How Pathetic Am I?
If any are reading this they might start thinking that I am becoming whiny and pathetic. I would agree. I feel like I am whining too much and am pretty pathetic. There are many more people worse off than me.
I'd like to find employment that would allow me enough to live on and the ability to still do what I now must do to help my family. I would need time off to take my parents to doctor appointments and to help my sister with things once in a while. I'd need a sympathetic employer that would let me take off a few hours in the middle of the day once in a while to do this. I don't need to make a lot of money, either. I can live comfortably on $250 a week and can scratch by on $200.
Unless my parents pass on within a couple years, I no longer can plan on any inheritance and so must find employment but when I get too old to work or too sick, I won't be able to afford to support myself any longer and have no idea what will become of me. I had never thought about this until I saw the Living assistance home where my mother was having rehab after her hospital stay. Then I realized that I had nothing, no one to take care of me once I get old and can't take care of myself. This made me cry. This was the beginning of when my recent panic attacks started.
Now I am stuck between all that is happening, not knowing if or when I will find work to pay for myself and having to take care of my parent's financial affairs, worrying about my sister, her health problems and her living alone and what my brother might do and how it will effect all of us.
Now I add to this the guilt of being held responsible when something goes wrong. If my sister has an accident or something happens while she is alone, I will be blamed for not being there with her. Her councilors and social workers determined she can live alone, is capable of caring for herself enough to stay alone at night but should something happen it is me that will be blamed for not staying with her even if they said this. But I am so tired of being there and not having any time to myself. I know it is selfish, that I should care more but I do think she is as safe as anyone else is alone and needs no special care or watching at night. But guilt has been added to my stress.
I feel sick most of the time now. My digestive system seems to betray me or is twisted all sideways by the anxiety. I have heartburn which I had never had before. I get headaches all the time now. My sleep is restless. I don't eat regularly. I've lost weight (which isn't that bad a thing since I'm a little over weight but it is due to health reasons not good nutrition and exercise). And I have anxiety, loss of emotional control and panic attacks.
I only want to be left alone without other peoples worries and troubles causing me these problems but I am caught i the middle of it all having them and don't see a way out beyond my parents passing soon and letting us all settle into our new life without them.
Whining done.
The one good thing, though tainted with the finance troubles and so has some worry for how long it can be maintained, is that my father seems to be doing well in his living assisted memory care unit at the home. He is still not understanding that he is living there and can't go home but is getting to where he understands that he lives there now and is doing better than I have seen him in a long time. He talks to others, does activities, smiles and is not always seeming confused when there. It is only when we visit that he seems taken back into the lost life and memories and starts asking being there. I think the move for him is the best thing to happen for him and have very little worry about him now.
I'd like to find employment that would allow me enough to live on and the ability to still do what I now must do to help my family. I would need time off to take my parents to doctor appointments and to help my sister with things once in a while. I'd need a sympathetic employer that would let me take off a few hours in the middle of the day once in a while to do this. I don't need to make a lot of money, either. I can live comfortably on $250 a week and can scratch by on $200.
Unless my parents pass on within a couple years, I no longer can plan on any inheritance and so must find employment but when I get too old to work or too sick, I won't be able to afford to support myself any longer and have no idea what will become of me. I had never thought about this until I saw the Living assistance home where my mother was having rehab after her hospital stay. Then I realized that I had nothing, no one to take care of me once I get old and can't take care of myself. This made me cry. This was the beginning of when my recent panic attacks started.
Now I am stuck between all that is happening, not knowing if or when I will find work to pay for myself and having to take care of my parent's financial affairs, worrying about my sister, her health problems and her living alone and what my brother might do and how it will effect all of us.
Now I add to this the guilt of being held responsible when something goes wrong. If my sister has an accident or something happens while she is alone, I will be blamed for not being there with her. Her councilors and social workers determined she can live alone, is capable of caring for herself enough to stay alone at night but should something happen it is me that will be blamed for not staying with her even if they said this. But I am so tired of being there and not having any time to myself. I know it is selfish, that I should care more but I do think she is as safe as anyone else is alone and needs no special care or watching at night. But guilt has been added to my stress.
I feel sick most of the time now. My digestive system seems to betray me or is twisted all sideways by the anxiety. I have heartburn which I had never had before. I get headaches all the time now. My sleep is restless. I don't eat regularly. I've lost weight (which isn't that bad a thing since I'm a little over weight but it is due to health reasons not good nutrition and exercise). And I have anxiety, loss of emotional control and panic attacks.
I only want to be left alone without other peoples worries and troubles causing me these problems but I am caught i the middle of it all having them and don't see a way out beyond my parents passing soon and letting us all settle into our new life without them.
Whining done.
The one good thing, though tainted with the finance troubles and so has some worry for how long it can be maintained, is that my father seems to be doing well in his living assisted memory care unit at the home. He is still not understanding that he is living there and can't go home but is getting to where he understands that he lives there now and is doing better than I have seen him in a long time. He talks to others, does activities, smiles and is not always seeming confused when there. It is only when we visit that he seems taken back into the lost life and memories and starts asking being there. I think the move for him is the best thing to happen for him and have very little worry about him now.
Replies
I don\'t think you are whining, or pathetic-there will always be people worse or better than you, but this is your life, it affects you, so it is what it is to you-bad or good. I hope that you can find employment. That is indeed a worry of mine too-that I will not be ale to work to support myself and provide for my future, Social security can provide a decent enough life but ones need to work to get it later in life. I am working part time but need to work more hours, it does make me anxious about it, so I can understand why you have anxiety about it. Dont lose too much weight! I did, ended up very anxious, was not thinking clear, and was having chronic stomach pain. I was a mess, really was in a bad way. I am glad your father is doing well.
I guess all you can do is to try to find a way of dealing with- coping with your concerns with your family in a way or ways that does not overwhelm you, easier said than done, I know. And that guilt, all you can do is all you can do. If your sister can stay alone and you cannot be around her 24/7 then that is what you are able to do. GEE some of what I write here is stuff I need to be working on or trying too. I feel guilt about my daughters health conditions, worry about supporting myself, have anxiety-guilt. Sometimes I just go lay down on my bed and listen to music, just block out everything for awhile until I can deal with it or think about it. But I cannot do that all the time, work, try to get things done, or figured out.
Hope you can get a job, can find time for yourself, can feel better, can be able to figure this out without getting too anxious
Thanks for the support and sympathy.
My sister went to her neurologist and the doctor now says that she shouldn\'t be left alone. They say they are going to look into finding people to stay with her but are not sure how long it will take. So I am back to having to stay with her again.
It seems every time there seems to be some respite form the situation something else happens and pulls me back into more responsibility and less time for myself. I can only hope they can find a person to stay with her soon. I was only barely getting back into actually being able to do something and not feel guilty about doing it or finding some enjoyment in it.
I played a computer game for a few hours for the first time in over a month. I used to lose myself in the game and forget about my troubles and stress but have not been able to relax enough or feel right about doing it for so long.
I feel so trapped and lost and unable to do anything about it to get free or find myself.