Homework part 2
Ok ya'll make me smile first off :) And having you along for the ride with me on this journey is more than I could have asked for, my own cheering section :) Thanks all.
So I thought I'd introduce you to the little girl inside me, while also helping me get more in touch with her. She feels unwanted, unloved, and unlovable. She thinks she has to be and tries so hard to be perfect. Sometimes she thinks she succeeds at that, but most times she feels like a failure.
She is confused by love. Her mother tells her she loves her, and tells he she wishes she was never born. Her mommy tells her she loves her and hits her and tells her that her father never wanted her and wanted to kill her. The little girl has no concept of abortion and imagines a faceless man kicking the door down with a rifle in his hand wanting to shoot her. But her mommy says she loves her.
Her daddy whom she knows isn't really her daddy tells her he loves her. And he hits her. Sometimes with his hands, sometimes with his belt, sometimes with his crutch or his cane. He tells her he loves her, but she thinks he hates her.
Her grandpa tells her he loves her. When he sneaks up behind her when she's playing with the kittens in the barn, and fondles her , he tells her he loves her. When she spends nights with gma and gpa and he sneaks into her room at night he tells her he loves her and will never hurt her like "those boys" will. She is 9,10,11,12,13,14. As she gets older she realizes it isn't intercourse, just lot of groping and dry humping, but it isn't love. She also thinks that even though she doesnt want it, that because she can't stop it she is going to hell.
She even thinks that God must not love her. She is not worthy of real love. No matter how good her grades are. Or clean her room is. Or how many mornings she cleans up the broken dishes that mom threw at dad last night when they were fighting. No matter how much she tries to care for her brother and sisters, or do the laundry. No matter how many talent shows and dance competitions and cheerleading stunts and softball homeruns she never felt noticed or loved.
She feels like a failure, because the people who say they love her don't protect her, in fact hurt her, and no matter how many tasks or good works she does,she can't make them love her like they do her brother and sisters.
But she keeps trying. She has spunk, she has fight, she is stubborn, and she loves. Again and again and again. And feeling failure again and again and again.
Ok I'll call this first meeting, took me longer to articulate some of it, and now I have to jet, we have softball camp today:
ttfn
So I thought I'd introduce you to the little girl inside me, while also helping me get more in touch with her. She feels unwanted, unloved, and unlovable. She thinks she has to be and tries so hard to be perfect. Sometimes she thinks she succeeds at that, but most times she feels like a failure.
She is confused by love. Her mother tells her she loves her, and tells he she wishes she was never born. Her mommy tells her she loves her and hits her and tells her that her father never wanted her and wanted to kill her. The little girl has no concept of abortion and imagines a faceless man kicking the door down with a rifle in his hand wanting to shoot her. But her mommy says she loves her.
Her daddy whom she knows isn't really her daddy tells her he loves her. And he hits her. Sometimes with his hands, sometimes with his belt, sometimes with his crutch or his cane. He tells her he loves her, but she thinks he hates her.
Her grandpa tells her he loves her. When he sneaks up behind her when she's playing with the kittens in the barn, and fondles her , he tells her he loves her. When she spends nights with gma and gpa and he sneaks into her room at night he tells her he loves her and will never hurt her like "those boys" will. She is 9,10,11,12,13,14. As she gets older she realizes it isn't intercourse, just lot of groping and dry humping, but it isn't love. She also thinks that even though she doesnt want it, that because she can't stop it she is going to hell.
She even thinks that God must not love her. She is not worthy of real love. No matter how good her grades are. Or clean her room is. Or how many mornings she cleans up the broken dishes that mom threw at dad last night when they were fighting. No matter how much she tries to care for her brother and sisters, or do the laundry. No matter how many talent shows and dance competitions and cheerleading stunts and softball homeruns she never felt noticed or loved.
She feels like a failure, because the people who say they love her don't protect her, in fact hurt her, and no matter how many tasks or good works she does,she can't make them love her like they do her brother and sisters.
But she keeps trying. She has spunk, she has fight, she is stubborn, and she loves. Again and again and again. And feeling failure again and again and again.
Ok I'll call this first meeting, took me longer to articulate some of it, and now I have to jet, we have softball camp today:
ttfn
Replies
What a sad situation for this little girl. I am glad you are here for her to help her heal. We are all here too.
Kansas, you can teach that little girl that the adults in her life had no idea what love is. You can also teach her that no one is perfect and that God absolutely loves her. He created her. You can tell her that human beings sometimes make huge mistakes and the mistakes they make are not her fault. They make mistakes because they are human, but some people are more broken than others. The adults in her life were extremely broken people. Give her a big hug, tell her you love her and tell her that it is ok to not be perfect. The only thing that is expected of us in this life is that we keep learning. Tell that little girl that the bad things that happened to her were NOT HER FAULT. The adults were broken...but she doesn\'t have to be! I\'m sending lots of hugs and love to that little girl!
