How much more can I take ?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm not a saint. I never claimed to be one. 

Even if I was a saint, by now I'd be losing my mind from the " living hell " he's been putting me through for the last few months ! 

I try to be a patient, understanding, and compassionate person, but I'm still only human.  

I have my limits. I have boundaries. 

He's been stepping over more, or less, every single limit, and boundary that I've ever had lately ! ... and then some ! 

How much more of this hellish nightmare ... hellish rollercoaster ride... can I take ?!?!?! 

I've loved him for years, but even love can be shattered.... 

especially with persistent hate /  rage / and constant cruel emotional and physical attacks whenever I least expect them ! 

No matter how much " love " there was in the beginning, 

after awhile ... after it's been clawed and ripped at viciously, it will start to break down.... 

and eventually break apart... shattering for good ! 

But.... considering the " LIVING HELL " that he's been putting me through for months, maybe that would not be such a bad thing ! 

The ONLY thing that truly concerns me is ... " How will I manage financially ?  How will I manage as far as paying my monthly bills / expenses ? " 

With his 2nd income... paying the monthly bills is " possible " - ( even with his constant splurging on HIMSELF every time he sees something that he just MUST HAVE ! ).... 

BUT.... when the day comes that he leaves... I don't know how I'll be able to pay my monthly bills / expenses.

For one thing... I won't be able to AFFORD Cable TV ! ... Definitely NOT ! 

Internet ????.... I'm not completely sure IF I could find a way to afford it, or not.... this depends if having a basic cell phone service with a mobile hotspot capability would give Me internet access, or not ??! ... 

Home phone ?.... I most likely won't be able to AFFORD it ! ... I'd have to depend on my basic flip cell phone with the FREE Minutes ! 

Keeping the Monthly Electric Bill down as LOW as Possible would be VITAL !.... 

I could do things to help make that happen.... and PRAY For a Summer that's NOT TOO HOT !... PLEASE GOD ! 

So..... Over all... managing financially would be a headache and a half... BUT... I suppose I would find a Way ! 

I would have to ! 

My ONLY Other choice would be to allow myself to be PUT into a nursing home / rehab place.... as a Long Term Resident ! 

I do NOT want that to happen. 

I'm WAY too young for that !