how long is too long?
I have been experiencing a fairly bleak spell lately. I have a couple of friends, good friends who have been supportive for much of the first year after Eddie passed. One in particular had been quite attentive and called often and was very kind. My other friend was very attentive at first but then only checked in occasionally, which was fine and I always appreciate the gesture.
My closest friend, after 30 years of friendship had written me a letter soon after Eddie's wake to tell me that losing one of her children is her biggest fear and that therefore she cannot be around me because she thought she would upset me and my situation made her too sad. I wrote her back and said that its ok-we do what we can do. I am not angry at her. I am just disappointed.
The first two friends I spoke of in this entry - if they call and ask how I am I say, "ok". I cannot say "I'm well, happy, doing great" etc, etc. I am tired of hearing how uncomfortable I make other people. I do make an att
empt to smile but at 19 months of this nightmare the pain is always just below the surface. I just don't care anymore if my friends well meaning or not understand because they don't! Lucky them - they do not know and I hope and pray they never do. I find it hurtful when people continually say, "isn't it any better?" Isn't what better? Death? My son, my only child, my Eddie is dead! Its not going to be better-ever! Maybe I'll learn to deal. Maybe I'll grow and even heal but I don't even know how or when.
I feel like a bitter old woman. Maybe I am. Thank you for letting me vent. I know that I am blessed to have this safe place to fall. Maybe tomorrow will be gentler.
Love to all of you, Linda
xoxoxoxo
My closest friend, after 30 years of friendship had written me a letter soon after Eddie's wake to tell me that losing one of her children is her biggest fear and that therefore she cannot be around me because she thought she would upset me and my situation made her too sad. I wrote her back and said that its ok-we do what we can do. I am not angry at her. I am just disappointed.
The first two friends I spoke of in this entry - if they call and ask how I am I say, "ok". I cannot say "I'm well, happy, doing great" etc, etc. I am tired of hearing how uncomfortable I make other people. I do make an att
empt to smile but at 19 months of this nightmare the pain is always just below the surface. I just don't care anymore if my friends well meaning or not understand because they don't! Lucky them - they do not know and I hope and pray they never do. I find it hurtful when people continually say, "isn't it any better?" Isn't what better? Death? My son, my only child, my Eddie is dead! Its not going to be better-ever! Maybe I'll learn to deal. Maybe I'll grow and even heal but I don't even know how or when.
I feel like a bitter old woman. Maybe I am. Thank you for letting me vent. I know that I am blessed to have this safe place to fall. Maybe tomorrow will be gentler.
Love to all of you, Linda
xoxoxoxo
Replies
aww Linda, this is heartbreaking and am in the same situation my phone never rings since Justine\'s death. I need to talk/cry/vent about her , her Father wont even grieve w/me since (I) divorced him. I\'ll never understand some people (((((((((Linda&Eddie))))))))))~ Janice
Linda,I have the same problems with my so-called friends, but more importantly with my brother and his wife. I got the message loud and clear right after Michael passed that it made them uncomfortable to hear me speak of Michael. And I dare not show any signs of sadness. You would think family would be most understanding, but according to them, Michael is in a better place...blah, blah, blah. If you are bitter, so am I. Losing a child is unimaginable but you lost your only child which is hundreds times worse. To survive each day is an accomplishment. It\'s so hard, I have no advise. I have had to learn to take care of me and not worry about others just as you have. It makes me sad, but at some point I/we have to do what we need to do to heal. Love, care and lots of hugs, Roselle
I had a similar experience with my best friend. Best friend since the sixth grade, after Jim passed,she kinda vanished. I called and spoke to her husband. He said she feels she has too much of an empathetic personality. ...? I write emails to her, not terribly sad, but not terribly happy (how could they be?) and get forwards from her. :( AND a host of other friends. AND my ex. Doesn\'t want to think of Jim as being gone. What to say? I always think of something someone on Compassionate Friends site said, \"Friends become strangers, strangers become friends.\" It is true. Old friends like it when you fake it. Have a glass of wine and manage somehow to be your old self. SO you do that and then take your leave when you can\'t keep up the facade any longer. I am now away from my friends. I can\'t even truly say I miss them, they didn\'t know how to relate to me after I lost Jim.
