Hopefully Today will be a Good Day

Well, I made it to his birthday. There were many days during these past three months where I highly doubted he would still be here by now. But he's still here, and today's his birthday. I'm hoping, and praying with everything in me that today will be a peaceful, and truly calm day, for once. That shouldn't be too much to ask for, especially not on his birthday. Yet with him it's like asking him to run a marathon, or climb Mt. Everest for us; at least that's how he acts about it. 

He's been back " this time " a little over three months now. It feels like it's been a little over three years ! That's not a good sign is it ? Shouldn't the time have flown by if it was happy, loving, and peaceful time ? This should be a huge red flag for me that this entire situation is completely wrong for me, but still I cling onto hope still. 

It would be a lot simpler if I was clinging onto hope simply because I " love him " so very much. But it's beyond that now. 

I used to be able to say that I loved him more than anything in the world, but thanks to his completely unpredictable raging fits, cold-hearted things he says to me, and all of the abusive threats he makes towards me when he's raging for no logical reason. How can a person love someone like that ? How can you feel free to give your heart completely to someone that time after time throws it back in your face, and makes you feel like you're the worst person in the world. He has a way of using his hateful words to grind me down so much that I can barely hold my head up, since he's yelling at me like he hates me more than anything else in this world ! According to his raging fits I am lower than a bug, and not worthy to breathe the same air that he breathes. He may not actually say those exact words, but he doesn't have to because what he does say carries that exact meaning. 

As terrible as he is during those raging fits you would think that afterwards he would apologize. Nope ! The closest thing I ever get to an apology is him being silly, and making funny faces at me to try to get me to smile. Smile ! WHO would want to smile after they've just been thoroughly insulted, emotionally and physically threatened, and treated like they're the worst thing next to dog poop !?! 

The kicker to that is that if I dare to point out that he owes me an apology, then he acts like I'm the one in the wrong for mentioning it ! Me ! What a damn nerve ! 

He could still apologize at some point after the " incident ", but oh no he still won't do it ! 

To make matters even worse is when I try to voice my feelings / opinion about something that's been on my mind, then I'm the one that's in the wrong for bringing it up ! Me ! This is after he had said that he does NOT want me to bury my feelings about things. He's said that he wants me to " freely " express what's on my mind. He said that ! If I try to make him live up to this, then I'm trying to pick a fight with him - and ALL I EVER want to do with him is FIGHT ! ... according to him !!! When I try to explain that that is not the truth, and I'm only trying to express my feelings about something. He will get even more enraged, and yell at me to shut the F up ! If I break down and start to cry over it, that only serves to fuel his rage even more. He'll yell, and scream at me to stop crying ! What kind of ass does that ?! But then.... much later on he'll expect me to be all smiles, and loving towards him ! HAHAHAHAHA !!!!       

Is it any wonder that my heart has grown cold towards him ?