HOW DO I FEEL?!?!?!?!?
Wednesday, July 30: Well, I went to the cemetery last night just before dark. I sprinkled all the old coffee grounds/dirt on Scott's grave.(He saved those so long..the bottom was moldy) I felt okay about it. Now he has a little bit of home with him. I swept the dirt away from his headstone. His grandma's too. (He is right next to her) I pulled a few weeds, chatted with him a minute and left. It was hard but it felt right. I had counseling yesterday and that was okay, too. He assures me I am making progress even though I was weepy through the whole session. I guess I am, but I still feel stuck in so many ways. A friend of mine is coming to spend a few nights next week. She quilts. I think I will ask her about making a clothes quilt for me. She is very good. I went to dinner with another friend tonight who said she has seen them. I guess they just cut the shirt, sweater, pants, etc in 1/2 and then quilt them together. I suppose I should give his things away but I like this idea better. I give a zillion things to clothing banks, Salvation Army, etc., every year. These clothes I will keep. I won 4 St. Louis Cardinal baseball tickets yesterday. It is for this coming Sunday night's game. I don't think I can go. It is a 4 hour drive. Plus, I am supposed to be on a houseboat that day. So, I am going to try and find someone who wants them. I know a couple of people who have family in the area and may want to go. I hope so. I hate to waste anything! As I said, I went to dinner with a friend tonight. It was nice. We ate dinner and then went out on the restaurant patio and visited for a couple of hours. She was my best friend in high school. I didn't see her for about 25 years and then we found each other again. And, we still really like each other. In these past few years she has shared my ups/downs with my boys and never once has she passed any judgement....no matter what I have had to share. I have had A LOT! And, I really appreciate having someone in my life who knew me just as Ginger, before being a Mom or wife. Neither one of us has really changed very much. We are still both pretty laid back, a little bit onery, and very much our true selves. Tristen's Mom called last night. (my picnic buddy) She wants me to go to Silver Dollar City in Branson with his Grandma & his sister and her friend. I think I will, and may take Adam, too. I haven't been for a few years. He should be a real hoot on some of the rides! He is really a funny guy! He doesn't talk much but his expressions and actions say it all! I adore him. I actually did some shopping yesterday and today. For myself! I always go to Penney's & Macy's about this time every year to get the T-Tops I wear for 2/3 of the year. I didn't make it to Macy's but Penney's had lots of things on clearance for 70% off! I saved tons of money! I got about $200.00 of clothes for $60.00! I didn't go last summer 'cause it was so soon after Scott's death. This time last year I could barely breathe much less shop. (I guess I am making a little progess...) Anyway, it was a really good thing 'cause I wear my clothes hard! So, some of them are looking pretty rough and need to be put in the "junk, stay-at-home, comfort" catagory. Yea! New clothes! I hate shopping and this will be it until Christmas and then Feb. for winter clearance. Adam went "off" on me today. He even told me to "Go to Hell!" I told him I would not be treated that way when he, at 21, has a free ride here. Or, for any other reason. That I don't care if he is here. I like it. However, I will not be disrespected. I do not deserve it! All I did was tell him he needed to call back about a particular job. He has been really moody these past few days. I am sure a lot of it has to do with Melissa. He almost cried when I asked him what was going on. He said he couldn't talk to me about it. I am very worried about him. He has always suffered from depression. He is spending the night with his Grandpa tonight. I hope it helps. But, I am worried!
Replies
We think we are not doing so great, then look back, and wow, what a difference! I read back over some of my journal entries when I first found DS. What a mess I was, bitter, angry, depressed, sad, mean......I see a huge change in myself! Good for you and your shopping spree! Sounds like you found some good deals. I hate to shop! My clothes are all huge on me and I just don\'t want to go! I\'ve ordered some new scrubs online, and just hoped they fit.
