How can they forget Ed?!
I don't know why I am surprised but I spent this past evening with my "mother", brother & sister in law, nephew & his girlfriend. I ave been awake now crying since 2am. It was my "mother's" 90th birthday so my brother & I took her out for dinner. I write "mother" in quotes because she has never been anything that resembles a mother to me and I have little to do with her but I felt for her 90th birthday I should make an appearance. Ken didn't go with me, not because he isn't well (although it makes a nice excuse) but because he cannot take how cruel my narcissistic "mother" can be. Tonight, I had to listen to several hours of her stating how lucky we all are that we have "long lives" in our family. Really? well, Eddie, by the way, remember him, your first grandchild? died at 37 from a heart attack!
I don't begrudge her a long life but no one, not her, not my brother, not my nephew, mentioned Ed at all! My "mother" was smiling & happy, thrilled to be the center of attention. I mentioned my son for a moment and got stares! Let's all just forget he existed!!!Well you know what! Screw you all!!
My son was a sweet, kind person who would never intentionally hurt anyone! Its not fair, its not fair, its not fair!!! What kind of a grandmother acts as if her first grandchild never existed!! I will never stop talking about Ed! He lived! He loved! He made a difference & how dare they ignore him!
I told Ken when I got home. Ken was amazed that I was surprised. As he said, "you know how they are." He is right. I do know, but I was still hurt by how little they care about Ed. No calls from ANY of them on Ed's angel date or his birthday! They don't even remember!
That's why I come here. Ed is not forgotten by you. THANK YOU!
I don't begrudge her a long life but no one, not her, not my brother, not my nephew, mentioned Ed at all! My "mother" was smiling & happy, thrilled to be the center of attention. I mentioned my son for a moment and got stares! Let's all just forget he existed!!!Well you know what! Screw you all!!
My son was a sweet, kind person who would never intentionally hurt anyone! Its not fair, its not fair, its not fair!!! What kind of a grandmother acts as if her first grandchild never existed!! I will never stop talking about Ed! He lived! He loved! He made a difference & how dare they ignore him!
I told Ken when I got home. Ken was amazed that I was surprised. As he said, "you know how they are." He is right. I do know, but I was still hurt by how little they care about Ed. No calls from ANY of them on Ed's angel date or his birthday! They don't even remember!
That's why I come here. Ed is not forgotten by you. THANK YOU!
Replies
Oh Linda, I understand your anger, annoyance and frustration on this. It really hurts that one\'s own mother cannot acknowledge our heartache from the loss of our child or any other loved one for that matter. My mother is in her 80s, and she has not once said Jared\'s name since he died 2 years ago, not once! When I start to talk about him, she goes silent. My parents live in Albuquerque, New Mexico so it was too far for them to travel to attend his funeral but it took 2 weeks before they called me. They did not even send flowers or a card. So, Linda, I can appreciate your feelings here. It hurts. Yes, our sons were wonderful people who lived and loved, and we must not let them be forgotten. I will talk about Jared until it\'s my turn to pass. And I agree with you that Ed and all of our beloved angel children are not forgotten here. Sending you my love, hugs and hope for a good and peaceful day and week ahead. Diane
I would so love to be able to convince myself that the people who do this \"never say their name\" thing are just trying to protect us from hurt, but I really believe it is more to protect themselves from being uncomfortable. We will always say Ed\'s name proudly and with love and we will always acknowledge that he was a loving, vibrant young man who was loved beyond love by his wonderful Momma. Try not to waste too much time trying to figure out how some people can be soooo oblivious to what you need the most. Lots of love and hugs...Lynn
Dearest Linda...Ed will never be forgotten! I am so very sorry that no one speaks of him. I just don\'t understand what happens with others and why they would even for a moment think that we receive comfort in \"never hearing our child\'s name again.\" It just is unbelievable to me. Deep sigh...
What I know about you Linda, is that you are learning from this and that is why you are such an incredible mother, woman and friend. You understand what others need in ways that many do not and the softness of your hands is only a small indication of the beauty within your heart.
Let it out, vent away and then continue to put one foot in front of the other as you are. We are here for you!
Hoping Ken is able to find out what is going on with his medical situation today and that you feel how loved Ed is and you are by each of us.
Much love dear friend,
Joanie
Dear Linda, I know exactly how you feel and it\'s awful to be \"frozen out\" and have your beloved child cast aside. His life meant something to all of US and we never even met him! No decent loving human goes unnoticed in God\'s eyes and someday each who chooses to not reach out in compassion and comfort will be confronted with their own lack of charity and know, in their own souls, how much that hurt. SEE what a work God did in YOU, from such a narcissistic, cold, uncaring mother YOU were yet able to be a loving, committed and wonderful mother to your Ed! I know how much it hurts to have your precious son ignored and to be yourself ignored because April\'s dad\'s side of the family has forgotten all about me AND her, but that doesn\'t matter because our love for our children will go with us into eternity and, even now, our children know this love and cherish it.
