home from work
i'm home. i ate lunch, i played with Blue and showered and dressed.
windows are opened. the highway sounds and birds songs are in the background.
Blue is scratching up a storm in the litter box! hehe got to clean that up soon..
along with the dishes...along with making the bed. Other than that it should
be a quiet day.
Something's going on within me that is starting to make me turn down/south
a little bit. But I'll focus on the productive things that happened today.
I did my work well. I got a lot done and introduced myself to someone new at work
who seemed nice.
Work is work, though at times like today and yesterday I didn't want to work and felt
misgivings about my performance level - I just remembered 'on the fly' to pep talk
myself and go through the motions and the work got done. It's just a way of things
I'll probably deal with on and off for ad infinitum and just that kind of reckoning
put some pep in my step. :)
Replies
it's weird how I have to be in touch with my feelings in order to experience my life
and yet then I come up against conflict or hurt I have to manage those feelings well, which is hard, because
I can get so reactive. I suppose there's an element of commonality there and soothing consolation
in just the act of writing it out and kind of figuring it out - giving the phenomenon a rationality and reason. peace.
The thing that got me headed south was a complicated aspect of one of my relationships. I’ve gotten things done but I’m feeling really fatigued. I have been up since 240am so maybe I’ll just think of my fatigue as due to my having been up early and also being drained emotionally from this relationship. Rather than giving my fatigue issue the weight that something is fundamentally wrong maybe I’ll think about it as a ‘ no wonder I am tired’ I’ll take a little nap.
I’ve reread this and it sounds crazy but here goes. Just to tie it all together, because of my condition I put great effort into keeping a sense of rationality and response to others emotional input. And because a fair perspective is a very hard won thing I become exhausted a lot… I can be really reactive if I don’t keep things in perspective. It just doesn’t leave much room for my own emotions and free sense of my own experience. I tend to live in a mental box and have a drink or eat food I’ve realized as a permissible access to just feeling communality luxuriating and burying all of that unacknowledged experience I think I am starting to see. I don’t do it that much but I guess I’m grasping at straws here trying to cope with today’s Gordian knot. I guess I’m trying to learn how to make sense of today. Let it be.
Just got to remember to be grateful and to about my routines which helps.