i can do. inside i am fighting with my "paperwork deadlines" for insurance and the filing in box is spilling over.......shut this down for now. for today. regroup, shhhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. slow down, you move too fast, gotta make the morning last.......sigh, hello.
my inner drill sgt struggles. i know what to do, but i struggle with the "reprogramming feature".
In other news........yesterday i saw my rheumy and she asked me if i was doing any consulting work and then she said...... if not why not? what???????????????????????? it is not the first time she has asked me about this........i don't have the ability physically or mentally to sustain projects and somehow when she says this stuff to me i feel GUILT, PreSSure, huRt.
she asked me if i could do certain tasks. i said yes, i can do one or two of lots of things......but i cannot sustain anything for long. yesterday i was feeling pretty chipper in her office.......a temporary reprieve......a nice thing to be sure, but by evening i was shivering, so cold, achy and miserable, shuffling into the living room and piling on every blankie i could........i was in so much trouble.
is it that my rheumy HOPES better for me or does SHE NOT TRULY understand what these conditions do to a patient?.....i've been her patient for .....well since 1998. she also said she couldn't believe she finally convinced me to stop working........she said she thought i would be back to renegotiate......if i hadn't died first..................sadly it is so true. i was plotting and planning on how to keep my hand in at work, continue working..............but here is the reality........my stubborn ways were going to put me six feet under. this is not being dramatic, or playing the diva, i was headed for forest lawn. my rheumy will be happy to tell you what a bad place i was in. she is happy enough to tell me still. mercy.
i was so ill with added medical complications that were life threatening, AND nobody was gonna tell me, to me it meant GIVING UP. there is a huge difference between changing your life so it works and letting go of the life you had ---- the one that no longer works for you. a huge difference between tweaking and tuning and regrouping, finessing and finding what can work, what can provide success (for me it is about peace and joy) within your life.
something was pulling me back from the edge of the cliff.........i believe now that God had been nudging me, trying to get my attention for a good while, but i kept pushing on in my way. finally i just sort of knew, it was time.......to care enough about myself to stop working.
the problem for me was not knowing how to life another way, that took time.........
i don't define success the same way anymore.......now i put God first, let him guide me and lead my days. but then, on that first day when she ordered me home and in the days that followed i felt that it was the death of me. i crawled home and curled up into the fetal position for weeks, then months......too ill physically and mentally to deal with anything. the illness is powerful, but if the illness, if that life lays claim to your spirit.......then you are in serious serious trouble. we all need to grieve, amend, adapt and adjust.......to me it felt like after all those long years of struggle i had lost EVERYTHING. i didn't know that i was stronger........i did not know that faith could and would restore my spirit, renew my hope and help vanquish the harsh grip of depression. it was life changing.
sorry i think i've overtalked, starting to sound goofy.........just hope that you will keep your life simple, break it down and stop beating yourself up, stop judging yourself, stop thinking about the actions and motives of others.........clean out the closet of thinking that hurts you and keeps you upside down and inside out...let stuff go and start with a clean fresh slate. it can't hurt......God had been nudging the angry frustrated ticked off pushy stubborn stuffing out of me and helped me reclaim my inner SPARROW........he did that for me, sometimes i just can't get over how much he loves..........each and every sparrow.
peace and joy to you this day,
ruth
Replies
I read this. I hear ya. I have one of those Sargeants too! I did about as much work in the last few days as the stuff you listed up there. Are we NUTZ?? Hard to draw the line.
I think God wants us to sit. He really does. Otherwise we\'d be walkin, talking, rootin, tootin, crazy women! We need to listen, just be quiet and listen. I believe He is creating new things in us that are for His purposes. We don\'t dare go against that, eh??
We\'re here Lord, you works in progress. And we\'re lovin each other, just like You said to do. No problem......