how is your whole life?

i got this tiny little bottle of self tanning drops but have no way to get it onto my back.  that's thinking ahead......i've never used a self tanner......but my friend who is recuping from cancer had this soft healthy glow the last time i saw her..........i thought how nice she looks, how pretty,how much healthier.........she shared that she got a tiny bottle of tanologist.  she got the color "light".......huh.  you mix it with your moisturiser, wash your hands and tah dah. done. 

she no longer had that pasty look that i too sport..........so i got a bottle & then thought how do i get it on my back?  shame you have to put in on the back but then again who wants to look like a two tone tammy?  not me, so now i have to get a thingy to put it on......wish me luck.

in other news....i've been waking up anywhere from 2 am to 4 pm.......then it takes me a few hours to go back to sleep.  it's odd, don't like it, never really planned to sleep in two sleep shifts, but that's the way of it lately.  random.  doable ........

life has improved for me........blessed with some new and dear friends......feel like a person instead of that girl with her nose pressed to the glass wishing for a happier life.  spent a lot of time praying and hoping and wanting and dreaming and now i find myself feeling more like a real person.  it's pretty amazing.

i had a longtime pal at DS ( a guy, my one DS guy friend) who after ten years.......an entire decade sent me a terrible message, it was inappropriate and disrepectful.....it really threw me.  made me angry, sad.......confused me and hurt me too.  we wrote for such a long time, i never expected that of him in a million years.......life can throw anyone unexpected curves.  blocked him after telling him to never ever contact me again.  moving on is necessary.......he really disappointed me.  after all that time how would i have seen that coming?  my goodness........and he sent an odd message to me on Christmas eve/then it really went south on Christmas Day......if I hadn't read it with my own eyes I never would have believed that he was capable of such a thing. 

i am strong - i can stand up in care of me as i let that go........

i miss my little sister Donna........her girls are struggling daily........one of them shared that she never knew a person could be in so much pain and live through it........she just got a tattoo of her mother's handwriting.....it was from a card her mother gave her on her wedding day........donna signed it I love you forever and always......mom (not sure how they recreate handwriting like that......but it was lovely).........i hope some of these things help the girls heal and grow. 

i turn 64 in a few days.........i keep hearing that Beatle's song playing in my head......when i get older, losing my hair many years from now.........will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greeting, bottle of wine........something, something something......when i'm sixty four.......i've had white hair for ten years.  my hair turned white within months of being benched from being able to work.  ten years......i've learned so much from all of you.......sooooo much. how to live with the challenges and obstacles and crashes.......how to lean on others instead of pushing everyone away........how to make sense out of medical nonsense and crazy illnesses that don't seem possible.........learned, cried, loved, laughed, mourned and spent more time in a bed and a recliner than seems humanly possible.......but despite everything i'm still here and my life is pretty good. 

blessed with good friends, a decent and cozy life interspersed with a lot of down days, crashy flary stuff that stops me in my tracks, but i can do this.  i am doing this.......this year after so many struggles i feel like i've been blessed by God with a true "make it work" season for which i am truly grateful........i love you all, i love me too.......let's have a little party, make wishes and blow out candles........enjoy some chocolate, have a good meal........something fun.  let's release a balloon into the sky and send it over the homes of each and every one of us........a gesture that we all truly do live under the same great sky......i have five days of being 63 left, what am i going to do with them????

for starters i'll give thanks daily.......i'll continue to work on being a good human bean.........flaws and all.......i put in a lot of hard work and feel that God has heard my many many many many prayers..........

now that i've been all sentimental and mushy i need a nap...........but i'm smiling and happy ........and blessed to know you!  so very very blessed........