Honesty
This journal is inspired by Joanie's!!! Thank you Joanie!!!
I am estranged from my father and step-mother because they disapproved of the way I had Cassi dressed in her casket. Of all things...Of all times...sigh...my step-mother called the pastor at the church I grew up in in another room and then led me to believe Cassi could not have a church funeral dressed the way she was. It wasn't true, I called the pastor's wife after it was all over and found out that had never been said. All of my plans had to be changed at the very last minute from where the funeral would be held to where she would be buried. All this drama when I was struggling to breathe, my baby had died...by her own hand. Well, I was furious, white-hot rage. I took to Facebook and aired a lifetime of injustices I felt had been rained down on me and my child by those two. Not only that, we were furiously sending private messages back and forth and I cc'd them to everyone I knew and they knew. I wanted to expose their hypocrisy as I saw it. It was ugly.
To add insult to injury, they didn't come to the funeral. Cassi was my father's first grandchild, but they have 3 more granddaughters from their biological daughter, my half sister. My older sister and I refer to our little sister as the "real daughter" and her children an the "real grandchildren", because that was how they made us feel our whole lives.
A few weeks later, my older sister wanted to go talk to them. I really didn't understand why, but I told her I would go with her for moral support although I had nothing more to say to them. My sister had written notes to get out what she needed to get out. I still don't know if she was looking for understanding or closure. They denied everything and our father told us that basically we were disowned unless or until we apologized to his wife.
Two and a half years later it still bothers me. I want to know it bothers them, but I am pretty sure it doesn't and as Joanie said, indifference is the most painful.
My mother's husband, Pops, tells me I still have to honor him as my father.
Everything spiritual tells me I have to forgive them, even though they have not asked for forgiveness or admitted to doing anything wrong.
I wish I would get an unmistakable instruction from Spirit on how to resolve this, or at least how to let it go.
Should I try to contact them??? Talk to them??? Try harder to find forgiveness in my heart??? Even though I know they will never love me the way I want them to???
Replies
Oh my friend. At one point in my life I was hit with a sledge hammer in regards to what I believed I needed (acknowledgement and an apology) from my Mom. I didn't get it but after the dust settled I did find it in my being to let it go as I knew it was only hurting and eating away at me. Not her. I was not able to forgive her or what she had said but what I did was realize was that her demons were her own and I didn't have to play that game. Our relationship was never one of love or bonding but rather, on my side, simply honor. I can only imagine what had happened to her to make her the way she was and I didn't need to follow that same path.
Your need for justification, to hear your parents say that they are sorry will probably never happen. I really wonder what happened to them to make them so selfish and cruel? I know a little bit about my Mom's past and boy, can I identify with where her cruel streak could've come from. And so I let it go. I never did hear her apologize. Her way was to deny. I slowly was able to let it go because I could've drown in it. Your parents, I'm sorry to say sound like Mom and the denial.
One of my favorite sayings... Not my circus, not my monkeys.
We have so much to carry, so much to live with. Taking on our parents burdens should never be something needed.
Tightest of hugs, hand in hand... Merrilee
I am sorry your family was so insensitive, cruel and really wrong to cause a fuss at YOUR daughter's funeral. Obviously, they are not nice people. Nor emphathetic...It's tough to have that kind of family. Makes painful times worse. Makes me mad, too. We are in so much pain, all we need is understanding, patience, and love. Good luck with your dad and step-mom. They can't do it. That's the truth. Write it down somewhere. You can't expect a cat to bark. Love You, Abby
I have no advice for this Gina...I guess the thought that comes to mind, is that it is YOUR heart that is heavy--whether their's is or not...yours is. If you are asking the questions, you must need answers or closure of some sort. When my marriage dissolved, I took responsibility for what I knew was my wrongs and hoped he would forgive and at least understand me...he did not, probably never will, but I felt a huge weight off me...I still regret the ending of my marriage, but it is what it is. We have been able to talk on a few occasions this this year via email and phone w/o hostility, so that is of great comfort to me.
