how should I live?

I've heard this question asked by others put towards people

with a great sense of spirituality - like Eckhart Tolle, like rabbis and priests and imams and strong charismatic people

as well and so forth -

I know that's a crazy question for me to ask - but add it to the heap of questions I put out here.

I probably in so many ways, I ask that of my therapist.

I don't always heed the advice but I do have fantasies or delusions that

some answer is out there for what I seek. Like my therapist can 

help correct my thinking just so then I can manifest my personal dreams, aspirations

and at some point a kind of apotheosis of creations by me.

I realize we're all just living and filling our lives along the way.

Keeping life going - taking care of life. It can take the form

of having a philosophy that somehow organizes something that we live by.

There's all kinds of ways of life out there.... In California especially it seems

to be the laboratory for experimentation with lifestyles. 

Here on the East Coast there seems to be a more decided way of life.

Conservative and not so much room to color outside the lines - it's just

the culture..

I think very much I am just bored and can't wait to get to work at the new market.

Things are good here - just when I am not at work I tend to go for sybaritic

indulgences and not cognitively for expansive or risky things that could bring on anxiety.

Nothing wrong with that and perhaps what I am aiming for is a greater sense

of affirmation about the work that I'm doing or sense of it? I think I'm the pudding

in the proof (as Lizzo sings) that I am looking for some kind of philosophical

answer and I don't think i am alone in that.

I don't seek to be a bridegroom or a father though I am a father to Blue and

I am a kind of bridegroom to a monastery of nuns (Mr. Sister.)

At one time in life I imagined living in a massive old Victorian house

with like 10 screaming kids running around in it.

That never came to fruition. 

:/

So now I'm at a monastery and living this life. It's all good.

I don't know why I want definition - only to have it disrupted at times...

but growth and learning ...ever more.. is life! Sheez am I really

thinking there's a perfect life out there again??!!?! Wake up Mark!!

I just get bored and then it's real important for me (so I don't go into Neverneverland)

to keep a foothold on planet earth.