How much?
My son's court date was yesterday. I did not go, instead I spent the day curled around my pillow and bawling out loud from the bottom of my belly. So much pain, how can one heart process so much pain?
The child welfare authorities called me before court and told me he would not be coming home, not EVER. Whatever he told them convinced them that there is nothing I could do that would make me a fit parent, so he is never returning home (or at least till he turns 18). They also say I am to have no contact with him of any kind.
I truly do not understand. They have been blocking me, ignoring my requests to come in and talk to them. They are basing their decisions solely on what he tells them.
Drug addicts get a chance to parent their children, prostitutes, ex-cons, people with all types of different challenges come to the system and the system works with them so the child can go home.
And I keep wondering, what could I have done to my child that would be so grievous that he would choose to be placed in a children's home over staying in mine?
I had an extremely abusive childhood and wanted out many times, but I loved my dad so much given a choice I would have stayed.
My child and I have been inseparable since he was born. I took him to school with me in his car seat, he was at work with me till the wee hours of the morning, I had him on the podium with me as I taught. When I run into a former coworker the first thing they ask is "how is Max?", same in our community.
Anyone who knows me know him because he is such an integral part of my life and I rarely do anything without him. And we were so loving. Everyday, "I love you" flowed freely in my household, hugs, encouragement, communication were our foundations.
WTF?!?!
Two months ago I was broadsided when the court took him from me. Now I'm just devastated because its not the court anymore, it's him. It's what he is saying and its what he is deciding. He did not share his birthday with me, he did not acknowledge me for mother's day. It's him, he does not want me in his life.
Yesterday was a horrible, horrible day. Blessedly two of my sisters traveled for hours to be in court and then they visited with me afterward. I will always bless them for that. I don't know that I would have survived the day without them.
Then when I think it cannot possibly get worse my father decides to step in. The same father around whom all my issues are focused, sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, neglect .... this is the person stepping forward to parent my child. And there is a strong chance the court will award custody to him, because he is wealthy and well known.
I had a very brief conversation with him and felt like I had drunk cyanide. Toxic. I can still feel the poison coursing through my system.
This validates what he has told me my entire life .. I am unlovable, I am worthless, I am a screw-up, I am good for nothing, I am a liability... All proven, because I failed in the most important job I'll ever have.
Every time I think I've hit my lowest point, the bottom gives out and I sink even lower. How much punishment can I take?
How do I survive this? Day after day, counting down the endless hours, just trying to make it through the pain.
The child welfare authorities called me before court and told me he would not be coming home, not EVER. Whatever he told them convinced them that there is nothing I could do that would make me a fit parent, so he is never returning home (or at least till he turns 18). They also say I am to have no contact with him of any kind.
I truly do not understand. They have been blocking me, ignoring my requests to come in and talk to them. They are basing their decisions solely on what he tells them.
Drug addicts get a chance to parent their children, prostitutes, ex-cons, people with all types of different challenges come to the system and the system works with them so the child can go home.
And I keep wondering, what could I have done to my child that would be so grievous that he would choose to be placed in a children's home over staying in mine?
I had an extremely abusive childhood and wanted out many times, but I loved my dad so much given a choice I would have stayed.
My child and I have been inseparable since he was born. I took him to school with me in his car seat, he was at work with me till the wee hours of the morning, I had him on the podium with me as I taught. When I run into a former coworker the first thing they ask is "how is Max?", same in our community.
Anyone who knows me know him because he is such an integral part of my life and I rarely do anything without him. And we were so loving. Everyday, "I love you" flowed freely in my household, hugs, encouragement, communication were our foundations.
WTF?!?!
Two months ago I was broadsided when the court took him from me. Now I'm just devastated because its not the court anymore, it's him. It's what he is saying and its what he is deciding. He did not share his birthday with me, he did not acknowledge me for mother's day. It's him, he does not want me in his life.
Yesterday was a horrible, horrible day. Blessedly two of my sisters traveled for hours to be in court and then they visited with me afterward. I will always bless them for that. I don't know that I would have survived the day without them.
Then when I think it cannot possibly get worse my father decides to step in. The same father around whom all my issues are focused, sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, neglect .... this is the person stepping forward to parent my child. And there is a strong chance the court will award custody to him, because he is wealthy and well known.
I had a very brief conversation with him and felt like I had drunk cyanide. Toxic. I can still feel the poison coursing through my system.
This validates what he has told me my entire life .. I am unlovable, I am worthless, I am a screw-up, I am good for nothing, I am a liability... All proven, because I failed in the most important job I'll ever have.
Every time I think I've hit my lowest point, the bottom gives out and I sink even lower. How much punishment can I take?
How do I survive this? Day after day, counting down the endless hours, just trying to make it through the pain.
Replies
I don\'t even know what to say. What a terrible story! It\'s like a bad soap opera, but all too true. I had a friend whose daughter took her father\'s side after the divorce and her father was a very bad person. It took her a while, but she finally figured it out. I do pray your son will understand who really loves him and return to you. I don\'t believe that you have failed as a parent at all. Parenting is kind of like the stock market. It\'s up and down a lot, but the long-term picture is more meaningful than the short-term. May the grace and peace of God be with you. Much love, my dear friend.
I\'m feeling so much for your pain my friend. You\'re carry a heavy load indeed. I have had personal experience with a 14yr old lying and causing trouble. My husband had two daughters when I met him and we ended up taking one of them in at the age of 7 yrs.Her name is Nicole and she lived with us until she was 14 yrs old when she decided to return to her mother. She made up some terrible lies and painted a total false picture of me.I guess she was trying to attract her mother\'s attention and love in some sick kind of way. Her mother never wanted her actually.That was the truth of it all.I loved her dearly and treated her like my own daughter.So when her mother phoned me with all these shocking stories of abuse and negligence , I was devastated.I couldn\'t believe my ears and at first had no idea why Nicole would do such a thing.She returned to live with us a few mths later and then fabricated some shocking stories of abuse from her mother and partner.It was all lies and eventually each side realized what she was doing. She was a very mixed up young girl.To this day she is close to me and keeps in regular contact. She now has 3 children of her own. So I don\'t doubt that your son is painting a gruesome picture of you simply because he wants things that he feels he can\'t have with you.
