how to deal with right now
i had an awesome evening service, vespers, and then did my chores and
came back to my room. that's not all of it - but I am not so focused on details.
I came back to my room and sat in the big cozy chair in the corner and turned
on PBS on my laptop. The show was the AARP awards. LOL
but seriously I just was tired and I didn't really know what to do with myself.
I had processed the day to the point of being so comfortable that any kind of thought
yielded a leap of faith with so much painstaking anxiety. I just thought once again
that I just have to focus on what I need to do, as in for example, it's time to take my meds.
When I try to think about what to do with myself or just what to do - it's like my mind is
just a big bulb of wadding. So I thought to give myself some kind of frame work - like
what is 'self responsible.?' I wish I could think without huge anxiety - but that seems to be
the case. When I objectify myself to try and imagine what to do with myself - anxiety
and no answers much of the time do not come and so I must resort to the demand of
the regimentation of a life and the life I am living as a framework for conceiving of what to do.
Maybe a hike is in order? It's still kind of cold out here - but I'd love to take some photos of nature.
The nature here isn't so naturally wild anymore - it's all cultivated farmland with livestock.
Some groves and small forests with ash trees and pines. For the most part it's all man made.
Counterintuitive is the fact that in California, the proximity to wild landscapes is so close.
It's just a very bushland type of nature. Have a good night you guys!
Replies
this place is so much becoming my world that conceiving of
things to do 'out there' is not part of my outlook.
I am getting more comfortable with producing my end
of the work here - and becoming good at liturgy
You sound inspired and that gets me excited as well! Here is a suggestion. Go outside and hug a tree! Seriously! Be mindful of how you are feeling before you hug a tree and see how much better you feel afterwards! You will be surprised!
God Bless
Thanks Bob!
i'm not all the way sure why this farted into my broken brain, but. . .
hyper-vigilance is one of my most therapy resistant symptoms. anxiety and paranoia personified and amplified. . . my hyper-active metabolism doesn't help, but my hyper-vigilance is intense, even for my level of hyper-activity. i'm tempted to put that in the past tense, but, ya know, ya know. . . i doesn't want to jinx it.
the most effective therapy tool i've found for my hyper-vigilance is that radical acceptance and mindfulness i keep harping on. in the radical acceptance, i validate and allow myself to feel my anxiety, rational or not. with mindfulness, i simply factor it into my current moment.
empathy on the weirds of fitting into your niche so well that you are losing interest in the outside world. i can't remember the last time i actually WANTED to leave the farm. everything i want is right here, thank you kindly. i say that with the accompanying angst of, "am i just making excuses to isolate?" i have a strong herstory of isolating. my favorite part of anxiety is that there is always something to anguish over. it keeps me busy.