Honesty
I haven't been on in a while, a long while. I have withdrawn as much as possible from life in general. I don't even cry anymore. It's like the pain has gone underground, out of sight, but there non the less and I have not been able to get a break from it for several months now. It occurred to me it might be because of my withdrawal, isolating myself the way I have.
For a couple of years there were ups and downs, which was hard enough, yet the past few months have been nothing but down. My only distraction is reading...I spend hundreds of dollars on books for my kindle besides all the free books I get having Kindle Unlimited. I read very fast, and need lots and lots of distraction.
Here, the only place I can be honest without being hospitalyzed, I can admit I have been planning my own exit. Knowing the pain it would cause my loved ones, it just isn't enough anymore to distract me from wanting to escape this unyielding pain that I have swallowed deeply. I have found that, in speaking to other parents who lost their children to suicide, every single one has either attempted, succeeded, or seriously considered and planned their own suicide. I wonder if it is something ingrained in our chemistry that we passed on to our children, the desire to die.
What I would like from you, please, is honesty. I know there are not many parents of suicide victims in the group, but to the mothers who have lost their children other ways...have you considered it??
Replies
Yes, Gina I have. The first 3 years I was always thinking about starting the car in the garage with the motor running. I would go back and forth with it. I finally decided about 3 yrs. into my journey that it wasn't an option anymore. With my luck, I might not succeed and be a burden on my loved ones. But I've not been to a Gynecologist in about 6 yrs and my cardiologist in about 8 yrs. I figure let nature take it's course.
Dearest Gina, I too in the early days of this path thought about starting the car and letting the motor run. What stopped me was worrying that the fumes would get under the back door and into the house and take my beloved animals too. I could not handle that thought and it was the first most tangible one that I had even before my own family. It might seem crazy, odd, whatever, yet being able to talk about it as you are with other moms on FMO and a few of my other friends made me realize that I just could not do it to my family. The agony of imagining them as I tried to do helped me to move past the thought of actually putting a plan into place.
Gina, I hope with all of my heart that you continue to reach out and seek whatever help that you need and know that you matter first to yourself and then to so many. What I hear speaking in your journal is depression and it needs expression as you are giving it in your journal. You are not alone in your thoughts, feelings and in your deep anguish. Keep writing, checking in and knowing that there are heart tethers here that bind us forever. How you feel matters as do you.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Dearest Gina, I have tried to commit suicide a few times when I was young, before I got married. Twice I came very close to succeeding. The last time I seriously considered it, was when my late husband was still sick with cancer. At that time we were staying with my in-laws. I took care of my late husband and Colleen, without any help from my in-laws. My husband and his family made my life super miserable and difficult!! So I decided to end my life and take Colleen with me. I planned to drive off a nearby cliff at high speed on the Monday. So on Sunday Colleen and I went to church. A strange thing happened: Colleen got up and joined the choir infront! While everyone was singing, I suddenly heard God saying to me: "Who are you to interfere with God's work? God has not finished His purpose with Colleen's life yet". I cried through the rest of the service, and abandoned my plan. Yes, I often had those thoughts again after Colleen passed, but everytime I remembered God's words to me, and eventually I decided that I will not try it ever again. I have withdrawn from my family and my in-laws, and just focus on my work now. And I live just one day at a time.
I never made a plan...but I did fanaticize about dying, but not to leave my pain, but more about how joyful it would be to be with my son...
During those thoughts I would try to visualize a reunion, but then would be brought back to the reality of my family and friends...would I not be putting them in more pain? Who would take care of my arrangements? Nurture my pets, my flowers and gardens? It was then that I knew the answer...it would be me. I chose to not only exist, but to live again...this was the beginning...but it took many years to feel that I was. There are times I have to do an inventory of my beliefs, my goals, relationships...as I do not have the stamina that I once did. I know that some of that is age, but it is also what I call my batteries...I need to recharge frequently...maybe it is a day of silence--no tv, radio, phone or computer or guests...maybe it is a day at the beach...maybe an afternoon of movie marathons curled up in bed--sometimes a good book or a drive.
