How much lower can I go?
I just came home from seeing my psychiatrist. It was a good appointment I suppose. We talked about some of the issues that I am having with friends and their lack of understanding what bipolar disorder truly is. Rachael uses me for thing like rides and I am sure company, but when I call or text her and I need someone to talk to she is never there for me. I don't like to do thinks for others who feel no compassion towards me. My best friend is my mom, I know that she is always there and that she's always got my back. Last night she comforted me a few different times and today she is clipping magazine articles with intuitive messages for me. Today I also saw my chiropractor, who tried to sell my a little over $400 worth of four weeks of therapy. I actually think that it's a good idea but I have higher medical priorities than chiropractic medicine. I think that is obvious.
I cut myself last night. I forgot about it this morning until i got into the shower and they burned. The feeling of cutting is something that I can't explain. I can see something real coming out of me, as if to say that I am a substance and I want to prove that to myself. But, I dislike cutting because it leaves scaring that can't easily be removed. I talked to my psychiatrist about Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). I felt as though that sparked her interest as I was just wanting the step by step of ECT she wanted to get the medical records and meetings set up. I want to reserve ECT as a very very last resort. This would be reserved for horrible depression and suicidal attempts. I don't want to do it at this time, I am not even sure what the finances would look like to implement and ECT treatment.
I am so depressed, but Ia trying to be positive and work through it. I am perfectly sad and lonely. Rachael's boyfriend is moving out, but she has already made plans with Sam and that means she talked to him prior to me and I thought Rachael and I had the closer relationship rather than from her to Sam. I also thought that Sam was moving away for a new job. I don't know anything anymore. My psychiatrist also suggested that I drop a couple of my classes. I am taking 5 classes or 15 credit hours... pumping it out for graduation, but she believes I would be best with maybe three classes. something more manageable. I agree with her and will take some things off today since the deadlines are moving closer and closer.
I am so tired, I don't know what this depression is doing to me. I need to work on myself and get back on my track. I also need to focus on the good and trustworthy friends I have and not the users and others who can't/won't help me as their friend. I put Rachael in touch with this site. I hope she does not find me on here because that would be catastrophic. I better go, my laundry is ready.
I cut myself last night. I forgot about it this morning until i got into the shower and they burned. The feeling of cutting is something that I can't explain. I can see something real coming out of me, as if to say that I am a substance and I want to prove that to myself. But, I dislike cutting because it leaves scaring that can't easily be removed. I talked to my psychiatrist about Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). I felt as though that sparked her interest as I was just wanting the step by step of ECT she wanted to get the medical records and meetings set up. I want to reserve ECT as a very very last resort. This would be reserved for horrible depression and suicidal attempts. I don't want to do it at this time, I am not even sure what the finances would look like to implement and ECT treatment.
I am so depressed, but Ia trying to be positive and work through it. I am perfectly sad and lonely. Rachael's boyfriend is moving out, but she has already made plans with Sam and that means she talked to him prior to me and I thought Rachael and I had the closer relationship rather than from her to Sam. I also thought that Sam was moving away for a new job. I don't know anything anymore. My psychiatrist also suggested that I drop a couple of my classes. I am taking 5 classes or 15 credit hours... pumping it out for graduation, but she believes I would be best with maybe three classes. something more manageable. I agree with her and will take some things off today since the deadlines are moving closer and closer.
I am so tired, I don't know what this depression is doing to me. I need to work on myself and get back on my track. I also need to focus on the good and trustworthy friends I have and not the users and others who can't/won't help me as their friend. I put Rachael in touch with this site. I hope she does not find me on here because that would be catastrophic. I better go, my laundry is ready.
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