I do know when my neighbor lost her daughter a year before Jim, I would never have abandoned her, ever! Nor did she me when the following year Jim passed.
Some people .... ?
So sorry but not surprised.
LOVE,
Soos
Linda, it is so sad that others can\'t handle our grief...and sometimes I wonder how would they handle thier own grief. I have a few wonderful friends that have been by my side and never hesitate to call, but then there are others that I don\'t hear from and I don\'t understand. One co-worker/friend who our kids grew up together.....has never once called, or sent a card or even acknowledged that anything happened. It has bothered me so much. I hope, like you said that they never do have to experience this. Some act like it is contagious. I get tired of pretending that I am \"ok\" all the time. Some times I am.....but there are days when I\'m not and just wish I could express it. I\'m glad we have FMO....where we can share our true feelings and be understood. Love & Hugs to you....Kim
Linda....sweet girl.....you are not a bitter old woman, you are a grieving mother. I, myself, am very tired of people who cannot continue to care or be there for you for the long run, however long it is. I\'m not dealing with the death of a child, the worst nightmare on earth, but in a crazy way, having severe MCS is like in that you lose almost everything and everyone in your life. They can\'t handle how unhappy not being able to do what you like, etc. is making you, and frankly, they don\'t want to be brought down by it. That\'s the bottom line. I just lost someone who was my best friend for 26 years because I got very ill on perfume at her daughter\'s wedding and could not even stand up to go to the reception. We were as close as sisters, but this didn\'t cut it with her, as if I would do that on purpose. I thought she knew me better than that. But it is disappointing, and you try to understand, but at the same time you want to say, How can you not understand what I\'m going through?? Don\'t beat yourself up....God will replace these people with others who truly care....He\'s all about that.....so watch for them! God bless you!
Becky
Dearest Linda, please be gentle on yourself, you are so very far from bitter....you are grieving the loss of your precious son.I can tell you for myself the second year was every bit as hard as the first one-sometimes it felt harder since the shock and numbness had worn off.For me, it wasn\'t until well into the third year that I could truly say I felt happy again....not the same happiness that I felt before Mitch was killed, but a different happy....an acceptable happiness, one that I was thankful to feel.I can actually remember the first day that happened and I thanked God for it.It will happen for you as well and you will know it when you reach that point.....nothing or no amount of time will ever bring us back to the place we were before our children left this world, but we reach that point of the \"new normal\"I suppose it is a place that we have to settle for and simply do the best we can with what we have.Thank you for trusting your heart to us....we love you and are here for you, Sending Really Big Hugs, Charlene
Dear Linda, how can it be that so many of us are in this \'fairly bleak\' place all at once... I mean, i wasn\'t merry but I was coping and suddenly I\'m not. As I just said to Marlene we\'re just going to have to accept that friends can\'t understand. It sure is baffling how people are afraid to mention Andy... like they were hoping I was maybe having a day of not thinking about him??? and mentioning him would break my heart all over again? It\'s so crazy it\'s impossible to explain. But that\'s how far they are from understanding. Oh my eyes are tired from crying today. This journey has me on my knees. I\'m sorry you are in the same place... but grateful for your sweet compassion, again and again. For Eddie, who gave you such pleasure, made you so proud. For sleep that will bring us hours of peace.