As much as this is tearing you apart, you have to get through it.His age is very touchy and the possibility of his attitude changing with maturity is highly likely. You have been his mother for 14 yrs.Protected him , loved him and done your best. His father has played no part what so ever.Please take pride in yourself for always being there for your son.You are the one who managed to raise him safely for 14 years, all by yourself, a single mother.No one else did that .You did it. Take a moment to remember that.Take credit for that.
Now...remember that he is no longer a young child, but infact a young man. I believe you have every right to defend yourself and question the court\'s decision in whatever way possible.However, it is obvious that he has made up his mind that he wants a different life right now and he is fighting unfairly to achieve it. So let him have it.You can\'t fight against the impossible.My husband ran away from home at the age of 14 due to his abusive stepfather.At one stage he was hungry and slept in telephone boxes.So sad.So I want you to focus on the positive right now my friend. I know you are feeling hurt and rejected and suffering with painful separation from him.Completely understandable for any mother. However.....he is safe and being cared for. Feel some relief in that fact.
Most of all focus on happy memories and the love you shared.He knows so very well that those special times were there also.He is not going to forget and as he matures , he will view the difficult times differently. Most importantly do not focus on your mistakes.You are not perfect and there is not a parent amongst us who doesn\'t have regrets for mistakes made.Please love yourself my friend and remember that you did your best . Everyone\'s journey is their own.
I\'m so happy that your sisters care and they made it to the court.Feel that sisterly love right now.Let it warm your sad heart.
As for your father.He never gets to escape his sins.Be sure about that one.He is not in control.God is.So you just leave it all in his hands.You were a victim during your childhood . Don\'t see it any other way.It was not your fault in any way. Not ever.Not ever.
I know you are really suffering right now and can\'t see your way through in all of this darkness.So many hardships crashing down on you all at once.Try to accept and release and know that things always change. Breathe in deeply and let it go because you matter.You deserve to survive.You are worthy of love and happiness.I am here for you and care.I need you too.Much love. xoxo
Breathe dearest Sister and release the lies and the hurt. My son is 45 and I raised him alone without any help from his father. He just text me words I wouldn\'t use on a stranger, yet alone my mother. Yes it hurt for a bit, but I am not responsible for his unhappiness, for he is a man now.
Your son is going through puberty and who knows what it running through his confused body and mind right now. However Please don\'t ever feel less than the beautiful soul you are presently. This may seem personal, however it\'s not. You can get through this hurtful experience with living support of your sisters and your DS sisters here dear. We Love you dearly and already know you well in the short time we have shared ourselves with you and you with us.
I must stay away from my son whom I love dearly for my own peace and miss my 3 grandsons while staying away. I feel your pain too. We mother\'s love unconditionally and when that love is abused and removed it stuns us. Especially us Single parents.
Every time I think I understand the rules of a game they change them! This is how life can be ... Full of challenges. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. It took me years to learn this. I too had abusive childhood and inscested while my mother blamed me a 7 yr old girl for the inscest!!!!! I truly believe God has given those of us much Grace and Strength to handle the difficulties some of us face.
Be Strong in the Lord and the Strength of His might dear one.
I am sending you warm embraces and my shoulder to cry upon. Please drink much water to replace those tears. Heartfelt prayers from my Heart to God for you presently....
Just know without a doubt you are Not a failure, for my mother raised me the same way. Today I love myself and not even the horrific cruelty from my son can remove my self-love and respect.
You are Love and love yourself just the way you are now.
Gentle Hugs & Love
I am just so shocked that you are going through this. Our children that we would give our lives for chose to live without us in their lives. I can\'t even go there in my head....how you must be feeling right now, Max. I\'m not going to do anything but pray for you right now, and see what I feel led to say to you that may be of some help! xo
You have commented on several of my journals. Your comments have always been very caring. There was no hint of the pain you were in.
Mothers learn to show a strong front. They kill spiders even though it gives them the hee-be-gee-bees or they tell their daughter that - yes it is cool that you have snakes hanging on your arms. But they should go back to their mommy okay? Then mom goes in the bedroom and screams into a very thick pillow.
I have three children. Andrew is 43, Tim is 39, and Nora is 37. At various times, each one has blamed me for all that was bad in their life. But eventually they grew up and took responsibility for their choices.
My husband was a workaholic and gave me no support in raising the kids. We moved all over the country so I was never able to form a support group. We lived far from both families so I had no help there.
My mother was emotionally abusive. I didn\'t know that at the time. All I knew was she was the most important person in the house. After I got married an moved away, she began punishing me. It\'s a long sad messy story but I think that\'s what made me strong.
I had to be strong because there was only me. It prepared me for life with CFS. I\'ve never dealt with what you are going through but I do know what it\'s like to have your children far away. I have one in Washington, D.C., one in St. Thomas in the U.S. Virgin Islands and one in Texas. I miss being part of their everyday lives and I see them too infrequently.
Who knows why your son tells lies about you? He may not even know why? You have to draw strength from knowing that you were a good mother. No a great mother. You love your child and you will continue to love him. A mother loves no matter what. It\'s in our DNA.
You have a lot of very loving people here on DS. Use our love and strength to help you be strong.
Take care my friend.
Hugs, love, and prayers