Homework part 2
Ok ya'll make me smile first off :) And having you along for the ride with me on this journey is more than I could have asked for, my own cheering section :) Thanks all.
So I thought I'd introduce you to the little girl inside me, while also helping me get more in touch with her. She feels unwanted, unloved, and unlovable. She thinks she has to be and tries so hard to be perfect. Sometimes she thinks she succeeds at that, but most times she feels like a failure.
She is confused by love. Her mother tells her she loves her, and tells he she wishes she was never born. Her mommy tells her she loves her and hits her and tells her that her father never wanted her and wanted to kill her. The little girl has no concept of abortion and imagines a faceless man kicking the door down with a rifle in his hand wanting to shoot her. But her mommy says she loves her.
Her daddy whom she knows isn't really her daddy tells her he loves her. And he hits her. Sometimes with his hands, sometimes with his belt, sometimes with his crutch or his cane. He tells her he loves her, but she thinks he hates her.
Her grandpa tells her he loves her. When he sneaks up behind her when she's playing with the kittens in the barn, and fondles her , he tells her he loves her. When she spends nights with gma and gpa and he sneaks into her room at night he tells her he loves her and will never hurt her like "those boys" will. She is 9,10,11,12,13,14. As she gets older she realizes it isn't intercourse, just lot of groping and dry humping, but it isn't love. She also thinks that even though she doesnt want it, that because she can't stop it she is going to hell.
She even thinks that God must not love her. She is not worthy of real love. No matter how good her grades are. Or clean her room is. Or how many mornings she cleans up the broken dishes that mom threw at dad last night when they were fighting. No matter how much she tries to care for her brother and sisters, or do the laundry. No matter how many talent shows and dance competitions and cheerleading stunts and softball homeruns she never felt noticed or loved.
She feels like a failure, because the people who say they love her don't protect her, in fact hurt her, and no matter how many tasks or good works she does,she can't make them love her like they do her brother and sisters.
But she keeps trying. She has spunk, she has fight, she is stubborn, and she loves. Again and again and again. And feeling failure again and again and again.
Ok I'll call this first meeting, took me longer to articulate some of it, and now I have to jet, we have softball camp today:
ttfn
So I thought I'd introduce you to the little girl inside me, while also helping me get more in touch with her. She feels unwanted, unloved, and unlovable. She thinks she has to be and tries so hard to be perfect. Sometimes she thinks she succeeds at that, but most times she feels like a failure.
She is confused by love. Her mother tells her she loves her, and tells he she wishes she was never born. Her mommy tells her she loves her and hits her and tells her that her father never wanted her and wanted to kill her. The little girl has no concept of abortion and imagines a faceless man kicking the door down with a rifle in his hand wanting to shoot her. But her mommy says she loves her.
Her daddy whom she knows isn't really her daddy tells her he loves her. And he hits her. Sometimes with his hands, sometimes with his belt, sometimes with his crutch or his cane. He tells her he loves her, but she thinks he hates her.
Her grandpa tells her he loves her. When he sneaks up behind her when she's playing with the kittens in the barn, and fondles her , he tells her he loves her. When she spends nights with gma and gpa and he sneaks into her room at night he tells her he loves her and will never hurt her like "those boys" will. She is 9,10,11,12,13,14. As she gets older she realizes it isn't intercourse, just lot of groping and dry humping, but it isn't love. She also thinks that even though she doesnt want it, that because she can't stop it she is going to hell.
She even thinks that God must not love her. She is not worthy of real love. No matter how good her grades are. Or clean her room is. Or how many mornings she cleans up the broken dishes that mom threw at dad last night when they were fighting. No matter how much she tries to care for her brother and sisters, or do the laundry. No matter how many talent shows and dance competitions and cheerleading stunts and softball homeruns she never felt noticed or loved.
She feels like a failure, because the people who say they love her don't protect her, in fact hurt her, and no matter how many tasks or good works she does,she can't make them love her like they do her brother and sisters.
But she keeps trying. She has spunk, she has fight, she is stubborn, and she loves. Again and again and again. And feeling failure again and again and again.
Ok I'll call this first meeting, took me longer to articulate some of it, and now I have to jet, we have softball camp today:
ttfn
Replies
Aww, sweetheart, that was so sad, to read, and expecially sad to experience. You are a marvel, and defy , all the laws! Somehow, someway, you still came out great, even though you experienced so much dang betrayal, and abandonment.
I\'m sorry sweetie, for all you endured. Makes me want to be a Buddhist, and become reincarnated, with a special power, to turn back the hands of time, and be your Mommie! But, it can\'t be, so as we talked, you have to be your own mentor, advocate, and loving mom to yourself all rolled up in one, to help that little girl heal! Therapy, of course works wonders, in time too! I\'m glad you are getting it! Take care sweetie, you are wonderful in my book!
And, as I have said a million times. We are a product of our environment, our dysfunctional family. Yet once we process the pain, and it is deep (often times passing the line into post traumatic stress disorder), and takes time to really process. We do it in our heads, easily, espciallyif you are abstract, analytical, and a survivor, but that pain keeps on coming up for a reason, it still isn\'t \"clean enough\" to put away.
Then add an infidelity from our H, and he repeats that same dang theme (abandonment and betrayal), and it does retrigger, and resurface the PTSD. I\'ve had that happen, and I think it\'s happening to you! So the Indepe. therapy is a must. I\'m glad I got it before the betrayal, cuz it gave me a few years to process and a headstart. But amazing how they can really intertwine and affect you so much, it brings up the past like yesterday!
I get it girl, and I feel it, for you! You know you can call anytime!