horrible past few days
Thursday through last night were HORRIBLE.
Depression, pain, misery, and every synonym of those words describe the past few days perfectly.
Thursday night was the worst. I cut a lot, I purged, I barely ate. I don't even remember cutting which was the weirdest thing of all. I also don't remember writing my last journal entry on here. I also slept maybe two hours that night as well.
Friday morning my sister was really distant. I finally got her to tell me what was going on and she told me she took my phone and read some text messages between Blair and I. The text messages were saying how frustrated I was with my sister and how upset she made me by constantly talking about weight. My sister and I took a long walk and discussed it all. I told her about my competition with her and my feelings of her doing everything better than me. She said that she worries about me so much and so do my parents even though no one says anything to me. She explained how my mother feels like I am distancing myself from her and she is scared to death that I am going to die. That was really hard but in the end it felt like we became much closer to each other. The rest of the weekend we spent every second together.
That morning I also knew that I needed to confess what I did to Carlos. Of course he got pissed and upset. He was demanding that I come home immediately because I was not in a safe place. I started bursting into tears. I couldn't control myself and was shaking uncontrollably. I then confessed to my sister, she held me. Carlos threatened to call my mother and personally I did not care. My sister then decided it would probably be best for her to call her first. My sister called her and my mother told her to call my daddy. She did and surprisingly he was calm. The whole time she was talking to him and my mother I was constantly saying, "they are going to kill me, etc". My daddy called Carlos and was able to calm him down. Shortly after Carlos called me but I refused to pick up. My sister picked up and finally I talked to him after my sister said he was calm. He did not yell. He said it made him upset but only because he cares and loves me so much. I am always terrified he is going to leave because of me, but he said he would never divorce me no matter what. Yesterday I also found out from my daddy that Carlos said to him that when he asked my daddy to marry me, he said he would care for me through sickness and health and he will always stand by that.
Yesterday I went to my parents house when I got home from Philly so I would be safe. I wanted to avoid everything from what happened over the weekend, that worked for a while until my dad asked me to go on a walk with him. I was terrified and did not look at him the whole time. He asked what was going on of course and eventually I told him everything. Of course he had no idea what was going on and I explained to him that I did not tell him because I did not want them to worry or have to deal with me. They have done enough for me already and do not deserve what I put them through. He was very understanding and nice about it.
I had dinner there and my mother constantly analyzed my food. When she asked questions I answered honestly and she just got pissed off. My daddy understood by my mother just got pissed because I was not doing what she was demanding. She then said it was mandatory for me to come over to dinner on Sunday and that we were having steak and baked potatoes and that I had to eat everything. She knows that I hate it and always have. I said I would think about it, but knew I would not come. Until this morning my mother texted Carlos what she was making. She knows it's his favorite meal and so since Carlos wanted to go I agreed. I am dreading it. Ahh
I also bought a scale early last week (which is awesome, it has so many cool features). I brought it to Philly with me and that was the first time I used it. I have weighed myself Friday, Saturday and this morning. I was shocked but loved the number I saw. It is my all time low since my anorexia started in High School.
I am going deep down, but I do not care anymore.
Depression, pain, misery, and every synonym of those words describe the past few days perfectly.
Thursday night was the worst. I cut a lot, I purged, I barely ate. I don't even remember cutting which was the weirdest thing of all. I also don't remember writing my last journal entry on here. I also slept maybe two hours that night as well.
Friday morning my sister was really distant. I finally got her to tell me what was going on and she told me she took my phone and read some text messages between Blair and I. The text messages were saying how frustrated I was with my sister and how upset she made me by constantly talking about weight. My sister and I took a long walk and discussed it all. I told her about my competition with her and my feelings of her doing everything better than me. She said that she worries about me so much and so do my parents even though no one says anything to me. She explained how my mother feels like I am distancing myself from her and she is scared to death that I am going to die. That was really hard but in the end it felt like we became much closer to each other. The rest of the weekend we spent every second together.
That morning I also knew that I needed to confess what I did to Carlos. Of course he got pissed and upset. He was demanding that I come home immediately because I was not in a safe place. I started bursting into tears. I couldn't control myself and was shaking uncontrollably. I then confessed to my sister, she held me. Carlos threatened to call my mother and personally I did not care. My sister then decided it would probably be best for her to call her first. My sister called her and my mother told her to call my daddy. She did and surprisingly he was calm. The whole time she was talking to him and my mother I was constantly saying, "they are going to kill me, etc". My daddy called Carlos and was able to calm him down. Shortly after Carlos called me but I refused to pick up. My sister picked up and finally I talked to him after my sister said he was calm. He did not yell. He said it made him upset but only because he cares and loves me so much. I am always terrified he is going to leave because of me, but he said he would never divorce me no matter what. Yesterday I also found out from my daddy that Carlos said to him that when he asked my daddy to marry me, he said he would care for me through sickness and health and he will always stand by that.
Yesterday I went to my parents house when I got home from Philly so I would be safe. I wanted to avoid everything from what happened over the weekend, that worked for a while until my dad asked me to go on a walk with him. I was terrified and did not look at him the whole time. He asked what was going on of course and eventually I told him everything. Of course he had no idea what was going on and I explained to him that I did not tell him because I did not want them to worry or have to deal with me. They have done enough for me already and do not deserve what I put them through. He was very understanding and nice about it.
I had dinner there and my mother constantly analyzed my food. When she asked questions I answered honestly and she just got pissed off. My daddy understood by my mother just got pissed because I was not doing what she was demanding. She then said it was mandatory for me to come over to dinner on Sunday and that we were having steak and baked potatoes and that I had to eat everything. She knows that I hate it and always have. I said I would think about it, but knew I would not come. Until this morning my mother texted Carlos what she was making. She knows it's his favorite meal and so since Carlos wanted to go I agreed. I am dreading it. Ahh
I also bought a scale early last week (which is awesome, it has so many cool features). I brought it to Philly with me and that was the first time I used it. I have weighed myself Friday, Saturday and this morning. I was shocked but loved the number I saw. It is my all time low since my anorexia started in High School.
I am going deep down, but I do not care anymore.
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