Hoping for Hope

Today I woke up feeling the tiniest bit more optimistic about things. I woke up feeling more hopeful that there is hope. I guess what I feel the least hopeful about is that I won't be able to heal this fear of being alone. Due to that fear, I have done somethings since the breakup that were attempts to "feel better" and "make the pain go away", but all I was doing was masking the feelings. I delayed myself from actually dealing with the issue and I actually made it even worse. And now just thinking about that, I have began slipping back into the dark of pit of hopelessness. 

Personal growth and change should be exciting and somewhat thrilling. I'm faced with so much change right now in multiple domains of my life and all I feel is afraid, anxious, and overwhelmed. I feel lost in the sea of my career and that I invested so much in my education and have yet to really see it pay off. I feel lost in my own emotions- why do I need male attention to feel validated? How do I overcome this? I'm terrified of the future. I have no idea what it holds and right now it is hard to believe that it holds good things. I'm racked with guilt about how I treated Josh when we broke up. I don't know if ending our relationship was a mistake, but it was a mistake how I treated him after it. 

And why oh why is it so sickeningly hard for me to let go of someone that wasn't even mine and something that apparently wasn't even "real"? I don't understand why he would just stop communication with me. After everything we said we felt for each other and the "history". I must have been romanticizing it. It was infatuation. He said it was more and he felt this way even 10 years ago, but if that's true he would have at least basic respect for me and be able to communicate that he can't invest in this anymore. I need to view this as evidence as to why he hasn't had successful, long-term relationships. I can't view this as something wrong with me, but a reflection of himself and his own insecurities. I haven't messaged him yet, even though there have been moments where I literally have a message written, but just can't bring myself to press the send button. And I'm SO glad I haven't. Those are victories in and of themselves at this point and I need all the victories I can get.