Honor: Is it a good thing?

So I’m sitting here tonight, thinking, which may be good or bad, depending on your frame of mind.  I find that I’m a pretty honorable guy.  I’m loyal to my family and friends, I have a huge heart and care so much about people, their problems and lives, and generally want to help out anyway I can.  I find that I’m eager to please, and want nothing more then to feel needed and wanted. 
Honor however, is the subject of tonight’s entry, so here goes nothing.  I find myself conflicted.  Is honor a good thing to have?  I sit here and ponder this, because I find that the more honorable I am as a person, the easier it is for people to take advantage and manipulate me.  I find that when I have purpose, whether it be to help someone, or remain true to my beliefs and concepts I’ve spent my whole life building, I always get hurt.  I’m not sure why I put myself through this pain, nor why I allow it to continually happen.
As a few of you know, two weeks ago I was contacted by a childhood girlfriend.  I learned some horrible things happened to her, and that she was dying.  While talking, I felt my heart aching for her again, and a lot of repressed memories flooding back to me, and honestly it overwhelmed me.  I was always her knight, and for some reason I felt like it was the honorable thing to reconnect with her.  It appeared to me that me coming back into her life was a dying wish of hers, and due to the past history of our relationship, and my feelings for her, I felt it best to do what I could to give her this wish.
At first, it was magical.  Reconnecting, talking, sharing, it was great.  I saw her for the first time, and she appeared to be on death’s doorstep.  Pulling her close to me, and holding her, seemed to have an amazing effect on her, and seemingly furthered my belief that doing the honorable thing was the best option.  My intentions was to be friends with her, but my heart wanted something different, and shortly there after I wound up falling in love with her again.  We had a lot of history, and it just felt natural.
For the next week, I came over to her house everyday.  I bought flowers for her one day, to show my love to her, and did all I could to assist and help her when I could.  We opened up a bit, and I explained what happened to me for the last 15 years, and she shared with me the same.  Truth be told, the last 15 years was a picnic for me, compared to what she has been through.  Needless to say, it felt right to be there, and honestly I felt like a divine presence was involved.  I’m not one for religious stuff, but I do know I prayed the night before she messaged me to not be alone on my birthday and Christmas, and sure enough the next day she came out of the blue and found me.
Well week 2 starts, and things seem a little different.  I had a great birthday party, and she was there, and that was a ton of fun.  Monday came around, and I got her some roses, to show her my love once again.  We started talking about the future, which while it seemed odd, wasn’t abnormal.  According to her, she only had 3 to 4 months to live, but strangely enough because I was in the picture, maybe she could live for another 5 or 10 years. This sounded strange, but after seeing the effect I was having on her, I felt that maybe it was possible.  It was in God’s hands after all, as she loved to say, and I honestly just prayed that he would give her a second lease on life to enjoy it with me.
Well long story short, for the next few days we were apartment hunting, and working towards that until we realized we couldn’t do it in NJ.  Section 8 and public housing isn’t really an option, as no one wants to put you on a list.  The list is min 3-5 years, so that didn’t seem realistic.  So needless to say, that increased the pressure on me, and increased the depression for her.  Her kids seemed to apply their own pressure to her, with their living conditions, so she wanted to try and rescue them.  It was a strange concept, and I brought to light that we are both disabled, and that might not be a smart idea.  I did however support her idea of it, trying to be an honorable guy, in hopes that I would be capable of doing it for her.  I wanted to do right by her, and her kids, because that is who I am as a person.
So then Thursday happened.  The pressure increased about her coming to stay with me a few nights a week.  My family wasn’t keen on this idea, for their own reasons, and rejected the idea.  This upset her, and she started to apply guilt on me about it.  Feeling guilty, I came home that night, to try and resolve the issues, and to work towards her coming overnight.  Sadly however, I wasn’t quick enough.  She had to post something out for the public to see, and wound up including my families decision, and being a bit harsh on them for their decision. 
It undid all the effort I put in to try and resolve the issue, let alone destroyed her creditability as this demonstrated her trying to control me.  I wound up in a fight with her.  She disrespected me and my family, and I was hurt by it.  We fought all night, and into the morning.  Things got worse because I wasn’t there that day, and she then started using her health as part of the reason.  Since I was unable to deliver her wishes, as an honorable knight should, her health was decreasing due to the unhappiness. She was using her illness to manipulate me into trying harder, which did work for a little.
I found a way over and sat down and talked to her, and resolved it all.  Or at least I thought I did.  I wound up going out with a friend later that evening to go bowling, and a few hours later, come to discover that she posted again, only this time, insulting me, and saying that all I did earlier meant nothing.  I was sure I was in love with her, and wanted to make it work, and just wanted to be happy with her.  Apparently my head wasn’t screwed on, or I didn’t know what I wanted, and that started a really big fight, and is now the reason I’m no longer with her.
She betrayed my honor, by using it against me.  She felt the need to control me, and manipulate me with my own words and honor, to her benefit, and I saw right through it.  The pressure was too much, and it would appear I couldn’t live up to her standards, or her desires.  I found myself sacrificing my time with my friends, and with my family, for her, even sacrificing my health for her, and that didn’t seem to matter all that much.  She wanted more. 
It ultimately ended last night, because my health didn’t matter to her.  It didn’t matter that I was so low due to the stress of this, that it was becoming dangerous.  It didn’t matter that my heart was breaking.  Anytime it got brought up, she used her illness and death against me as a way to defend herself.  While I will openly admit that her health is far worse then mine, using it as a weapon is very unfair and dishonorable as far as I’m concerned.  I honestly got tired of hearing about how her needs were more important then mine, and her lying to me about how she wasn’t controlling me through this guilt. 