I\'m sorry you are having problems with Adam. I\'m glad you stood up for yourself though. I wish we could make them open up! Trav gets so damn moody sometimes, and just angry! He won\'t talk about his brothers much. Lately he\'s been a little better. He even says their names once in a while. He won\'t get help either. He did at first, then decided he didn\'t like the psychiatrist, and never went back. Hugs honey. That\'s all I know to do. Love you, Barbara
You are making progress, hun even if you don\'t see it yourself. Just reading your entry for today shows how far you\'ve come. You are doing things you couldn\'t do at one time and it sounds like you are even enjoying some of them. Finding joy in every day life again is a huge step. Joy may come in spurts, but at least it\'s coming. I, too found my best friend from high school a few years ago. We hadn\'t seen or talked with each other in 30 years. Today, she is one of the few people who is like your friend....one that just lets me be me and is so supportive. Have a peace-filled day, my friend. Adrianne
I am with Adrianne and Barbara...it is obvious to me reading your journals that you definitely are making progress. We are different from before we lost our children...so sometimes we don\'t recognize ourselves...and how we are moving forward...or it isn\'t as fast as we want...bereavement is a lifelong process...take care of you...oh yeah...give Adam a little space and then ask him about himself and how he is REALLY doing...you may be surprised...he may open up to you...Karen
It sound like you are making progress. You are trying to do more things & just taking baby steps is what we do. Do what is comfortable ... finding firends that will listen and not judge... Like Karen said give Adam some space & then see if you can find out what is going on. Big hugs to you from Kansas City, Connie
Glad you are doing good. The quilt idea sounds good. My Mom sews, and I plan on having her do a quilt for me out of some of Justin\'s shirts. I have to decide on which shirts yet ..... that\'s a step I haven\'t took yet. He had so many favorites ... and so did I.
As far as the thing with your son Adam .... I have also had some confrontations with my son Brandon (who is also presently living at home free of charge). It has been all I can do to keep to keep from slapping him across the face from some things he has said. He also has been very bad depressed about his brother Justin. They were only 13 months apart and wee very close. I don\'t have any answers .... but I sure have some simiiar problems !!!!
Thinking of you, and I hope things get better !!!
Love, Kelly
Ginger,
You have come a long way. I thing the dirt in the can was a great idea to put on Scotts grave. I do the shopping the same way , load up on sales and |I am good to go. It alwasy makes me feel good to get a bargain. I usually gorto Macys or Dillards. Have gotten some rerally nice pants at Dillards.
Hope Adam decides to tell you what is wrong or at least someone. Not good to keep it bottled up. Hugs, Inga
My mother and I are going to work on the clothes quilt. Before I lost Brandon we were just going to do the boys jerseys/uniforms from all the sports they have played over the years, know we are going to use his goofy tee shirts and ect to make each one of the other boys a qulit so they can always have a part of him. In the center patch we are going to have a photo tee made with them all.
Glad that you took some time to go out and shop for yourself. That is such a hard thing to do. I hope you do go out to the Silver Dollar thing and have a good time too.
Glad that you are taking steps with Adam. It is hard for the ones left behind to talk about things. Know he must have alot in there with his brother and Melissa. Glad you are there for him and willing to go through the ROUGH stuff with him. I think anger is so hard when it really is not FOR us but we get it from them anyway.
Take caze
I was glad to read your journal entry. You are doing better than I am. It\'s good you got out shopping. I have been thinking about my Son\'s things. Trying to decide what to do first. I just feel if I clean out his stuff, it will be like he was erased. But I know its things he dosen\'t need anymore. You sound good and busy also. Tomorrow is 8/1 and that was the day of my Son\'s furneral. The last time I saw him. You sound positive and it spreads to others. Love Joanne
I think the quilt is a great idea I still have most of Martins clothes and wish I could have a quilt made I even have the last pair of cargo shorts he wore the day he died.
Even tho you think sometimes your not doing so good you really are and I think thats awesome you and I have came a long ways Justin has been gone 16 months and I do feel better then I have since Justin died I still have my down days which sometimes is alot but I know in my heart that Justin is in a better place but it really doesn\'t help when I\'m missing his smile,hugs,kisses and I love you Mom.I\'m so happy for you that you have friends to talk to I really don\'t have much but I\'m so happy for you your stronger than you think keep being busy and keep writing those journals that make us feel like your doing ok.Take Care.Peace to you.jfm24,Vicki
Yea! You are starting to do somethings for yourself! Old friends are the BEST, aren\'t they? You stood up for yourself with your son, that is good. I understand your concern for him, would he consent to seeing a counselor? I am glad you may go to Branson,--how exciting is that?? We live in WI, but went a few years ago and would like to go again! It was great fun--shows, Silver Dollar City and all! Hugs to you, Judy
You are making progress. I look back on some of my journals and I stop to think wow, I\'m in a different phase now. I\'m still missing and grieving but not at the same level as I was when my heart was first broken. I think the clothes quilt is a great idea. Have a good time with your friend. Take Care, Love and Hugs.