Lots of love,
Sarah
I don\'t understand people...I just DON\'T!!!! I have been thinking the very same thing about my phone never ringing...but I do have some good friends who check on me every now and again but not nearly as often as in the beginning. I have a sister and brother but they NEVER ask me how I am doing since my son ...their nephew died.... they do not call. It causes bad feelings for me about them....I don\'t think I can ever be there for them if they should ever have to experience this pain of losing one of their children. I will say that my brother was there in the beginning but now I guess it is all over for him...who knows....I just get tired of trying to figure people out....I do know this...that I will be the grieving mom of Brandon for as long as there is breath in me and I make no apologies....I know we all feel the same way and I feel blessed to know that those of us here at FMO can lean on each other. If ever you need to talk you know you can call me. I know that Soos called me this evening and we talked a while...I felt better afterwards....the day had been very bad.....I do know how you are feeling, sweet friend. I love you and your sweet boy, Eddie...dale, brandon\'s mom
It is a lifetime dear Linda... it is \"never too long\" when we are living into our hearts and feelings. I have found that my true friends are here now and that those that were are merely acquaintances now because they cannot travel \"with\" me any longer. It hurts and how does one not personalize feeling abandoned in our greatest sorrow? Even my two friends who are local have been scarce lately and I keep thinking that they are doing everything that they can to keep themselves uplifted that at the end of the day and perhaps their reserves are totally depleted? I just don\'t know? I noticed the loving purpose you had in your life with Kelsey and that it was helping you with your sorrow over Eddie and then to have that so abruptly taken away has felt like a tsunami within your soul. Just my thoughts and of course some may resonate and some may not yet for me if I have a container in which to hold some of them from time to time it helps. Truly, what would we do without this safe haven of loving support and hope? I\'m with you Linda, and after such a long work week I hope today can be a day of rest. Much love, Joanie
Well, I just wrote a whole book for my comment to you and I deleted it by misttake. Can stupid people be in this group? Linda, I am so sorry for your sad loss. No mother should have to go through this. I will tell you , friends, almost all of them cannot deal with anything but upbeat and cheerful. I have experienced this myself and it hurts. I know you are struggling right now and you must decorate a whole room in your heart for the feelings you will always have, the pain you will always have. Greive when you need to. We\'ll help you.
I myself is guessing that long is as long as it ever takes...I do not know how we ever get to the point of being okay.....I thought about it after I read your journal and another journal on here and thought to myself \"maybe I should start trying\" then I decided I am not ready..I don\'t want to accept my Ken is gone...People just don\'t understand our pain...I wish this on no one..but it is the longest unhappy,sad journey I have or will have...The loss of a child how do we even begin to live again...For those who do not understand count your blessings...none of us mom\'s want to be here...Do for you sweet one...Sandi
I just read all the comments, we are all the same, we share more than just grief, we share the friends who are not there anymore, the phone that doesn\'t ring....please know we are all here together, and here you never get shunned you just get giant (((((hugs))))) Nora
Linda, you\'ve been such a great help to me this last year. Explaining how I\'m feeling when I myself, don\'t know. Please, be true to how you\'re feeling. It\'s impossible to live a lie, there are days we just can\'t cope. I told a friend in shul yesterday that I\'d had to leave, the week before, when Rabbi was extolling his happiness about some of our local young men coming home as Rabbis. My Jake isn\'t coming home. I had to leave. Friend tried to explain to me why R.said what he did, I explained, it\'s not rational, dear, it\'s emotional, and that\'s my truth. We don\'t have to justify our pain, it\'s clear to anyone with eyes and ears. I love you Linda, and wish I could lighten your load, but to lose your only child! It\'s beyond grief! I\'m just glad you\'re not nuts. love ya, abby
I do not get how someone could tell you to not mention your child\'s name...talk of him...shame on them! I have never had anyone say such things. I have always known that sometimes when I would talk of Alex it made the person I was talking to sad too. But, they could never be as sad as me. I think that you need to have a heart to heart with these folks and tell them you ARE going to talk of Eddie...that he is your son and it helps you to talk. I have always found that honesty is the best way to \"make it\". I would not tell them all the gorey details...but that I was having a hard time or that it is the hardest thing I have ever been through...just the truth. I do know that there are friends that have trouble and hope that we are better, because they don\'t want us suffering....so it isn\'t that they don\'t want to hear it...they just want us so sad. But saddness is a part of us now. BTW...I would never describe you as bitter...you are a sweet and gentle spirit...love to you...Karen
I swear people think we are contagious. What the heck is wrong with people? I would give anything to be able to tell people how I really feel on this subject, that I wouldn\'t even want to to \"get over it\" because what kind of worthless piece of work would a mother be if she did??? All we can really do is smile, wink & nod whenever the lucky, ignorant folks are around and then run to our computers so that we can have our feelings validated by our sisters here on FMO. Thank God we have us I I thank God I have you. I love you. Colleen