For logic’s sake, if I made her too unhappy, she could die, is the way she put it.  If I couldn’t keep her happy, there was a chance the euphoria feelings would fade some, and her heart and lungs would give out, or her organs, or her brain, or any other number of things wrong with her.  How can one, even as honorable as me, handle that kind of pressure and guilt.  Knowing that because we were fighting, and because I couldn’t give her what she wanted, there was the chance of her dying. 
She threatened suicide at least 4-5 times, and honestly, I felt horrible inside.  My honor and heart was compelling me to reverse course and to run back and save her.  To save her from herself, from her own torture and suffering.  But as I thought about it, what would I be sacrificing if I did that?  Wouldn’t I be dishonorable to myself, for not taking care of myself?  All this built up inside, until I couldn’t take anymore, and said I couldn’t do this, and that I had to let her go.  I feel horrible right now about it all, I feel like I betrayed her, and myself.  I feel I’m not an honorable man anymore, due to my weakness.
What I don’t understand, is how half a day’s worth of time everyday wasn’t enough.  I don’t follow how I could of loved her anymore, or shown her any more desire and love then I did.  It pains me now, to be without her, as my heart feels crushed under my own decision.  I ended things, out of protection for myself.  The last 2 or so days I’ve been severely sick.  Caffeine and a ton of rest is the only way I’ve functioned the last 2 days, but I’ve been paralyzed, I’ve almost fallen, and for the first time in months, I needed my walker to get around.
I realize that what she has done to me is dangerous for my health, and that is why I had to leave.  But I feel like I broke my code of honor once again, out of fear.  Amy did horrible things to me psychologically, and her ways of control were so bad, that I seriously fear it.  There are things I am unable to share, but lets say Amy has screwed me up in just about all aspects of my life.  I’m programmed for her, and don’t work in another relationship the way I should.  This bugs me, but I need to work on that.
So after all that, I still sit here wondering why I had to be honorable in the first place.  Why didn’t I just run away like any normal person?  Everyone I’ve talked to has told me that I wasn’t very smart with dating a dying person.  They could understand why I was doing it, but didn’t think it was a good idea.  I however, felt such a push to do this.  Whether it be God’s divine intervention, my own loyalty to her from 15 years ago, to just being so lonely without someone special in my life, I felt that push.  I sit and watch all my friends in love, and it makes me sad that I can’t partake in such things.
I used to have love I think.  I at least at the time believed I was in love, and when we did things as couples, it was great.  Tonight, for instance, I felt like the odd man out.  I was the only one without someone special in my life, and for some reason that bugged me.  Not to take away from anyone that is my friend, but I felt weird inside.  I miss love, I miss the comfort of another person.  I’m very happy and excited that all my friends have love in their life, whether they call it that or not.  I’m glad they are all happy, and can laugh, and tickle each other, and be silly, and enjoy the luxury that is being with someone.
So for me, I feel like I’m at a crossroads.  Do I stay the honorable person I am, who would do anything for anyone, or do I try to change into something a bit different.  My major vulnerability is my honor and loyalty.  Through them, it is easy to control me, easy to get me around your finger, and eventually in the case of Amy, make me your slave.  I was once a knight, who went from a honorable position to a slave.  Begging to do something, always having to ask permission, always being disciplined for my actions if they didn’t conform to Amy’s will.  I don’t want to go down that road again.  I don’t wish to be someone’s slave, or at least I don’t think I want to be.
If I change, what do I change into I wonder.  Is it possible to turn into an Alpha personality if you are definitely a beta?  Can the submissive be a dominant?  Can the passive be assertive?  All questions I think I need to find out.  The vulnerability must be repaired, otherwise no matter who I’m with, I will head down the same road I traveled just 7 months ago.  It’s strange, looking back at all the memories and times I spent with Amy.
All the memories, and all the joy and happiness, only to realize that behind closed doors, life was misery.  I never really thought about the punishments, never really cared about being yelled at for falling, or the pity and disgrace she showed me when I was weak and sick.  Her treating me like a slave seemed to be her way of keeping me safe, and making life simple.  But it turns out, that all I was to her was a puppet.  Strange how, up until recently, I thought that was what a relationship was.
Being free of the punishments, and disgrace, life feels better.  I feel like I’m free from all that burden, and suffering.  But at the same time, life feels so chaotic.  I know it is strange, but Amy’s control had a way of making my life easier.  I knew the rules, I knew what I was allowed and wasn’t allowed to do.  I knew what happened if I didn’t listen.  After awhile, I actually enjoyed the punishment.  I’ve often wondered if that makes me a sick person.  I truly wonder what kind of damage she has done to me, and if I will ever be able to get over it.  While I realize there is a lifestyle solely dedicated to this sort of thing, I don’t see how someone like me fits into it.  I don’t see how if I knew about it, I would be happy with it.
I do wonder however, if that pattern will ever be broken.  Am I capable of anything other then being someone’s slave or pet?  Being sick, and disabled, who would really want to take on me, without controlling my actions.  Am I reckless in my pursuits of happiness?  More concepts for me to figure out, and only more questions then I will ever get answers.  It truly does suck to be me sometimes.  A brilliant mind, trapped in a decaying body, with his own thoughts, that never stop.  So many questions about the world, about people, about life, and no one but me that can even fathom answers.  No one understands me, and when I talk and share, people look at me in disapproval.  I wonder if I will ever change.  I wonder, if change is what I really want.  I wonder, if what Amy gave me is what I actually seek, or if I want to be normal.  So much wonder, and yet so much doubt.