hopefully tomorrow will be a better day
Even if I could learn to cope with the trials and tribulations of life without drugs its the dull feeling of emptiness that I just can't seem to soberly suffer through. That feeling like everything is wrong but when someone says "what's wrong?" You reply "I don't know.". And you mean it.
It feels like forever- this feeling of emptiness- when you feel it you can't remember ever feeling happiness before and you can't imagine ever feeling it again. Everything just feels endless and horrible. But what is really wrong? I have no fucking idea.
-----------------------------------------
Hours later: I think its just a bad day. Its raining and chilly outside. Its dark and dreary. It just sucks.
You know what one of my ridiculous fears is? I feel this a couple days before each court appearance I do for matters I've never handled before. Since I'm admitted less than a year- the things I haven't done encompasses a whole lot of shit. So here's the fear: that everyone is going to look at me like I'm a complete fucking idiot- no matter how intelligent I sound, no matter how much law I know, no matter how prepared- no matter what- all the people in the court are basically going to be my dad. That's my problem.
I used to say that compared to the way my father treated me the rest of the world was a piece of cake. Now I feel paralyzed with fear that I'm gonna meet him again out in the world. I don't really know what to do. I guess seeing it for what it is is the first step. Maybe that's bc there isn't that presence in my life anymore and I am creating it in my mind bc I don't know how to live without it.
The reality is- I've met men just like my father- many people actually. And I've handled them fine- in fact better than most people would. I guess I also have to realize that I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm a strong woman. Also, I lived through the abuse as a child and I got through so what would make me think that as a functioning adult I can't cope with people like my father? It doesn't make much sense.
When I was 18 I flipped a car. It landed on its head. I thought I miraculously walked out w out a scratch until a year later when I woke up and couldn't move. Anyway- I realized that day that I fucked up my back in the accident. I worked a physical job back then and I had learned how to lift properly, etc. My fucked up back was a functioning problem. People told me about acupuncture- I figured I would try it. Boy did that suck!!! Acupuncture had a dramatic effect on me. It was like it brought all of my back pain to the surface. This proved that it wasn't bullshit- but when I spoke to the accupuncturist she told me that was natural- to go through that much pain before I would be helped. I quit after that. Even though the thought of eventually being pain free was nice- it wasn't nice enough to endure that pain. It was as if my back and I were in what I called an equilibrium. It wasn't great- I was in pain sometimes- but it wasn't horrible. As long as I bent correctly and didn't do anything in particular to jack my back up- the pain was bearable. Acupuncture fucked the equilibrium up.
I think the story of my back is like the story of my life. For a really long time my life was an equilibrium of abuse and bad times coupled with a couple of good times sprinkled in between. Therapy fucks up my equilibrium. That's why I am feeling so much pain and that's why somedays I feel like I can't move. Clinging to my equilibrium has kept me crazy for way to many years. Now its very clear to me that if I want to find happiness it is 100% necessary to change the way I live my life- my equilibrium. And just like with my back- it's rediculously painful. But I'm not gonna give up this time bc I really believe my life depends on it. I really believe I deserve happiness. But doggedly following the same path I've been on my entire life just won't get me there. I know that now.
----------------------
My ma just came home. God forgive me- I just resent her and this family so much. They sit there and ask me "what's wrong" and I know its bc they want to help me- BUT THEY NEVER REALLY HELP ME. I feel like such a piece of shit for saying that. Like the fact that they love me should be good enough for me. Like people like me just don't deserve healthiness. I don't know how much longer I can live surrounded by people like this. They are the only people I see!!!!! How can I believe that healthy people exist if this is all I'm surrounded by? I can't. I have to change that. I have to go against every grain of mine and start doing things that bring me around other people. Everyday I have to make a commitment to myself to do that.
This is so hard. Everyday is so hard. Maybe I should shut down my practice and start applying to other firms just to get out of here. Before I do that I have to give myself a chance to do this soberly. Each day that gets harder and harder.
I am sober today. It wasn't planned- but this was day 1. I'm gonna try my best to have tomorrow be day 2. I don't want to live this way anymore. When I get high I disappoint myself daily. I can't keep disappointing myself. Additionally I only smoke at home so that means I spend more time here which also sucks.
