Horrible Day

Well, this was a week from hell with a rotten cherry on top. All week I anticipated today, Cassi's birthday, hoping I could find joy in the day but terrified of the pain. There was some joy. a few phone calls from loved ones...but the pain, oh the pain. Oh my God, feeling so much grief for my child, not just for her death but for the pain that led up to it. Feeling sorry for myself. I hope I can indulge my self-pity without any of you holding it against me, I just want to vent. Knowing there are no answers in this life I wonder why my child's life had to be so painful, why did she have such hardships when I wanted so badly for her to have a better life than I did. That's what we all want. I put all my eggs, so to speak, in one basket. I had only one child and in her I put all my hopes and dreams, then my dreams turned to nightmares. When she became a teenager, I used to see other mothers and their teenagers walking in the mall, laughing and shopping happily. We were usually fighting over clothes because she was overweight and it was hard to find clothes to fit her and harder to find clothes to fit her that she would wear. Looking back, that was nothing compared to what was to come when her depression set in. We had been so close when she was younger, like two peas in a pod, then all of a sudden everything I said got on her nerves and she wanted to be anywhere but near me. Of course the harder she tried to pull away the harder I tried to hold on. Then she graduated from high school. She had her worst episode up to that point the summer after she graduated and I had to hospitalize her. I also found where she had been cutting herself. She came out of the hospital seemingly better, but it was just because she wanted out. Then she went away to college...there were some good times, there were some bad times, but overall she maintained a certain stability. It was after she graduated and got a job and off campus apartment that she really went off the rails. I've wondered sometimes if there was something about being in school that felt secure to her. I don't know, I go over it in minute detail trying to figure it out but there is no figuring it out. I just think of more people to blame who failed her, number one being me. We all do it, go over the past, as though if we can figure it out we can travel back in time and fix it all. Unfortunately we can't do that.

I've cried so much this week my eyes are almost swollen shut and feel like two hard boiled eggs, then, this morning, I woke up and the left side of my face is swollen and red and painful, the shingles are back. This will be the eighth time.

I don't know what to do with myself. I am just going to double up on my sleep meds and put this day to rest.  Tomorrow has to be better, it just has to be.