My new re-charge is driving to Washington this year for the retreat by myself...leaving in a week or so and will come back when I feel like it...just going to enjoy the scenery and picked a couple places that I always wanted to see that others never wanted to go to. I do have some business to do there (WA) with my home, but the rest is play. I am going to a couple of concerts--Jack Johnson and John Mayer and a couple of National Parks that I have not been to along the way. I have driven it before alone, but always was in a hurry--moving, etc.
Gina--you are loved and admired. You are beautiful and so intelligent and have the most beautiful heart...keep reaching out, treading water and swimming! You will find your way, as we all do.
Gina, for me, although I didn't necessarily want to be alive after Eddie died, I did not consider suicide. I had reasons why I would not. First, I felt that I needed to live to be the keeper of Ed's memory and to honor his life by living for him. My faith truly saved me from "going there" because I know I will see Eddie again. When I first learned Eddie has passed I vowed to him I would help finish his job of parenting his kids. They were teenagers at the time. Also, I'm very stubborn & life kicked me hard in the teeth & there was no way it was gonna win. I determined to survive. Had no idea how. Still figuring it out. But I do have faith that healing is possible. I know that you are loved by many, including me. Please choose life. Continue to talk to us, use distractions like reading (I do when it's too heard to think or feel). And you are the one who tells dearest Cassi ' s story. Maybe that's what we moms are all here for after our child passes? Love and tight hugs, Linda
I never thought of suicide but I did envision dying to be reunited with Mike, I was always in an accident of some kind. In reality I have a daughter and grandkids to keep me alive. Without them I do not know where I would be now.
I do hope your way out of this funk you are in. The world needs you. You must believe you have a purpose to be on this earth it just has not been revealed to you yet.
Tight hugs Penny
Hi Gina,
I attempted suicide once in my life when Jennifer was in mddle school. My life was spiraling out of control, Jennifer's life was spiraling out of control, and after months of trying to deal with me, deal with her, I took a handful of pills....spent one night in hospital after being given charcoal, years of counseling after.....the pain that I saw in my mom's face hurt me more than ever.....the damage that it did to Jennifer was life long.....to me @ that moment I felt like I just wanted the pain to end......
I am a Christian and that certainly wasn't the "Christian thing to do" but @ that moment I didn't think of any of the above....I was tired, hurt, and literally believed that no-one would miss me, no-one would care, and everyone else could deal with the problems.....SIGH
Jennifer attempted suicide twice in her high school days.....as a parent, it messes you up....somehow we could have prevented it, right? So even though Jennifer died because of Cancer, and her suicide attempts were years before and mine was years before - the devastation I can still remember.....I believe it's a selfish act - I say that because I was only thinking of myself...I wanted to end MY PAIN. jENNIFER wanted to end HER PAIN. I don't believe that the thought of others enters in to it (maybe for a moment) but the pain is so deep and all consuming that you really aren't thinking about anyone else.
I can't even begin to imagine how you feel as Cassi's mom, knowing that Cassi left this earth. I know you couldn't have stopped it, even though we think we could have. The heart ache you have and the deep deep sadness that you feel for your precious daughter is unimaginable....I am so so sorry....I pray that you will choose life, You are loved. I love what LInda says, tell Cassi's story. No-one can talk about Cassi like YOU her mom.
I miss my Jennifer everyday. She was my one and only. Some days I can't breathe, some days I hurt so bad - I have made peace with myself and I think that is important. As mom's we hold onto the things we could have, should have done and really it doesn't matter now. Make peace with yourself and know you are Cassi's mom - mistakes and all - no-one loves Cassi more than you, her mom.
Gina, you are beautiful - your heart is so beautiful and honest. I pray nothing I've said will offend you - that is not my intent.
Love you, Cassi's mom from Jennifer's mom, always.
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I am so sorry that you are feeling such pain. I truly hope you choose life.
I think most of us have entertained the idea of suicide. I certainly did. It was Joe, my son and granddaughter who kept me here. Andrew and I both suffer from depression. We made a pact to stay alive. I wish there was a way to make it better.
Love and tight caring hugs M