Honesty and vulnerability

I recently applied for SSDI (SSI or just "disability" to many, many people I know) and had my telehealth appointment with a partnered psychologist for the Social Security Administration today. Being honest with a brand new person regarding my mental health struggles was, to be completely honest, terrifying. I'm very, very good at holding things in and hiding my true feelings regarding an incident or a situation because I'm always worried about how someone else involved will feel about or what they might say about my feelings or actions and its truly an exhausting way to live. My dad has, his entire 73 years, had a "F**k them, live your life and who cares what they think/say" attitude and I really, really wish I had inherited that innate spirit, but for me not giving a damn is a cultivated action, however making people think I don't give a damn is a really great bit of part acting that I do constantly.

I was completely honest about trauma I suffered during my childhood and how it affects my day-to-day even now, decades later. I was honest about feeling useless and like I'm dragging everyone down and being a burden due to my physical ailments and my depressive episodes. I was honest when she asked what sort of things trigger my anxiety and depression and told her its mainly worrying about day-to-day survival, keeping a roof over my kids' heads, food on the table, keeping them clothed, having a safe, reliable automobile that I don't have to worry about making payments on. I was honest about my past alcoholism and addiction issues and how I'm in long-term recovery and that the stress lately has me thinking about picking up alcohol again and that I need to get back to going to in person recovery meetings.

I spent a lot of this morning worried about and projecting over the appointment. There was no need. I just reminded myself that honesty, in ALL situations, is the best policy and to always do the "next right thing, no matter what." This afternoon I am giving myself time to decompress and do a little retail therapy at the thrift store, possibly getting my daughters some comfy leggings for fall and maybe some cozy sweatshirts or hoodies. Have a great afternoon everyone! ODAAT! :)