I guess what I am saying, is that you will have to search to find answers to your questions and I hope you find answers...Love ya, Ann
I remember you sharing this situation and oh, the hurt that it caused an already obliterated heart. It was the last thing that you needed at such a horrific time, yet it was what happened. Deepest of sighs...
I agree that the forgiveness is for yourself first, just like the honesty is. To try to have others see a situation as we do may never happen, yet for me it was worth the risk of sharing how I felt. Sometimes it's not and things left as they are is the best for all involved. Whatever happens just like Ann said it's trying to find comfort and make peace with what is, not how you wish it could or might be.
For over a year I have offered this to Spirit and sent loving kindness and healing to my sister and asked for it for me as well. Finally, it became clear as to the steps I needed to take and because I was coming from my heart and not from anger I believe it could be received as such. No matter what the outcome was I needed this for me.
As Tosha Silver an author I love says, "We know what we know without knowing how we do know." You will be given guidance and even if feels like "nothing" that was my guidance just to let it BE for now. I trusted and had to be patient that even if it felt like "nothing" was happening, it's like a root system underneath for a tree, much was happening and would make itself known at the perfect right time.
Gentle and loving care sweet Gina and again, I am SO sorry for the hurt that was brought to you over something that should have never happened. They were coming from fear and "worrying" about what others would think rather than BEing with you and loving Cassi and you.
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie
Oh Gina. How awful. Forgiveness is not for the perpetrator. I believe it is for oneself. I think we can forgive but never forget. It does eat at you when your own father is so cruel. I forgave my son-in-law. I won't forget some of the things he did, but if he chooses to reach out, I am here. We will have to cross paths in November when my granddaughter becomes the mother of twins.
I am not sure how they do it, but some people really don't recognize the damage their behaviour is causing. I have a sister who blatantly favored 2 of her 5 children, but really did not see it. For what it is worth, the ones she didn't spoil are terrific people. Just know that you are not alone.
Tight hugs, Marlene
Wow.... Just unbelievably sad and horrible that they would do and say and act so...shameful. I'm so very sorry.
I had a dad who was a child molester, a wife beater, a drunk, an adulterer, and let's see, what am I forgetting....??? I SO wanted him to SEE, to KNOW the pain he'd caused....but he never did; never could. Wasn't in him to see truth. I ached to have a daddy love me....to live what I dreamed was a normal life. Over and over I begged, and fought, to no avail. I finally realized, once I was grown of course, the only choice I had was to sever the relationship. I did. I hadn't seen him or spoken to him in 20 years when I read his obituary in the newspaper. I was listed as his deceased daughter. I did attend his funeral. I'd promised myself I would...and when I did, I'd spit in the casket. I did not. I simply stood over the body of a man I once loved and said, "it could have been so different".....then I turned and walked away.
Forgiveness took Y E A R S....and truth be told, I not 100% certain I've forgiven him for everything he did to me. BUT....it is a gift I chose to give ME, not him.
I wrote many letters to him through the years. Letters that I never mailed. I wrote....then threw them away. For me, the important part was getting it out of my spirit. I screamed and cursed and cried poor pitiful me. I vented it all out. Then, it was done. For me, I found the most and the only solace I will find earth side where he is concerned. I moved on. Found my strength and built a life I am proud of, without shame of my past.
I won! He lost.
I know it's not apples to apples, and how could it be? We are two different people, from two different families, facing two different situations. But the heart of it is the same. And I DO feel your pain AND your anger. Boy oh boy, am I GOOD at anger!!! But it doesn't serve me, with the exception that it shows me what I need to work on and purge from myself.
We can never make anyone do anything. Can't make them understand, see, or care about any situation through our eyes/heart. And we can't change anyone. Can't make them do or be... God knows I've tried!!!!
Maybe writing letters will also help you get it out, although it sounds like you have written and shared your truth, so it may not help further. I truly do not know what your answer is....but somewhere inside you, you already have your answer.
Wish I could hug you right now~
I have been blessed in my life as not to experience what you have gone through. I do believe what others have said my help you figure out what is best for you. Forgive yourself then resolve to forgive or not to forgive your Dad. You my dear are the important one in this story, do what your heart says.
Tight hugs
Penny