home sweet home
My sister is a sweetheart. She paid for my trip and went out of her way to make me comfortable. I got to meet her two adopted daughters and they are adorable. And her mom is just the most caring, most generous and the sweetest person ever.
The trip was a nightmare.
My sister is a person I do not know .. warm, sweet, supportive, engaged .. very involved in the lives of her friends, an awesome godmother. Up to our mid-twenties we were very close, then I realised I was missing huge tracts of her life, like her fiance going through several months of hospitalization which I did not know about until she called to tell me he had died. Later on I figured that this tragedy had caused her to become detached, so while the distance between us hurt I did not take it personally.
On this trip I realized it is me.. she connects quite well with a huge circle of friends, neighbors, schoolmates, coworkets etc. She's just not that connected to me. She is my son's godparent but she has no relationship with him. Yet she has pictures on her fridge of my niece and her other god-children. She has been active in their lives, they have history with her.
Every day of this trip was painful..every conversation, every interaction. Salt in the wounds, over and over.
And I think there must be some purpose to this. After 13years, surely God did not send me into her world just so that I could see how much my life sucks by comparison, to validate every insecurity I have right now and to make me feel even more unloved and isolated than I did before.
Insecurity is a horrible, horrible thing.
But I made it through..am back home. My dog is looking good, my neighbor took good care of him and she cleaned up my kitchen too. She is such a blessing. My cat had kittens just before I left, I did not expect them to survive but they did, so I have two new adorable balls of fur running around.
When I left home I had no intention of returning. I have to believe it is grace that brought me home and that grace will keep me going. One day at a time.
The trip was a nightmare.
My sister is a person I do not know .. warm, sweet, supportive, engaged .. very involved in the lives of her friends, an awesome godmother. Up to our mid-twenties we were very close, then I realised I was missing huge tracts of her life, like her fiance going through several months of hospitalization which I did not know about until she called to tell me he had died. Later on I figured that this tragedy had caused her to become detached, so while the distance between us hurt I did not take it personally.
On this trip I realized it is me.. she connects quite well with a huge circle of friends, neighbors, schoolmates, coworkets etc. She's just not that connected to me. She is my son's godparent but she has no relationship with him. Yet she has pictures on her fridge of my niece and her other god-children. She has been active in their lives, they have history with her.
Every day of this trip was painful..every conversation, every interaction. Salt in the wounds, over and over.
And I think there must be some purpose to this. After 13years, surely God did not send me into her world just so that I could see how much my life sucks by comparison, to validate every insecurity I have right now and to make me feel even more unloved and isolated than I did before.
Insecurity is a horrible, horrible thing.
But I made it through..am back home. My dog is looking good, my neighbor took good care of him and she cleaned up my kitchen too. She is such a blessing. My cat had kittens just before I left, I did not expect them to survive but they did, so I have two new adorable balls of fur running around.
When I left home I had no intention of returning. I have to believe it is grace that brought me home and that grace will keep me going. One day at a time.
Replies
Yes, there is grace in all of our journeys. Even this trip that was so difficult in so many ways may serve to bring you greater healing in the future. I always hate it when I realize that there is a part of my life that remains unhealed, but in the end, it\'s all good information. Sometimes we don\'t realize that there are whole segments of our lives that are still fragmented until we come face-to-face with them. Being ill seems to make those interactions happen even more. I\'m glad you\'re home again and you have your baby kitties to keep you company. Much love. Heather.
I think when we become this sick most aspects of our lives become more profound. Sometimes even too extreme for me. I have had a rude awakening in my T relationships with my mother, siblings, and my only adult son.
All these relationships were already broken before I became ill. Now over 20 years later the have just become more of what they were all along. Even family has an issue with this invisible illness. I see my son doesn\'t have compassion for me having cancer.
Most family just don\'t want to deal with sick people. I don\'t think many people in general prefer to deal with chronically sick people no matter the relationship.
It\'s so good you don\'t take your sister personally. QTIP is my motto. ~ \"Quit Taking It Personal.\"
It\'s a good slogan for us to take to heart. It has much to do with them and the reflection they see in us of themselves. It very rarely has anything to do with you or us so to speak. I know this from experience. My experience hurt me too. However now that I know I am NOT broken, I deal with it all better.
Enjoy being home with your unconditionally loving pets. Try not to be concerned about your sister\'s behavior. I believe it\'s NOT you and something she needs to see within herself. She may or never may acknowledge her distancing from you. Please know she loves you, but doesn\'t know how to love you today. After all she paid for you to visit. I would focus on her LOVE and let the rest go.
Gentle Hugs & Love
Debra