how long is too long?
I have been experiencing a fairly bleak spell lately. I have a couple of friends, good friends who have been supportive for much of the first year after Eddie passed. One in particular had been quite attentive and called often and was very kind. My other friend was very attentive at first but then only checked in occasionally, which was fine and I always appreciate the gesture.
My closest friend, after 30 years of friendship had written me a letter soon after Eddie's wake to tell me that losing one of her children is her biggest fear and that therefore she cannot be around me because she thought she would upset me and my situation made her too sad. I wrote her back and said that its ok-we do what we can do. I am not angry at her. I am just disappointed.
The first two friends I spoke of in this entry - if they call and ask how I am I say, "ok". I cannot say "I'm well, happy, doing great" etc, etc. I am tired of hearing how uncomfortable I make other people. I do make an att
empt to smile but at 19 months of this nightmare the pain is always just below the surface. I just don't care anymore if my friends well meaning or not understand because they don't! Lucky them - they do not know and I hope and pray they never do. I find it hurtful when people continually say, "isn't it any better?" Isn't what better? Death? My son, my only child, my Eddie is dead! Its not going to be better-ever! Maybe I'll learn to deal. Maybe I'll grow and even heal but I don't even know how or when.
I feel like a bitter old woman. Maybe I am. Thank you for letting me vent. I know that I am blessed to have this safe place to fall. Maybe tomorrow will be gentler.
Love to all of you, Linda
xoxoxoxo
My closest friend, after 30 years of friendship had written me a letter soon after Eddie's wake to tell me that losing one of her children is her biggest fear and that therefore she cannot be around me because she thought she would upset me and my situation made her too sad. I wrote her back and said that its ok-we do what we can do. I am not angry at her. I am just disappointed.
The first two friends I spoke of in this entry - if they call and ask how I am I say, "ok". I cannot say "I'm well, happy, doing great" etc, etc. I am tired of hearing how uncomfortable I make other people. I do make an att
empt to smile but at 19 months of this nightmare the pain is always just below the surface. I just don't care anymore if my friends well meaning or not understand because they don't! Lucky them - they do not know and I hope and pray they never do. I find it hurtful when people continually say, "isn't it any better?" Isn't what better? Death? My son, my only child, my Eddie is dead! Its not going to be better-ever! Maybe I'll learn to deal. Maybe I'll grow and even heal but I don't even know how or when.
I feel like a bitter old woman. Maybe I am. Thank you for letting me vent. I know that I am blessed to have this safe place to fall. Maybe tomorrow will be gentler.
Love to all of you, Linda
xoxoxoxo
Replies
Linda, I know it\'s so very hard these first years on this journey. Please don\'t think it will always be so heartwrenchingly sad. I just felt horrible sadness and pain for the first two years and then it was easing up a tad by the third. I guess the biggest change I\'ve had over the 26 years is hope for the future reality of our reunion. The past has become THEIR past too and not just MY past. Their reality is Heaven and my future reality with them is Heaven! This new mindset came on slowly and gradually and now has hit full bloom. It didn\'t stay miserable for me and I know that it IS possible to be alive in this world after my family has died... and still FEEL alive! Gentle Hugs, Donna
I wish I had time right now to read what all have said to you... Want to say that you have always been so very kind and giving in your reponses to others\' journals and I know everyone feels your pain. Know that you inspire us all...
Love, prayers, and hugs, Sharon
Dearest Linda - those who have not walked this road have no idea what the journey consists of. They have no context for empathy- only sympathy. They do not and cannot understand. Our \"friends\" - don\'t know what to do with us anymore - we\'re not the same - the old familiar person they knew. It scares them that we are so lost in our bottomless world of grief - so avoidance becomes easier than them trying to fake a relationship with us that they don\'t feel anymore. It\'s a strange world in which we find ourselves. I agree that we don\'t ever \"get over it\" - as time goes by - we just learn to live with the knowledge on some level. Peace and Comfort to you today...Suzzanne
Sweet Linda, I think about you and Eddie often and I know it is not easy for you ever. Eddie was your only child and the emptyness has to be so great. You need your friends to help you through. I am your friend. We here understand and we are all your friends. I wish I could be there to hold your hand through this nightmare like you have me so many times. I recently found a very old friend. One that I went to elementary school with and I was very close to before we all grew up and moved away. I emailed her a couple times and she emailed me back. I told her about Nathan and she stopped emailing. She never wrote me back to say even acknowledge his death. I am very sad over that. But, I will let it go, she has her reasons, they are selfish in my book, but it\'s something she has to live with. I\'m so glad you are my friend. Love and hugs to you and your sweet Eddie, Danette
There is no understanding the emotions and feelings of others only the hurt the bestoy on us the one\'s who are already suffereing such immeasurable loss already.It did amaze me those who stepped up and were comforting and those who were visably absent. My husband says I have to forgive our family members but I don\'t think I can// Sandi
Oh the blessings to those who do not walk in our shoes...I know it hurts when people seem to turn away....I think it is fear....I know when my first husband got cancer we lost so many friends and family that did not come around. At first I was disappointed in them, but later realized that they just can\'t handle some things...we in these shoes we walk...we need and thank God we can come here to be heard...we walk your shoes and your walk our...I hope that things get better for you and all of us in learning how to survive this life we have been given....Take care Sandi
I\'m so sorry my darling hurting friend. I\'ve heard just about every stupid thing anyone could possibly say since Kala\'s accident. At first it always made me so mad...now, after 4 years, I try to let it go in one ear and out the other, sometimes I still get mad though!!. There are not enough lifetimes to \"get over\" losing a child. There is, thankfully, hope of enjoying life again even after the most horrible has happened. When does it come? How does it arrive? I have no idea, other than knowing this group of women here have given me the tools needed to not allow myself to give up. So, so, so sad to think that your friend of 30 years was unable to be there for you. I\'m SO lucky to have my Tammy! I love you my sweet friend and am so glad you feel the safety of writing it all out here. Tight, understanding hugs, Teri.