Dear Linda. No matter how much we know that our families are insensitive, it still hurts when they carry on as if our beloved kids never existed. I agree that some people don\'t want to talk about them because it makes them feel uncomfortable. It is the whole \"I don\'t know what to say\" so they say nothing. They are selfish - plain and simple. In your \"mother\'s\" case, it sounds like she doesn\'t want to share air time! How incredibly sad for you - the person who should be a comfort to you is the most hurtful. Even though you know how she is going to behave, it is still hard to say \"Oh well, it is just her\" and ignore it.
The old saying \"the good die young\" is sure a fact in our families. My focus is to keep Lisa\'s memory alive - they are not going to forget her. If I tear up, so be it. I won\'t stop talking about her until the day I die.
I hope Ken gets his health issues tended to quickly,
My wish for you is peace and serenity, my friend. You are such a phenomenal caring person you deserve the best!
Love and hugs to you and Ed.
Marlene and Lisa
My dear friend ~~ I am SO sorry that your family has treated you and Ed this way. I say it that way because Ed still lives in your heart and should still live in theirs as well. To not call or say anything on his birthday or Angel date is insensitive and inexcusable. He doesn\'t deserve that from his own family. I\'ll never understand how family can be so cruel (intentional or not) to each other at times. It\'s heartbreaking. I\'m beginning to understand that it\'s hard to others to talk about our kids and that they sometimes don\'t know what to say so don\'t say anything. But, it shouldn\'t be that way with family. Ed was a part of them, too.
Yes, this is a safe place and a place where your Ed\'s name will always be mentioned with love and tenderness and you, my dear will get all the support and love you need. *Hug* ~Adrianne
Family....mothers...HA!!!!
It\'s not how they treated Eddie, it\'s how they treat YOU. Shamefully unaware of your suffering, your loss, your pain. Fie on them, next time skip the dinner, and send a nice scarf. You do not need to subject yourself to this crowd. love ya, abby
Linda, I understand how you would get agitated by these people....excuse me, but they don\'t even seem to have the same blood as you...and that is a good thing. They seem heartless, too. I don\'t blame Ken for not going but I admire that you tried to do the Christian thing...and did. Ed will always be remembered by us moms here at FMO....He is a wonderfu, loving son experiencing the love of our Lord face to face. He is the one who is having longevity in Heaven....that is the kind we will have one day, too. I am sorry that you had to endure that kind of cruelty just because you are a nice person. I am hugging you and Ed right this minute....much love, dale...brandon\'s mom
Dear Linda,
I am so sorry your feelings were hurt. Over the years I have found ways to make life bearable and one way is that I have no expectations...zero....Zippo. On Richards angel date my youngest son, his wife and my 2 youngest grandkids went out to dinner and we all knew why we were there but not once did they say my sons name . I finally at the end started talking about a memory and they joined in. Linda it is what it is . Do I wish for more , yes , do I expect more , no I don\'t.
We all have different ways of dealing with death and none of us truly knows what another person is feeling or thinking. I do not know your mother and maybe she is all the things you describe but like most humans when we are by ourselves our mind takes us to places and we start thinking and reflecting. Possibly your mother lacks the right words so she comes across a certain way. Maybe your mother never learned how to show feelings . There are a thousand reasons why some people bug the you know what out of us and those are the people I say we forgive and file them under misc :-).
Hugs,Inga
My heart aches for you...I cannot imagine having a horrible behaving mother like that...I am just so sorry. And, at the same time...I am thinking...how did you turn out so sweet, compassionate and tender-hearted? Full of love and loving motherhood? Perhaps her \"lack of\" skills...strengthened you...drove you..??? A terrible way to have to live...but look at wonderful YOU!!! Love and hugs...Karen
Linda, I\'d have been upset also, with what happened during this \"festive\" occasion. It seems like the most irascible people live for such lonnnnng lives--while those that give delight to others-- often have their lives cut short.
I hope that future get togethers (the holidays are coming--oh joy, right?) will be less angst producing for you and more sensitivity shown toward you in regard to Eddie and your broken heart.
Loving you and Eddie, Donna
It still amazes me how little my family talks about Kala....I don\'t know why, but it does. I just keep right on barreling through the conversation with \"Kala did this or that\" or whatever pops into my mind and I just try not to \"see\" their shock or discomfort or whatever it is they may be thinking/feeling. Of course, I\'m a pretty stubborn ole broad so that helps! LOL! I\'m sorry the evening was so painful for you...would have been for me too...but I do think you did the right thing by going. You lived LOVE by showing up to honor your \"mother\". All we can do is OUR best...you do that, everyday. I wish you peace, love, and comfort for your broken heart.
Linda, I\'m so sorry. i have the same situation with my family. None of them even say Sean\'s name. I consider my friends to be my true family and they are the ones that I can talk to and spend time with. Some people are just plain self-centered, even though they share our DNA. With love and understanding, Marisa
Oh Linda, I wish I could say that your family is different, but although not as blatent as yours I think all families are the same to a degree... Jenn\'s name is seldom brought up unless I do it.. don\'t know if they want to \"save my feelings\" but Jenn is me and I am Jenn.. she\'s my child, my oldest and always will be in my heart, my mind... nothing anyone else can do it me will change that.
ED,,,, ED,,,,,ED,,,, ED
I will say it for you.
MaryLou