holy cow

i had a huuuge step back... back into chaos and paranoia :( I miss him like crazy and I know that breaking NC takes me backwards. I feel i still love him. He says I'm paranoid and all those stuff aren't true. It makes me guestion myself, whats real? Maybe I really am obsessed? I won't go back to what was before, but I'm just stuck in the middle, in this weird bs. Love should be easy, should be fun... I can't live my life just obsessing about WHAT is the truth, it's enough pain to be cheated on, digging in it is even worse.