HOW DO I FEEL?!?!?!?!?

Wednesday, July 30:  Well, I went to the cemetery last night just before dark.  I sprinkled all the old coffee grounds/dirt on Scott's grave.(He saved those so long..the bottom was moldy)  I felt okay about it.  Now he has a little bit of home with him.  I swept the dirt away from his headstone.  His grandma's too.  (He is right next to her) I pulled a few weeds, chatted with him a minute and left.  It was hard but it felt right. I had counseling yesterday and that was okay, too.  He assures me I am making progress even though I was weepy through the whole session.  I guess I am, but I still feel stuck in so many ways. A friend of mine is coming to spend a few nights next week.  She quilts.  I think I will ask her about making a clothes quilt for me.  She is very good.  I went to dinner with another friend tonight who said she has seen them.  I guess they just cut the shirt, sweater, pants, etc in 1/2 and then  quilt them together.  I suppose I should give his things away but I like this idea better.  I give a zillion things to clothing banks, Salvation Army, etc., every year.  These clothes I will keep. I won 4 St. Louis Cardinal baseball tickets yesterday.  It is for this coming Sunday night's game.  I don't think I can go.  It is a 4 hour drive. Plus, I am supposed to be on a houseboat that day.  So, I am going to try and find someone who wants them.  I know a couple of people who have family in the area and may want to go.  I hope so.  I hate to waste anything! As I said, I went to dinner with a friend tonight.  It was nice.  We ate dinner and then went out on the restaurant patio and visited for a couple of hours.  She was my best friend in high school.  I didn't see her for about 25 years and then we found each other again.  And, we still really like each other.  In these past few years she has shared my ups/downs with my boys and never once has she passed any judgement....no matter what I have had to share. I have had A LOT!  And, I really appreciate having someone in my life who knew me just as Ginger, before being a Mom or wife.  Neither one of us has really changed very much.  We are still both pretty laid back, a little bit onery, and very much our true selves. Tristen's Mom called last night. (my picnic buddy)  She wants me to go to Silver Dollar City in Branson with his Grandma & his sister and her friend.  I think I will, and may take Adam, too.  I haven't been for a few years.  He should be a real hoot on some of the rides! He is really a funny guy!  He doesn't talk much but his expressions and actions say it all!  I adore him. I actually did some shopping yesterday and today.  For myself!  I always go to Penney's & Macy's about this time every year to get the T-Tops I wear for 2/3 of the year.  I didn't make it to Macy's but Penney's had lots of things on clearance for 70% off!  I saved tons of money!  I got about $200.00 of clothes for $60.00!  I didn't go last summer 'cause it was so soon after Scott's death.  This time last year I could barely breathe much less shop. (I guess I am making a little progess...)  Anyway, it was a really good thing 'cause I wear my clothes hard!  So, some of them are looking pretty rough and need to be put in the "junk, stay-at-home, comfort" catagory.  Yea!  New clothes!  I hate shopping and this will be it until Christmas and then Feb. for winter clearance. Adam went "off" on me today. He even told me to "Go to Hell!"  I told him I would not be treated that way when he, at 21, has a free ride here. Or, for any other reason.  That I don't care if he is here.  I like it.  However, I will not be disrespected.  I do not deserve it!  All I did was tell him he needed to call back about a particular job.  He has been really moody these past few days.  I am sure a lot of it has to do with Melissa.  He almost cried when I asked him what was going on.  He said he couldn't talk to me about it.   I am very worried about him.  He has always suffered from depression.  He is spending the night with his Grandpa tonight.  I hope it helps.  But, I am worried!