It feels like forever- this feeling of emptiness- when you feel it you can't remember ever feeling happiness before and you can't imagine ever feeling it again. Everything just feels endless and horrible. But what is really wrong? I have no fucking idea.
-----------------------------------------
Hours later: I think its just a bad day. Its raining and chilly outside. Its dark and dreary. It just sucks.
You know what one of my ridiculous fears is? I feel this a couple days before each court appearance I do for matters I've never handled before. Since I'm admitted less than a year- the things I haven't done encompasses a whole lot of shit. So here's the fear: that everyone is going to look at me like I'm a complete fucking idiot- no matter how intelligent I sound, no matter how much law I know, no matter how prepared- no matter what- all the people in the court are basically going to be my dad. That's my problem.
I used to say that compared to the way my father treated me the rest of the world was a piece of cake. Now I feel paralyzed with fear that I'm gonna meet him again out in the world. I don't really know what to do. I guess seeing it for what it is is the first step. Maybe that's bc there isn't that presence in my life anymore and I am creating it in my mind bc I don't know how to live without it.
The reality is- I've met men just like my father- many people actually. And I've handled them fine- in fact better than most people would. I guess I also have to realize that I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm a strong woman. Also, I lived through the abuse as a child and I got through so what would make me think that as a functioning adult I can't cope with people like my father? It doesn't make much sense.
When I was 18 I flipped a car. It landed on its head. I thought I miraculously walked out w out a scratch until a year later when I woke up and couldn't move. Anyway- I realized that day that I fucked up my back in the accident. I worked a physical job back then and I had learned how to lift properly, etc. My fucked up back was a functioning problem. People told me about acupuncture- I figured I would try it. Boy did that suck!!! Acupuncture had a dramatic effect on me. It was like it brought all of my back pain to the surface. This proved that it wasn't bullshit- but when I spoke to the accupuncturist she told me that was natural- to go through that much pain before I would be helped. I quit after that. Even though the thought of eventually being pain free was nice- it wasn't nice enough to endure that pain. It was as if my back and I were in what I called an equilibrium. It wasn't great- I was in pain sometimes- but it wasn't horrible. As long as I bent correctly and didn't do anything in particular to jack my back up- the pain was bearable. Acupuncture fucked the equilibrium up.
I think the story of my back is like the story of my life. For a really long time my life was an equilibrium of abuse and bad times coupled with a couple of good times sprinkled in between. Therapy fucks up my equilibrium. That's why I am feeling so much pain and that's why somedays I feel like I can't move. Clinging to my equilibrium has kept me crazy for way to many years. Now its very clear to me that if I want to find happiness it is 100% necessary to change the way I live my life- my equilibrium. And just like with my back- it's rediculously painful. But I'm not gonna give up this time bc I really believe my life depends on it. I really believe I deserve happiness. But doggedly following the same path I've been on my entire life just won't get me there. I know that now.
----------------------
My ma just came home. God forgive me- I just resent her and this family so much. They sit there and ask me "what's wrong" and I know its bc they want to help me- BUT THEY NEVER REALLY HELP ME. I feel like such a piece of shit for saying that. Like the fact that they love me should be good enough for me. Like people like me just don't deserve healthiness. I don't know how much longer I can live surrounded by people like this. They are the only people I see!!!!! How can I believe that healthy people exist if this is all I'm surrounded by? I can't. I have to change that. I have to go against every grain of mine and start doing things that bring me around other people. Everyday I have to make a commitment to myself to do that.
This is so hard. Everyday is so hard. Maybe I should shut down my practice and start applying to other firms just to get out of here. Before I do that I have to give myself a chance to do this soberly. Each day that gets harder and harder.
I am sober today. It wasn't planned- but this was day 1. I'm gonna try my best to have tomorrow be day 2. I don't want to live this way anymore. When I get high I disappoint myself daily. I can't keep disappointing myself. Additionally I only smoke at home so that means I spend more time here which also sucks.
Replies