Hope
I don't like thinking about my husband's actual death...It was heartbreaking...I came to the hospital and they were taking him to I C U..!everything was bad news and kept getting worse...He is on life support...unconscious....gasping for breath from a oxygen mask...Drs. are grim...Now comes the decision...You can send him to extended care..which meant feeding tube...continue life support...he had pnemonia, septic, evolution and lung infections in and outside...I couldn't grasp how things turned so quickly..he had a bed site too...I had to sign papers to take him off everything...he told before he wouldn't ever want to live that way...This one dr..kept talking about his demise...I feel so guilty that I didn't hold his hand..I couldn't handle watching him die..I have done that 3 times already...Now I feel like I should have...My mind was overwhelmed...The nurses were the best..showing compassion....The doctors not so much....Now as we celebrate Easter I know life doesn't end in the grave...I will see my Rick again...Jesus brings hope and promises to all who follow him and know he is the Saviour.... Thanking God for His Son....
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Just remember you are not alone. God is always with you. That is the only thing that sustains me sometimes. Praying for you.
I've relived those last 14 1/2 hours of Juani's time in the hospital before her death so many times. So many people, songs of worship, with and without a guitar, praise, and so much prayer. So many goodbyes. Nothing planned. Just happened that way. I found myself making sure everyone else was accommodated, and it never dawned on me until after that it should have been just her and I at the last, but there were 3 others that stayed to her end in the room with us. Talking. That's all they did. And I didn't notice until afterward. How my Juani would have loved just peace and quiet. We had done a DNR at the doctors the same afternoon of the night something burst causing her first real pain and she got sick. Really sick. She told me she needed to go to the hospital. That shocked me. Normally, she had to drag herself to the doctor, and I had just figured she'd want to die in our bed. She wanted me to call an ambulance. First time she'd taken any pain medication and yet the doctors were shocked, said pancreatic cancer is one of the most painful. That's how strong our faith was. Just not strong enough for her to be completely healed. Greater purpose. Needed in heaven. But the only thing I can and do grasp is that she ran her race. My race is not yet finished. Absolutely no idea what race I'm even in anymore. Grief has taken its toll on me these past nearly 3 years. I started doing better about a year ago, But it's been hard. I did a whole lot of crazy out of character stuff. And it truly has changed me. Most of my stoicism is gone. And I really just don't sweat the small stuff if I even recognize it as such. Yeah, I could have done her death better myself. But not a one of us can see that at the time, at least I couldn't. It was all surreal at that time, panic, adrenaline, shock, grief, the widow's fog begins as an overload protection mechanism somehow wired into our DNA, But for the widow's fog, I doubt very many of us could have survived the trauma we found ourselves in. So please, put it away and don't beat yourself up over anything. We all do the best we know to do at the time throughout our lives. But in the shock of death, it is only reaction. No thought process allowed. And it that thought process that is so much of our grieving process. Wears our brains out, at least temporarily. You loved him so very much. He knows :) Scott
hugs
Pancreatic cancer took my sister inlaw...Her stomach hurt and the drs. kept saying she had gasritis...She got so bad my brother called a ambulance...The local hospital took her to Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit..The first doctor was going to send her home...Then specialist said no and did some tests and diagonos was Pancreatic Cancer...I know from what she went thru....what your wife had to endure...and you...too...My husband had colon cancer...All that chemo runs a body down and compromises the immune system...I don't think pancreatic cancer treatments are successful..It's relentless....My husband had pancreatitis in 1990 and almost died then..It was digesting itself...I didn't know what they were talking about...He was in the hospital for 3 months...Thanks for replying...It helps..I don't talk about this with my family.....When I start dwelling in the moment...I repeat the beginning of the 23rd Psalm...to He restores my soul...Happy Easter....
You did your best. It is very traumatic to learn about the prospect of your husband leaving you. It was very difficult for me to let go of my love as well. When she was in her last breath from heart congestive failure, her sister, who used to be a nurse, asked us if she could ask for morphine. I knew it was the right decision, but couldn't bare to make that decision. I wished I could tell her "It's OK to leave us. We'll be fine." I couldn't tell her either.
I have no doubt that my husband is with God in his loving arms and Nelson has no more pain and at peace. As much as I miss him that's how much I'm grateful to God for taking away all of his misery and pain. <3