How can he be so mean...? Why does it still hurt?

Ok, I only have about 2 seconds because I am completely swamped at work and thinking about all this stuff really isn’t helping me get things done. I’m just so FRUSTRATED!!! I mean, I think (knock on wood) he’s finally getting all of his stuff out today, finally realizes that it’s over, etc, etc. But it just infuriates me that he’s trying to turn it around and make me the bad guy. Clearly, I didn’t break up with him because he was using drugs and unwilling to stop and because he was talking to girls and lying about it—I just wanted to date other guys. SERIOUSLLY! If it were that easy, it wouldn’t have taken so freaking long to get him out and I wouldn’t have waffled back and forth between trying to be sweet/caring and trying to hold my ground. Anyway, honestly I’m just frustrated and disgusted. That he would sink to this level after admitting that he has a problem, understands why I’m doing this, etc. He had one of his friends hack my cell phone and read all the text messages that I’ve written to my friends. He was furious because I made him sound like an addict and a liar, um… Well… Anyway, I don’t want to get my hopes up too much expecting all his stuff to really be gone when I get home, but I guess it’s just crushing to see this person that you love and care about, who you believe loves and cares about you, behaving in such a dishonest and hurtful way. Yes, yes, I know it’s the drugs, etc, etc. But honestly, that isn’t a complete excuse and I just think that after everything I’ve done for him it’s so twisted that he’s trying to manipulate the situation to make me feel like I did something wrong, I ruined our relationship, me talking to male friends or exes after we broke up is the same as him doing while we were together and lying about it, etc, etc… I mean, it makes it so much easier if he’s mad and saying he never wants to get back with me once he’s clean than if he were being sweet and affectionate, because as you are probably well aware that totally pulls at my heartstrings. Anyway, right now I’m just too frustrated and upset to be ready to celebrate. I hate the things that he’s willing to say and how much he’s trying to hurt me just because I took a stand to do what’s best for him. I know I’m better off if he never tries to come back and I finally said that last night. I know that there are guys who will treat me so much better, be so much nicer, not lie, not hide things, etc. I just don’t know if I’ll ever find someone I love as much as I’ve loved him. Maybe that’s a good thing though. Maybe it’s easier to protect yourself when you don’t love someone quite so unconditionally. I just really hope he’s gone when I get home, because I don’t think I can handle seeing him after all the horrible things he’s said. And yes, I know he’s done this before and I know I’ve been hurt, etc, etc and I should have been expecting this. But you never really can build your resistance up enough to no not be hurt when they lash out, at least I can’t… I guess I just need a little encouragement/loving words right now to combat his hateful ones.