How Do I Pretend?

Ha so it has been forever since I've written.  I wish I could say that I was a better person and was on here even when I felt well.  I honestly don't feel well right now.  Terrible I know.  I should be on here all the time instead of only when I need to vent.   I don't want to be normal and I don't want to be abnormal... So what do I really want?  I like it when it rains because I don't feel like I "should" be outside.  I was sitting down here watching t.v. really wanting to just not exist.  How do you explain to a family that you need a time out!  That you want so badly to be with them and hang with them, but you just don't have it inside you to interact... existing is hard enough!  I've noticed that if I pretend as hard as I can most days it helps get me through, but for some reason... well I'm sure there are a couple reasons but today and a few days lately I haven't been feeling good.  So anyhow I was really happy when I went upstairs and found my entire family upstairs asleep.  I'm supposed to be working on my masters degree right now, but I don't want to.   No idea!  No idea right now how to just do anything but sleep... So what are we supposed to do when we have a flare up?  My husband and son rely on me to be the "life" of the family.  Playing and going 100 miles a minute.  However, when I'm down for the count they just don't understand that when you have ups you also have downs.  It kills me that my husband knows I'm sick and then when I get upset he gets mad at me like I'm doing something to him!   Thing is and I know that you are going to think I'm crazy, but I try so hard to live my life completely convinced and believing that I am healthy.  Mind you I am healthy for a few minutes each day right .  I mean we all are!?   I hate that I'm at war with myself all day every day.  I fight so hard to be "normal" or at least what I think it looks like, and my husband gets upset when I can't keep the facade going.  Explain to me what is his battle with? Ok enough wallowing in myself.  I need to pull myself out of myself right now.  So back I go to my pretend world where I keep it clean and kind and totally unreal!