Give that little girl and great big hug! And tell that is group of people here are never going to hurt her...we are here to help her heal and grow and learn! hugs!!! with tears in my eyes :(
That little girl endured the backlash of poorly raised broken and confuse adults. Sit down with her and write her a letter from the great mother you are. Let her know that she will grow up to be a strong and amazing woman with a beautiful family. Tell her that the pain she has endured were never her fault
Oh, how I want to hug that little girl and tell her she is going to be okay because she\'s safe now and is truly loved. In fact, she is now surrounded by a loving group who will do everything to help her heal.
Look how that little girl endured. She grew up to not repeat those same mistakes people in her life made. She is strong, kind and very smart. This had to be hard to write and I am sending you a hug and lots of love.
I\'m so sorry that girl had to learn from the people who mattered most to her what love was NOT. Sometimes that\'s all people can do is show us what to avoid. I hope she doesn\'t believe that God hates her or wanted this to happen to her...God\'s heart was the first to break when those entrusted with her care let her down and let Him down. But He has always been with her, always loved her, always looked for ways to bless her and show her the light when she was in dark places. Many ((hugs)) for you, my friend.
Sending sooooooo many hugs to that \"little girl\"
Kansas, I went through the same thing as a child,except the sexual abuse. I thought I had buried it away. It has resurfacecd since dday with a vengance. I know your pain.
I like Pony\'s idea of writing a letter from the perspective of the mother you are now.
You guys are amazing L:)
Lis, that is exactly right, this stuff that I thought I had put away is now magnified ten thousand times after the A, and loling at me.
Ok a little clean-up:
As for homework for H, he is to help come up with a plan for anniversary and his biggest assignment is to push me to opening up more. Not let me off the hook just because its easier for him not to deal. So when he says are you ok and I say I\'m fine he\'s to not let me get away with that.
Because that is what has been happening a lot lately,,,\"what\'s wrong?\" , \"Nothing\"
I did a little grumbling at mc this week about how so much of the ession seems to revolve around me and not the A or the M. He said he is treating this as 50% ic and 50% mc, and in a pie chart how much is the A really contributing to my feelings of failure and being unloved? A small part, the A was just the straw that broke the camels back so to speak, and we will get there. And that we will transition from mc and ic for me to mc and ic for him. His baggage will come out,, so far it\'s just been a few travel cases on his side :)
I grumbled and told C exactly what you said Z~ \"Come on, I\'m 42 years old I can\'t blame my parents for all my crap!\" lol. He said I am just learning to connect the dots, and to reparent myself and heal those old wounds so I can truly move on.
Apparently all these years when my brain told me that I forgave them , I understood them, and that I was over it, I was wrong. All the stuff I knew intellectually, but I hadn\'t dealt with on an emotional level. Instead of that little girl coming out into the sunlight and shining, I locked her away and it\'s been slowly killing her and me in the process.
I think part of my \'unpacking the luggage\" will be just kind of brainstorming all the bad memories, just take them out and look at them like photos, so I can see what all I\'ve got.
The decision I have to make now is whether to do that in my notebook or here. Does doing it here feed my need for outside validation? When I really need to learn to comfort myself? Or does the support from you all help me to comfort myself?
hmmmm
Oh and Pink, I think I will incorporate your letter writing idea also :) thanks
I wouldn\'t ponder those last 2 questions too long. Does it really matter why and where your comfort is coming from? I don\'t think so. As long as it is constructive..... it\'s all good.
Kansas, your therapist also said what I said, that what your parents did helps you understand why you are the way you are now, but it doesn\'t mean you have to remain the hurt little girl. I think it\'s very easy for us to convince ourselves of things intellectually, but until we allow ourselves to feel and process our feelings, we remain stuck. That\'s why so many men are stuck emotionally, because they simply do not allow themselves to feel what they feel. On some level, I think my H is stuck in adolescence emotionally. Little snipits come out from him about his father and the pressure he put on him academically. My H was deemed \"the smart one\" and perhaps his feelings of failure (even though he got a full academic scholarship) which led to his A partly stem from that. I think he felt he didn\'t live up to his father\'s expectations. Anyway, sorry, didn\'t mean to go off on a tangent. Perhaps your processing should be private to ensure that your thoughts are your own. We all love you and want to support you, but our opinions may influence you too much. You need to dig really deep here and we may distract you. That\'s just my opinion. I\'m so proud of you!
There have been times I thought the A wasn\'t being dealt with but I had to keep reminding myself exactly what you\'re saying now, that the A is just a part of the bigger picture. Our MC told us that her client is the relationship, not us as individuals.
You\'re amazing, girl! Smart, determined, strong, and beautiful!